A Voice from Theater 9

Marie, who wrote this blog post, was one of the unsuspecting innocents sitting in theater 9, in Aurora, Colorado when the gunman opened fire. Here is her take on what happened and why it happened. BTW, just for the record, I agree with her wholeheartedly.

STEPcoach Bob
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SO YOU STILL THINK GOD IS A MERCIFUL GOD?!

(Maybe, just maybe God spared my life because He loves YOU and wants you to hear this..He wants you to believe that He loved you so much He gave His only begotten Son that if you would believe in Him you would have eternal life.)
“So, you still believe in a merciful God?”  Some of the comments online are genuinely inquisitive, others are contemptuous in nature. Regardless of the motive behind the question, I will respond the same way.
Yes.
Yes, I do indeed.
Absolutely, positively, unequivocally.

Let’s get something straight: the theater shooting was an evil, horrendous act done by a man controlled by evil.  God did not take a gun and pull the trigger in a crowded theater. He didn’t even suggest it. A man did.

In His sovereignty, God made man in His image with the ability to choose good and evil.
Unfortunately, sometimes man chooses evil.

I was there in theater 9 at midnight, straining to make out the words and trying to figure out the story line as The Dark Night Rises began. I’m not a big movie-goer. The HH and I prefer to watch movies in the comfort of our own home…where I can use subtitles and get a foot rub. I don’t like action movies. And I don’t like midnight showings.  But, as I wrote in my last post, parents sometimes make sacrifices for their kiddos and I decided I would take my fourteen year old and sixteen year old daughters who were chomping at the bit to see this eagerly anticipated third movie in the Batman Trilogy. Twice I had the opportunity to back out and twice I was quite tempted. But something in me said just go with your girls. I did.

So I was there with them, fidgeting in my seat, some forty or  fifty feet away from the man with the gun. It’s still a bit surreal, but I do know that when the seemingly endless shooting started, as my girls were struggling from whatever gas or chemical had been released, and we figured out what was happening, we hit the floor. I threw myself on top of my fourteen year old who was on the end of the row, straight up the aisle from the shooter.  In that moment, as the rapid-fire shots continued, I truly thought I was going to die. And I realized that I was ready. I have put my faith and trust in Jesus Christ as the redeemer of my soul, and there wasn’t the slightest doubt that I would be received into heaven, not because of any good thing that I have done but because of His merciful nature and the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Still, as I lay over my daughter, I began praying out loud. I don’t even remember what I prayed, but I don’t imagine it really matters. I’m sure it was for protection and peace. It drew me closer into the presence of God. When there was a pause in the shooting, people began to clamor for the exits. The girls and I jumped up and joined the masses. We had to step over a lifeless body, not knowing where the shooter was. We raced to our car and I dumped my purse, frantically searching for keys, looking all around, prepared to hit the ground. I yelled at Michelle to call Matthew and find out if he had made it out of the theater next door. She did. He did. We booked on out of there.

Why would you think such a tragedy would make me question the goodness of God? If anything, both of my girls said it made Him a much more real presence to them; the youngest shared this verse: Do not be afraid of sudden fear nor of the onslaught of the wicked when it comes; for the LORD will be your confidence and will keep your feet from being caught.

He is not the cause of evil, but He is the one who can bring comfort and peace in the midst of evil.  It’s been amazing to see the outpouring of love from so many people after this unthinkable act.  Yes, there was one evil act, but it is being covered by thousands, possibly millions of acts of kindness.
We have not yet slept, so the girls and I are overtired and a bit emotional.  But overall, we are praising God and resting in His Goodness.  

I love this word of wisdom and encouragement from a former pastor of mine:
Up to this point I haven’t had words to say that would matter. Of course we are all glad that you and the family are safe. Of course we would all state the obvious that this is horrific and senseless. But those words still don’t carry weight that remain in the midst of the questions. Then it hit me… Do you know what the difference was between Job and his wife in their response to the tragedy of losing everything… Job 1:20 Job was the only one that worshiped in the midst of it. Marie, I know your heart and I’ve seen your worship lived out before your family. Before the weight of this becomes unbearable… worship. Your profile pic was not coincidence, not by accident that you changed it on July 15th, but a beautiful foreshadowing of your need to hear the cry of your heart and give Him praise.  
Though we don’t have all the answers, we do indeed listen to the cry of our hearts: When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, In God I have put my trust; I shall not be afraid. What  can mere man  do to me? Psalm 56:3-4

God is always good.
Man is not.
Don’t get the two confused.

We will continue to praise and worship our mighty God, anticipating that He will bring beauty from ashes, as only He can do.

If you want to know how to pray for us: first and foremost, we need sleep. Somehow our bodies seem too wired. We also want the life that God has graciously allowed us to continue to live to not be a gift given in vain, we want our lives to draw others closer to Him. We do not want fear to dominate, for God has not given us a spirit of fear. We want His joy to be seen and experienced in all that we do.
Pray for the families who lost loved ones, and for young people who witnessed such horror. Pray for this to be an opportunity for God to manifest Himself in mighty ways.

As for you…we will pray that YOU might know His goodness.
Still grateful for this wonderful life,
Marie
Original blog post: http://aminiatureclaypot.wordpress.com/2012/07/20/so-you-still-think-god-is-a-merciful-god

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Divorce issues

[The following "guest column" by me appeared in "The City Wire" this last Sunday. The story refers to an incident where a divorced dad walked into a county courthouse with three guns, tried unsuccessfully to find and kill the family court judge who has handled his divorce, then shot up the courthouse. He only wounded one person, but was killed when he walked outside and continued firing toward the assembled police force.]


When James Ray Palmer burned his home, loaded up his arms, and marched into the Crawford County courthouse last week, it wasn’t a spur of the moment decision. Friends and family say he had been leaving clues for awhile that things were about to boil over.And, in fact, it seems the kettle had been bubbling for 12 years, since his divorce. The feelings percolating in his heart weren’t too alien from those many other divorced parents have felt.


Divorce, it has been said, is one of the greatest tragedies we can go through. It is personal in a way few other injuries can be. It strikes to a person’s heart, their self-image, their very soul. The death of a relationship you had counted on being life-long reshapes your concept of life and the world you live in. If you’ve been divorced, even if you were the one who filed for your divorce, you understand the intimacy of the disturbance.


As a family mediator specializing in divorce and re-marriage, I have seen thousands of instances of divorce, some handled well, and many handle poorly. Far too many of the individuals I meet with tell of being just a few steps away from the tragedy that ended Palmer’s pain. They speak of great, burning anger, dreams of revenge, personal agony that never really goes away.


The disturbing fact is that James Palmer acted out what so many divorced parents have fantasized. Most of us just don’t pick up the guns and charge in shooting.


All indications are that Palmer didn’t intend to harm anyone except the judge he blamed for his broken family. The only person shot was the judge’s assistant, and it’s difficult to imagine someone so poor a shot that more than 70 rounds accidentally didn’t hit anyone in the enclosed halls of the courthouse. He was looking for a way out of his misery, and just maybe willing to take out the man he saw as responsible. Notice that in his final act, he didn’t go after his ex-wife or any other family members, just the one outsider closest to the mess.


If that is so, what drove this father and reportedly quiet man over the edge? Why, after more than 10 years fretting over his problems, did he snap now? The answer to that, of course, only James Palmer himself knows for sure, but we know the effects of divorce never really end for a person. As I said before, divorce cuts deeply and re-shapes a person’s attitudes and ideals. The perceived betrayal or abandonment by a person you trusted completely is a life-changing event. 


When a child is involved, it can be even more disturbing.


Through a class I teach for divorcing parents, I have the opportunity to hear and sometimes reach many of these individuals in the middle of their breakup. The mix of feelings — from anger to despair to hopelessness to desperation — leaves them unsure of their position or their future. If they do not properly settle their feelings, the damage can go on the rest of their lives.Some divorcees deal with their loss in socially acceptable ways that are still destructive. 


Drinking, taking drugs, jumping into inappropriate relationships, or throwing out mementoes they will want later are just ways of acting out their pain and confusion. They might use a bottle or someone else’s body instead of a gun, as Palmer did, but the effects are often the same — lives torn up, futures crashed, and, ultimately, their own life lost along the way.


What may someone do to prevent this sort of divorce-related tragedy in their own or a friend’s life? Most important is to deal with the real problem. All the forms of acting out are really ways of avoiding the loss that’s been suffered. Find someone to talk to about how you’re hurting — a close friend, a minister, or a counselor, but someone who can hear your pain, sympathize, understand, and offer encouragement to push on through to more sane times.

Next, get help dealing with the other party in your tragedy, your ex-spouse, if they are at all willing to talk. Mediation always helps, as long as both sides can understand the need to settle the issues. Divorced parents have a relationship that will last the rest of their lives. As long as they have children or grand-children alive, they will have to encounter each other regularly. 

For the sake of their own sanity, as well as their children’s well-being, they must create a new way of being family. Divorce never ends that parental connection, so it is vital they find a way to endure and accept the new relationship. Clearly, Palmer and his son’s mother never successfully re-created their partnership.Using legal avenues didn’t help the Palmers to find peace. They rarely do.

Counseling can help, and Mr. Palmer appears to have needed some intense therapy. But too many people view counseling as a sign of weakness or illness, and the process can be lengthy. 

Mediation is a proven process that goes directly to the point of conflict and guides the two parties to reasonably consider ways to take the pressure off both of them. Children almost always benefit when their parents are willing to sit down and at least try mediating their differences.

Perhaps if the Palmers had been willing to talk through their arguments and let someone guide them to consider methods of working together for their son, the explosion of emotions might have been prevented. No one can say for sure, but there is a great chance.

Mediation may not solve all the problems, but clearing the air and rationally discussing disputes has helped many in the past. It may just be the first step, but it is always better to consider understanding than to just hope things will magically get better on their own.

They rarely do.

STEPcoach, Bob Collins

How will American Christians Cope?

I get emails and newsletters every day, speculating about the collapse of the American economy and what it will mean to us, as Christians, as our civil and religious freedoms are taken away. We've seen the 10 Commandments removed from public; God, Jesus, the Bible, and Christianity in history verboten in schools; Cursing Jesus' name is OK, but praising it is ridiculed or forbidden; evolution the new state religion; constitutional foundations cast aside as old fashioned ... on and on and on. What does all this mean to us, to individual Christians and to our children and our families?

I can tell you exactly what it all means to us - relatively little! People, of all the  American citizens, WE have the least to be concerned about. Why? Because we have been through all this and much worse before! Time and time again!

We like to ignore history because it's hard to keep up with, and it's uncomfortable to think of how things have been before. I don't know about your (step)children, but for mine getting her interested in history was like trying to feed her spinach! But if you push your children (and yourself) to take a bit of time to look back, you'll be very encouraged by what you see ... eventually.

Just after Jesus' resurrection and ascension, the brand new baby church was almost snuffed out by the current general public. Civil religious rights? How about being shunned by businesses and government services? How about a school system that taught our kids to actually worship idols? How about being hustled out of our beds and homes in the middle of the night to be dragged into mock courts where we were charged with everything under the sun, found guilty without representation or recourse? How about having your family taken from you and probably tortured and killed? How about being the entertainment for a blood thirsty mob as you are murdered publicly in cruel and imaginative ways?

In the Dark Ages, we true Christians even had these things done to us by "The Church." If we refused to accept the world government's twisted version of Christianity, the very religion (in name) that we followed would jail, torture, or kill us!

Even following the Great Enlightening and the Reformation, which broke the monopoly of the false Catholic church, we were subject to the nearest king's warped ideas of how we should worship, pray, or even believe. When we finally got miraculous freedom to worship publicly and we gained some influence over our own lives here in this new experiment of America, we saw enemies confront us on every front.

Despite political challenges, evolution, and a slowly eroding government, we have been able to relax into our illusion of security, forgetting where we have been and what we have come through to get here. We have found it easy and comfortable to think we have permanent home here in this world, when Jesus Himself regularly reminded us that we are strangers in a hostile land. We used to sing songs that were to serve as reminders: This World Is Not My Home, I'm only passing through, among others. But history is just to pesky to remember. And we've let ourselves and our children get lazy and complacent about our real position in a lost world.

And so, here we are again, about to be shaken from our reverie and woken to the harsh reality that we are Christians in a lost world. We may lose our temporary liberties to exercise our beliefs freely and openly. We may lose the right to worship at the corner church or promote our convictions in elections or wear t-shirts or bumper stickers that shout our ideals to the world. And we may feel really, really put upon and downtrodden and persecuted. And we may in fact be outlawed.

But, whatever else we lose, whatever else is taken away from us (or pried from our cold, dead fingers), Christians - true Christians will never lose our faith. Just as school boards may insist on no prayer in schools, but our kids can still pray silently whenever they want, in the same way we, their parents, can never be stopped from believing in our hearts that Jesus Christ is the way, the truth, and the life. We may have to use codes, as some of our ancestors did in Ireland or Poland, but we will still be able to encourage each other. We may meet in back rooms and basements, but we will still pray and praise together.

So my idea of preparing for hard times is not to stockpile gold or bonds. Rather I'm concentrating on increasing my dependence on God's providence, my familiarity with scriptures, and leading my family into a greater understanding of those Words of life. I know that, no matter what happens with the government, the economy, the ecology, the world community, or even the New World Order, my God will still answer prayer, He will still watch over His children, and He will provide for His own.

If we only survive a few years or months or weeks as fugitives and secret worshipers, we will leave others behind who know the truth and who know how to share it. And we will still have a wonderful, perfect future to look forward to in Heaven, then the New Earth with our God and our family. And it will be unimaginably better than anything we have had here, in America, over the last couple of centuries.

So, bring it on world, and Come Lord Jesus, Come!

STEPcoach (and Christian!) Bob Collins

Thanksgiving Day Proclamation

This is the text of George Washington's
October 3, 1789 national Thanksgiving Proclamation;
as printed in The Providence Gazette and Country Journal, on October 17, 1789.

By the President of the United States of America.

A Proclamation.

Whereas it is the duty of all nations to acknowledge the providence of Almighty God, to obey His will, to be grateful for His benefits, and humbly to implore His protection and favor; and whereas both Houses of Congress have, by their joint committee, requested me "to recommend to the people of the United States a day of public thanksgiving and prayer, to be observed by acknowledging with grateful hearts the many and signal favors of Almighty God, especially by affording them an opportunity peaceably to establish a form of government for their safety and happiness."

Now, therefore, I do recommend and assign Thursday, the 26th day of November next, to be devoted by the people of these States to the service of that great and glorious Being who is the beneficent author of all the good that was, that is, or that will be; that we may then all unite in rendering unto Him our sincere and humble thanks for His kind care and protection of the people of this country previous to their becoming a nation; for the signal and manifold mercies and the favorable interpositions of His providence in the course and conclusion of the late war; for the great degree of tranquility, union, and plenty which we have since enjoyed; for the peaceable and rational manner in which we have been enabled to establish constitutions of government for our safety and happiness, and particularly the national one now lately instituted; for the civil and religious liberty with which we are blessed, and the means we have of acquiring and diffusing useful knowledge; and, in general, for all the great and various favors which He has been pleased to confer upon us.

And also that we may then unite in most humbly offering our prayers and supplications to the great Lord and Ruler of Nations, and beseech Him to pardon our national and other transgressions; to enable us all, whether in public or private stations, to perform our several and relative duties properly and punctually; to render our National Government a blessing to all the people by constantly being a Government of wise, just, and constitutional laws, discreetly and faithfully executed and obeyed; to protect and guide all sovereigns and nations (especially such as have shown kindness to us), and to bless them with good governments, peace, and concord; to promote the knowledge and practice of true religion and virtue, and the increase of science among them and us; and, generally, to grant unto all mankind such a degree of temporal prosperity as He alone knows to be best.

Given under my hand, at the city of New York, the third day of October, in the year of our Lord one thousand seven hundred and eighty-nine.  
G. Washington.

Borrowed this, with thanks, from http://www.wallbuilders.com/libissuesarticles.asp?id=3584 


May you and your family have a blessed, peaceful Thanksgiving.

Just Found: New Resource

I am really beginning to love Twitter! I know, I know - some folk think of Twitter as a way for kids or celebrities with too much time on their hands to tell WAY too much about themselves.
And it is that.

But it's also a super way to connect with like-minded businesses, individuals, and support organizations. That is where I've really come to appreciate this social network. And I just found another great resource for you (y'all) (youse guys):

WeParent is a neat web site with tons of useful information for divorced parents who are working together to raise their children right. As their "about" statement says:

We’re on a mission to support and facilitate a co-parenting “revolution” among African-American parents! We want to be support central for parents willing to face the challenges of co-parenting in order to enjoy the fulfillment of raising healthy, whole children.

I strongly encourage all my friends who are in divided families (and most of us are!) to check out the good folks at WeParent!

Have a super Summer!

STEPcoach Bob Collins
follow me on Twitter as
http://twitter.com/STEPcoach

NUTS! Which Peanuts Aren't Safe???

The efficient folks at The Daily Green have compiled a nice list of which peanut products to avoid and which are safe.

"Nearly 300 brands have announced recalls related to the salmonella in peanut products since Feb. 1, and dozens more announced recalls in January," the article states. The article also includes a Widget created by the FDA which I've included here:

FDA Product Recall List

To read the full Daily Green article,> GO HERE

Eat-carefully!

STEPcoach

Octuplet Poll Closed

Thank you for your opinions and votes regarding the single mom's voluntary addition of eight more mouths for her parents to feed to the already staggering six previous children. As you'll see in the right hand column, the majority of the voters felt it was "wrong because ..." unfortunately, most didn't specify a reason they thought it was wrong, just that it was somehow not right.

The poll results will remain available for a few weeks for you to review, as well as the comments to the questions.

thank you!

14 Kids! Could You? Would You???

By now you've probably heard at least the basics of the story about the mom who had EIGHT babies all at once. This story is stirring up so much controversy that I'm taking a survey of our stepparenting family.

First the basic facts (according to Time Magazine's story at (http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1878080,00.html):
* Name, age: Nadya Suleman, 33 years old;
* Family: SIX other children already, plus her parents, with whom she currently lives;
* Situation: unemployed, unmarried
* Controversial points:

1. parents had to file bankruptcy last year because of expense of raising seven children,
2. mother begged her not to have more kids,
3. she had to change doctors to get the fertilization treatments,
4. she chose to be a single mom, several times over, said she hopes the dad will want to be involved,
5. since she's broke, tax-payer bill for this birth = $1.3 million
6. looking to turn this into a windfall through book/movie/TV show deals
   

OK, that's the scoop ... now, what do you think?
As stepparents we, too, have chosen to "have" more children in our lives, sometimes many more children. So how do you relate to Suleman's decision to purposely have more children, as a single mom, when she already had six?

Take the poll there, to the right, and share your feelings. If you have comments, just click on the word, "comments," just below here.

This poll will be active for one week, and the results will be posted at least until the end of February, when I'll let you know that the accumulated (but anonymous) results and comments are.
Thanks!

LEAVE COMMENTS BELOW HERE

New issue of Newsletter is Here!

New encouraging, up-lifting article for troubled time, news about new resources, and lots of help for your stepfamily. Subscribe HERE to get your free issue.

More Toxic Toys recalled

This article lists 61 toys made in China that are being recalled due to safety issues, most because of toxic lead paint.
Here are a couple of the most scary:
-------------------------------
High School Musical Manicure Kits

Fantas-Eyes Inc., of New York, N.Y. has recalled about 15,000 High School Musical manicure kits manufactured in China because the glitter lettering "High School Musical" on the pouch that contains the manicure kit contains excessive levels of lead.

The recall was announced by the Consumer Product Safety Commission Jan. 27, 2009.

The 7 1/2-inch by 4 3/4-inch plastic see-through pouch has a pink zipper with "High School Musical" printed in yellow gold with glitter and "Sharpay" printed in dark red on one side.

The manicure kits was sold by LTD Commodities and ABC distributing catalogs and Web Sites and on www.lakeside.com from September 2008 to November 2008 for about $11.

Consumers can get a replacement pouch by contacting Fantas-Eyes at (800) 352-7419 between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. ET Monday through Friday, or at www.Fantas-Eyes.com.

< NOTE: a manicure kit! How many kids have you seen chewing on their finger nails? So, they use the kit, transfer the paint to their fingers, then stick them in their mouths! GACK!>

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Muniré Crib and Matching Furniture

Muniré Furniture Inc., of Piscataway, N.J., is recalling 9,000 pieces of baby furniture, including 3,000 cribs, because red paint underneath the black top coat is laced with lead.

One child has already been diagnosed with lead poisoning after chewing on the crib, according to the Consumer Product Safety Commission.

The "Newport Rubbed Black 4-in-1" cribs and matching furniture are made of wood and have a rubbed black finish. Only the "Newport Rubbed Black" cribs and matching furniture manufactured in Indonesia between April 2006 and November 2008 are included in this recall. The model number, date and country of manufacture are printed on the label attached to the side panel of the crib and the date of manufacture is on the back panel of the furniture. Models listed below are included in the recall:

Model No. / Name

• 7900 / Newport Lifetime Crib
• 7918 / Hutch for Combo & Double Dresser
• 7915 / Mirror
• 7908 / Combo
• 7902 / Nightstand
• 7907 / Conversion Kit for Lifetime Crib
• 7905 / 5-Drawer Dresser
• 7929 / Armoire
• 7975 / Guardrail for Lifetime Crib
• 7906 / Double Dresser
• 7914 / Bookcase
• 7901 / Newport Olde World Crib

< NOTE: So, will somebody explain to me why we are still having China build our kids' toys? GOOD GRIEF!>

President Obama

I'll readily admit that I have not been Barack Obama's greatest fan. I have had serious reservations about his qualifications to lead the free world in such complicated and tumultuous times. And there were other issues I have voiced which caused me to lean away from his election. However, a visit with a dear friend yesterday has brought a whole new appreciation to my conservative IrishAmerican mind.

Miss Jonny is a bright light in so many people's day as she sits inside Walmart's front door, smiling and greeting everyone who comes in and teasing and calling to everyone who leaves, "Have a blessed day!" If I ever noticed that Miss Jonny is black, I can't remember, because her smile is so blinding it blocks out most of her face. My wife and Miss Jonny have become friends (as is typical with my outgoing wife), so we stopped by yesterday to say hello in our shopping stop on the way home. After the usual hugs and banter, Miss Jonny asked us what we thought of "her president Barack." I said something general like, it will be interesting to see how he does in office. Miss Jonny's eyes lit up and she said that she didn't care much for how he did, just the fact that he was in was a blessing to her and to us all. Then I asked her why.

With soft eyes and a softer smile, she said, "I grew up with segregation, you know. I have been blessed in many ways, but I've had people look down on me because of my color, too. When my son took me to vote, I couldn't hardly see to vote for the tears in my eyes. I kept thinking about my great-grandfather, my grandfather and grandmother, and my mama who didn't live - who never dreamed to live to see this day. Mr. Obama's election means that the young men in my culture have more hope to be part of this country we've helped build. Now, I ain't angry with anybody for anything ever done to me, but it sure is nice to feel like I and my culture are a welcome part of our own home country."

And suddenly I was able to understand the excitement felt by so many. Through Miss Jonny's words (we talked for over an hour) I came to see that Obama was, to many Americans, more than just one man with some qualifications (shaky or not), and with a peculiar background, and a daunting job ahead. He is a representative of ... well, darn it, hope and change. And while I hope he won't change too many things I love about America, I can see that some important changes have been made.

Of course, things aren't magically perfect in race relations. There is still prejudice to be dealt with. Humans are imperfect. But at least now we have a real opportunity, as a nation, to make the big changes we've, for some stupid reasons, hesitated to make. With one man's election, we've said that we are, at least on a national level, beyond petty bigotry.

I'll still be watching President Obama, and I'll still be praying for him to succeed in leading our country. But now I'll have a deeper reason to pray for his success. Because his success represents the growth of our national culture into much more of what our founding fathers alluded to as divine equality. It really does make me hopeful.

God bless America.

BC

New links to STEP-Carefully!

I'm really getting into this on-line networking - and it's paying off for us! In response to a few business newsletters I receive, I have joined some social networks. The idea is to get the word out through as many venues as possible about our services for stepfamilies and for breaking/broken marriages. So ...

you can now find me on LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook, Startup Nation, and MyMission2. On each of those sites, I'm offering our tried and true helps to keep stepfamilies healthy, happy, and together.

Visit me at the following: (just click the name of the site to go there)
> Facebook
> Twitter
> Startup Nation
> LinkedIn
> MyMission2

And be sure to leave a comment to let me know you visited - PLUS leaving a comment moves that site higher in Google's search engines, which means more families will find help.

Thanks! See you there!

Bob C.

Building next newsletter ...

Hi all, I'm busily building our next issue of the STEP-Carefully! newsletter. Is there anything I can address for you or your family? The economy is a big topic, but so is (as always) marital peace and family stability. Then, there's the upcoming holiday excitement.

Email me with your ideas, questions, or needs for this or any upcoming newsletter.

Thanks!

Please take our short Survey!

We are conducting a very short (just seven questions!), very important survey to find out how you use our services, what you'd like to see from us, and your thoughts about STEP-Carefully! for Stepparents!
Click Here to take survey
Your input will mean so much for us, your family, and so many other stepfamilies across the world.

Thank you!

Family Cell Phone Safety - I.C.E.

We all carry our mobile phones with names & numbers stored in its memory but nobody, other than ourselves, knows which of these numbers belong to our closest family or friends.

If we were to be involved in an accident or were taken ill, the people attending us would have our mobile phone but wouldn't know who to call. Yes, there are hundreds of numbers stored but which one is the contact person in case of an emergency? Hence this 'ICE' (In Case of Emergency) Campaign

The concept of 'ICE' is catching on quickly. It is a method of contact during emergency situations. As cell(mobile) phones are carried by the majority of the population, all you need to do is store the number of a contact person or persons who should be contacted during emergency under the name 'ICE' ( In Case Of Emergency).

The idea was thought up by a paramedic who found that when he went to the scenes of accidents, there were always mobile phones with patients, but they didn't know which number to call. He therefore thought that it would be a good idea if there was a nationally recognized name for this purpose.

In an emergency situation, Emergency Service personnel and hospital Staff would be able to quickly contact the right person by simply dialing the number you have stored as 'ICE.'
For more than one contact name simply enter ICE1, ICE2 and ICE3 etc.

A great idea that will make a difference!

(Verified at Snopes.com)

Oh, the foolishness of man

A story in the August 25 Canadian Globe and Mail newspaper tells that a Vancouver couple, married for 42 years, spent over $1,000,000 on their divorce. Good Grief! This couple "fought vigorously over almost every item that was part of their lengthy marriage: an inheritance that the wife believed was a personal, not a family, asset; expensive items such as works of art, jewellery and gold coins; and minor assets such as airline points."
They have three children.

How sad. Almost every aspect of this case could have been dealt with more reasonably, more sanely through mediation. Division of property is usually the easiest to mediate, as it deals strictly with numbers and opinions. And, although this was apparently a very wealthy family, money is rarely the motivating factor in a divorce. It's a matter of the heart.

MATTERS OF THE HEART

Our court systems (including Canada's) were not designed for domestic matters. They were set up, and work fairly well, for criminal or civic cases, such as one company suing another over a matter of contract. But divorce and family matters following divorce are essentially matters of the heart.

The couple may not love each other. They may hate each other, but these are still matters of emotion. Especially in cases where there are children in the family. Families begin in love and often end at the opposite pole, at hate. And, while the loving beginning should be a public affair, including at least friends and family as witnesses, the end is most effectively managed privately.

Privacy is a keystone of mediation. Not only do the mediation sessions take place in secret, between only the two separating spouses and the mediator, but all records of the discussions are private. In fact, they are protected from public record by law. As a licensed mediator, I am restrained by law from letting anyone know who is meeting, much less what they discuss. I cannot even be subpoenaed by a court to reveal what is discussed. And I make it a firm practice to destroy all mediation notes in front of both clients at our final session.

This Vancouver couple opened their bank accounts, business dealings, their closets, attics, and basements, and their hearts for all the world to examine. Every dirty secret, every private moment, every broken promise and crushed hope became public fodder. Mediation would have protected them and their whole family from this humiliation.

EVERYBODY LOSES OR EVERYBODY WINS

The story tells of the wife in this case that, "Despite her success, [she] felt the results at trial were disastrous for her and the appeal court ruling scarcely any better. She also was not pleased with the high cost of her divorce."

And that's pretty typical for litigation (lawyer-based court cases). National statistics show that around 85 percent of domestic litigants feel like they lost. Wait. Shouldn't that be 50 percent felt they lost and 50 percent felt they won? But it's not that way. Litigation drags the disputants through so much negativity and so much anger and hurt that they almost all feel it was a loss for them.

Mediation clients state almost the exact opposite feelings. Nearly 85 percent state they feel they won their cases through mediation. This is because - whether the couple is sorting through a full divorce, some part of their divorce, or the many conflicts that come up in the years following the divorce (child support, visitation, medical expenses, etc) - whatever the conflict, the solution is created by the couple. That means, when the dust settles, both members know exactly what they agreed to and they created the settlement.

MORAL OF THE STORY

So, what have we learned at the (very high) expense of this poor couple from Canada?

1. divorce is a painful, expensive process, best avoided if at all possible
2. litigating your divorce (dragging it through courts) is damaging all around
3. litigation leads to disappointment, even when you "win"
4. mediation saves money, time, and dignity
5. whether before, during, or after divorce, mediation keeps the couple in charge
6. mediation is better for families than court-based litigation

If you have questions about how mediation can help to improve or preserve your relationships, or how you can use mediation to settle a family conflict, or any other questions about mediation, please feel free to visit my private site or email me directly.

Bob Collins, Pontifex Familia