Healthy Marriage Includes ...

Kindness. It almost sounds childish, as in, "try a little kindness!," or "just be kind to your sister." Kindness as an action almost gets overlooked in fact, especially in marriages. But Kindness is a cornerstone of a successful, healthy marriage. Kindness - just plain good manners and consideration - is so important in marriage that its absence has been the cause of many divorces. I've seen many more relationships killed by a lick of kindness than from adultery, drugs, or abuse!

Another name for kindness is Respect. If you have a genuine Respect for your mate, kindness will come almost naturally. I'm not talking about the kind of respect that might accompany jealousy or might be grudging, but Respect for the value of your spouse. Respect for the irreplaceable part your spouse plays in your life. This kind of Respect places your mate above all others in your life. It says that they are part of the reason you have life and any enjoyment. That without them, you would be empty.

It even calls up an old fashioned idea of Honor. It may have been awhile since you heard this tidbit tossed around, so let me refresh your memory. Honor means high regard, but more than that Honor acknowledges that a person deserves that high regard. You might even show respect to a boss, but Honor indicates that they have earned it. If you Honor your spouse, you are demonstrating (because Honor is always visible) not only how you feel about them, but their character.

When a marriage begins to lack Kindness, Respect, and Honor between the spouses, it begins to turn rude and surly. Each partner begins to feel slighted if they don't get what they want, instead of making sure their loved one gets what they want first, which is the natural order of marriage. Spouses without Respect for each other are selfish; they are demanding; and they begin to look and act small.

Of course, all of these attributes, when properly included in a marriage equal Love. Unfortunately, the word Love has become trivialized when it is applied as often to some type of car or food as it is to your spouse. So I am breaking it down. Let me state it clearly: a good marriage, one that is balanced, right, and healthy, is one in which each partner gives generously to the other Kindness, Respect, and Honor. 

Your mate deserves these blessings. If they haven't out right earned them today, they deserve them for marrying you and becoming part of your body. Also, you promised them to your bride or groom at your wedding. And you know how big I am on keeping your promises and vows. Unless you were legally incompetent at the ceremony, you are morally bound to care for (that is, to be Kind to, to Respect and Honor) your spouse for all your life. And to do so blatantly and obviously, especially in front of your mutual children so that they will understand what a marriage is supposed to look like.

This week, how can you out loud, in your face, demonstrate that you Honor your spouse? How can you bestow Kindness on them? In what overt ways can you show your Respect for them?

Now, go bless each other!

STEPcoach

Simplify Your Life

How much of the stress and tension in your home and relationships could be removed or lessened if you could just simplify your world? If every task didn't involve a dozen other tasks to accomplish? If you could just do something without an hour's preparation?

I'll bet many of your disputes are started or made worse by the stress you have to carry around with you all day long. Well here is a lovely list I found for you at one of my favorite blogs, Zen Family Habits. I'm sharing it with you in hopes you might find a little less stress and a little more time to connect with your family. I've emphasized a few that I think are especially pertinent for stepfamilies. Enjoy!

43 Simple Ways To Simplify Your Life

Simplicity. How can we make things simpler, more streamlined, or more efficient? Is this all just hype or is there actually something to this simplicity thing?

Reducing complexity in my life has reduced stress, increased free time, and top priorities are actually top priorities. When we simplify as much as we can we are better able to slow down and enjoy each moment as opposed to rushing through it. Here are a few ways you can simplify the various aspects of your life:

1. Turn off your cell phone.
2. Process email only twice a day.
3. Go to bed early.
4. Get rid of (or at least reduce) commitments that you do out of obligation.
5. Create a weekly meal plan.

6. Automate your finances.
7. Purge as much unneeded clutter as possible.
8. Keep your paper shredder on top of your recycling bin.
9. Add items you want to a wish list as you think of them.

10. Get a label maker or write labels out by hand.
11. Set your clothes out for the next day the night before.
12. Make your lunch for the next day the night before.
13. Make time to catch up with an old friend.
14. Just say no.

15. Ask for experiences not things for your birthday and Christmas this year.  (love this one!)
16. Tell the truth.
17. Keep your list of addresses and phone numbers up to date.
18. Consolidate debt.
19. Create an organizing system that works for you.

20. Keep a bag for garbage in your car.
21. Carry a notebook and pen with you where ever you go.
22. Unsubscribe from emails, newsletters or RSS feeds that don’t provide value anymore.

23. Apologize immediately when you realize you’ve done wrong.

24. Enjoy the present moment as much as you can.

25. Take time to really see the little things in life.
26. Reduce the amount of TV you watch.
27. Get outside.
28. Create morning, daytime, and evening routines.
29. Ask for help.

30. Do things at home as much as possible (eat, date nights, entertain etc.).

31. Don’t get caught up in other people’s drama.

32. Let go of the self-imposed need to be perfect.
33. Focus on a simple, but healthy, eating plan.
34.  Share responsibilities.

35. Reduce your wardrobe to a few versatile items.
36. Be positive.

37. Start a gratitude journal.

38. Finish old tasks before taking on new ones.
39. For every new item that enters your home set two free.

40. Want what you have not what you don’t.
41. Revisit what you carry with you in your purse or wallet.

42. Focus on one thing at a time.

43. Store new garbage bags at the bottom of your garbage can.

Nice list, huh? This will only help you if you apply it. For more tips on creating a happier, more fulfilling family life, contact me about family coaching. I'll be happy to help you design your own perfection plan!

STEPcoach Bob Collins

Kids Need to Have Fun after Divorce

Here's a tidbit I found that I thought you'd like. This article, by attorney April Jones, opens a new topic in the discussions about helping your children survive divorce. We've talked about how children of divorce need security and some tips for guiding them into a new future, but in this article, Jones addresses a little considered aspect of divorced kids - their need to have fun again after the trauma of their parents' divorce.

I hope you get some good ideas from this brief article. If you have ideas or questions, please feel free to contact me directly at stepcoach@stepcoach.com - I'll be happy to help!

 

Helping Your Children Cope With the Pain of Divorce: The Importance of Having Fun

Children coping with their families being broken are often under more pressure than their parents realize. Everyone talks about how resilient children are but it can be a resilience obtained at the price of fun and whimsy and light heartedness. What appears to be resilience is often a defense mechanism that can essentially cost children much of their innocence and youthfulness. This is especially true when children have to navigate between bitter, angry, fearful or just plain sad parents who are mourning the death of the dreams they once had for themselves.

These children have to be resilient when Mom is too sad or tired to do laundry and cook because she's coping with her new full time job and battling depression. The children have to be resilient when Dad is too silent and too frustrated with his new single parent duties that include being both the provider and the listener. Try not to assume that your children will cope on their own. They still need the attention of each parent, they still need to laugh and feel heard. They need to know that they are still special to each of you.

Purposely taking time out for fun and relaxation is a must for families (the children AND the adults) in the transition phases of divorce. "Board Games Central" at www.boardgamecentral.com is a really neat site that I love recommending to my clients in transition. The site has all the traditional board games we grew up with plus tons of other interesting games and party ideas. Games are great for kids and adults who need to relax and have fun. Check it out, get a new game and spend time with your children and/or friends laughing out loud. It will be good for you. One idea is get together with another mother/daughter or father/son team and plan a dinner mystery party for 3-5 other parent/child pairs. Teen girls love the "teen idol mystery party" dinner mystery game. The advantage of co-hosting a party is that you can let your friend do most of the work so you and your child can concentrate on enjoying yourselves and each other.
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Original article link:  Children Coping With Divorce

April Jones has been a licensed attorney for over 19 years. She is a divorce lawyer with a family law practice in Denver Colorado. Visit Jones Law Firm, PC at apriljoneslaw.com

Death Therapy

In the movie, What About Bob?, Richard Dreyfuss threatens to treat his nutty patient, Bob - played by Bill Murray, with what he calls "death therapy." In that case, the doctor was referring to killing the annoying patient. However, I've found a much better (and much less fatal) form of death therapy, and I've used it in several support groups with a great deal of success.

I begin by assigning the group members to create their own death notice. Death notices include mostly personal memories and facts about the deceased person. The group members are to choose a person they have a conflict with. This is usually part of the stepfamily makeup, a stepchild, an ex-spouse, etc. Or they may be a parent, a biological child, an extended family member, or even a co-worker - anyone they are at odds with.

Then they are to write two death notices: first what they are fairly sure that other person (often referred to as their enemy!) will say about them if they die tomorrow. This brings statements such as "I never liked my stepdad, he was a jerk," or "my stepmom never had anything nice to say about me," or "I'm glad my ex is dead, he was a mean, selfish ..." - well, you get the idea.


The second death notice contains what the writer wishes their enemy would say about them. These usually are corrections of the first notice: "my stepdad was a real friend to me," "my ex started out mean and selfish, but later became a real help with our children and a great person."

Finally, group members are asked how they plan to move their subject from the first, mean death notice to the second, nicer notice. This is the meat of the exercise. In this discussion, the writer must brainstorm (with the help of the rest of the group) ways they can win over their "enemy." And it's here that we almost always gain some great lessons and ideas.

Here are some of the lessons we've learned from past exercises with our groups:

• it's OK to use a pat answer to an angry chewing out - just say, "OK, I hear you. Talk to you later"
• it takes a real change of heart to change a person's mind
• you can't spend too much time with your kids or stepkids
• sometimes it's OK to let "important" things like bills and chores go in order to bless your kids
• you've got to take the lead in forgiving your ex - don't wait for them to start it
• out live them! then they can't say bad stuff about you!
• getting the last word in is seldom ever worth the pain it causes
• just get over it! 
• forgiving is fun - it is a relief to get over the anger and resentment of past hurts

My suggestion to you is to try this exercise with your mate. Think about what someone will say about you after you die. What kind of impression are you making on the people in your world - or on the world over all? How have you hurt someone, and how can you repair that hurt before you die? Where are you going when you die? What are your travel plans? Who are you taking with you?

What are your kids/stepkids going to remember about you after you're gone? You know, the memories you are making with them now will last the rest of their lives. Plant some flowers, don't burn down the garden.

I'll be happy to talk to you about this exercise or other ways of repairing your relationships. Email me directly at stepcoach@stepcarefully.com

God bless y'all!

STEPcoach Bobby C.

The Cost of Procrastinating

I teach a class for divorcing parents on how to guide their children through divorce with as little damage as possible. As I point out in the lesson, divorce always affects children. Some are badly damaged, some are only lightly stained. But all are changed for the rest of their lives. Many are affected so that their own marriages later in life are damaged by their parents' divorce.

Last month in a divorcing parents' class, one of the attending moms told us that she wished she had known about our stepparenting support and mediation sessions before, because she was sure her family could have avoided the break up with some help. She went on to confess that she and her then-husband had talked about getting help, but they kept putting it off, hoping things would just get better, until it was too late.

Their cost included (among other things):

• several thousand dollars for attorneys and court fees, 
• the expense of his new apartment so she and their three kids could keep the house, 
• a second set of utility payments each month, 
• a second car payment, and 
• counseling for their middle daughter who wouldn't quit crying about daddy leaving. 

And that's just the financial costs. Besides that is his broken heart, her failed dreams, their children's crushed hopes and ideals about life and love, each spouse's family's shared heartache, and one more breakdown of family in America.

All because they just kept putting off getting help through mediation or counseling. Just to save a couple hundred bucks.

Let me state clearly here: I am a licensed family mediator. I have, since 1996, helped hundreds of stepfamilies to settle their differences and stay together. I help couples figure out ways to resolve the little upsets that build into irreconcilable differences. I also help reconcile those differences. I am proud to be a Christian family mediator. I save families from divorce and disaster. 

Before you think, "let's just wait, maybe it will get better," or "surely he'll change," or "maybe she's just bluffing, it'll be OK;" before you wait, hoping the problem will go away on its own, email me or call me and let's talk about preventing a disaster in your family.

Your have your entire future in the balance. But that's OK. You're an adult and you can handle another divorce. But what about your children? Do you really want to drag them through that pain again? Do something before it's too late, because the cost of procrastinating is far more than they can afford.

God bless your whole family,
STEPcoach Bob Collins
479-522-7490