Some of you still wonder how I can help your family, your marriage.
I've explained my program a few times before, but here is a little video excerpt from a movie that pretty much shows what I do for my couples. Whether you're in a painful relationship or muddling through the difficult mission of parenting together after a divorce, I help with that.
In this video, I am the coach, and the two young athletes can represent any couple I work with - married, divorced, or just trying to keep life together.
If you need help getting your relationship and family running smoothly ... or just running again, email me. I'll be happy to talk to you about your situation.
I am open for any and all questions after you watch this.
STEPcoach Bob Collins
Showing posts with label mediation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mediation. Show all posts
Monday, April 16, 2012
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Divorce issues
[The following "guest column" by me appeared in "The City Wire" this last Sunday. The story refers to an incident where a divorced dad walked into a county courthouse with three guns, tried unsuccessfully to find and kill the family court judge who has handled his divorce, then shot up the courthouse. He only wounded one person, but was killed when he walked outside and continued firing toward the assembled police force.]
When James Ray Palmer burned his home, loaded up his arms, and marched into the Crawford County courthouse last week, it wasn’t a spur of the moment decision. Friends and family say he had been leaving clues for awhile that things were about to boil over.And, in fact, it seems the kettle had been bubbling for 12 years, since his divorce. The feelings percolating in his heart weren’t too alien from those many other divorced parents have felt.
Divorce, it has been said, is one of the greatest tragedies we can go through. It is personal in a way few other injuries can be. It strikes to a person’s heart, their self-image, their very soul. The death of a relationship you had counted on being life-long reshapes your concept of life and the world you live in. If you’ve been divorced, even if you were the one who filed for your divorce, you understand the intimacy of the disturbance.
As a family mediator specializing in divorce and re-marriage, I have seen thousands of instances of divorce, some handled well, and many handle poorly. Far too many of the individuals I meet with tell of being just a few steps away from the tragedy that ended Palmer’s pain. They speak of great, burning anger, dreams of revenge, personal agony that never really goes away.
The disturbing fact is that James Palmer acted out what so many divorced parents have fantasized. Most of us just don’t pick up the guns and charge in shooting.
All indications are that Palmer didn’t intend to harm anyone except the judge he blamed for his broken family. The only person shot was the judge’s assistant, and it’s difficult to imagine someone so poor a shot that more than 70 rounds accidentally didn’t hit anyone in the enclosed halls of the courthouse. He was looking for a way out of his misery, and just maybe willing to take out the man he saw as responsible. Notice that in his final act, he didn’t go after his ex-wife or any other family members, just the one outsider closest to the mess.
If that is so, what drove this father and reportedly quiet man over the edge? Why, after more than 10 years fretting over his problems, did he snap now? The answer to that, of course, only James Palmer himself knows for sure, but we know the effects of divorce never really end for a person. As I said before, divorce cuts deeply and re-shapes a person’s attitudes and ideals. The perceived betrayal or abandonment by a person you trusted completely is a life-changing event.
When a child is involved, it can be even more disturbing.
Through a class I teach for divorcing parents, I have the opportunity to hear and sometimes reach many of these individuals in the middle of their breakup. The mix of feelings — from anger to despair to hopelessness to desperation — leaves them unsure of their position or their future. If they do not properly settle their feelings, the damage can go on the rest of their lives.Some divorcees deal with their loss in socially acceptable ways that are still destructive.
Drinking, taking drugs, jumping into inappropriate relationships, or throwing out mementoes they will want later are just ways of acting out their pain and confusion. They might use a bottle or someone else’s body instead of a gun, as Palmer did, but the effects are often the same — lives torn up, futures crashed, and, ultimately, their own life lost along the way.
What may someone do to prevent this sort of divorce-related tragedy in their own or a friend’s life? Most important is to deal with the real problem. All the forms of acting out are really ways of avoiding the loss that’s been suffered. Find someone to talk to about how you’re hurting — a close friend, a minister, or a counselor, but someone who can hear your pain, sympathize, understand, and offer encouragement to push on through to more sane times.
For the sake of their own sanity, as well as their children’s well-being, they must create a new way of being family. Divorce never ends that parental connection, so it is vital they find a way to endure and accept the new relationship. Clearly, Palmer and his son’s mother never successfully re-created their partnership.Using legal avenues didn’t help the Palmers to find peace. They rarely do.
Counseling can help, and Mr. Palmer appears to have needed some intense therapy. But too many people view counseling as a sign of weakness or illness, and the process can be lengthy.
Mediation is a proven process that goes directly to the point of conflict and guides the two parties to reasonably consider ways to take the pressure off both of them. Children almost always benefit when their parents are willing to sit down and at least try mediating their differences.
Perhaps if the Palmers had been willing to talk through their arguments and let someone guide them to consider methods of working together for their son, the explosion of emotions might have been prevented. No one can say for sure, but there is a great chance.
Mediation may not solve all the problems, but clearing the air and rationally discussing disputes has helped many in the past. It may just be the first step, but it is always better to consider understanding than to just hope things will magically get better on their own.
They rarely do.
STEPcoach, Bob Collins
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Kids Need to Have Fun after Divorce
Here's a tidbit I found that I thought you'd like. This article, by attorney April Jones, opens a new topic in the discussions about helping your children survive divorce. We've talked about how children of divorce need security and some tips for guiding them into a new future, but in this article, Jones addresses a little considered aspect of divorced kids - their need to have fun again after the trauma of their parents' divorce.
I hope you get some good ideas from this brief article. If you have ideas or questions, please feel free to contact me directly at stepcoach@stepcoach.com - I'll be happy to help!
Helping Your Children Cope With the Pain of Divorce: The Importance of Having Fun
Children coping with their families being broken are often under more pressure than their parents realize. Everyone talks about how resilient children are but it can be a resilience obtained at the price of fun and whimsy and light heartedness. What appears to be resilience is often a defense mechanism that can essentially cost children much of their innocence and youthfulness. This is especially true when children have to navigate between bitter, angry, fearful or just plain sad parents who are mourning the death of the dreams they once had for themselves.
These children have to be resilient when Mom is too sad or tired to do laundry and cook because she's coping with her new full time job and battling depression. The children have to be resilient when Dad is too silent and too frustrated with his new single parent duties that include being both the provider and the listener. Try not to assume that your children will cope on their own. They still need the attention of each parent, they still need to laugh and feel heard. They need to know that they are still special to each of you.
Purposely taking time out for fun and relaxation is a must for families (the children AND the adults) in the transition phases of divorce. "Board Games Central" at www.boardgamecentral.com is a really neat site that I love recommending to my clients in transition. The site has all the traditional board games we grew up with plus tons of other interesting games and party ideas. Games are great for kids and adults who need to relax and have fun. Check it out, get a new game and spend time with your children and/or friends laughing out loud. It will be good for you. One idea is get together with another mother/daughter or father/son team and plan a dinner mystery party for 3-5 other parent/child pairs. Teen girls love the "teen idol mystery party" dinner mystery game. The advantage of co-hosting a party is that you can let your friend do most of the work so you and your child can concentrate on enjoying yourselves and each other.
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Original article link: Children Coping With Divorce
Monday, February 1, 2010
The Cost of Procrastinating
I teach a class for divorcing parents on how to guide their children through divorce with as little damage as possible. As I point out in the lesson, divorce always affects children. Some are badly damaged, some are only lightly stained. But all are changed for the rest of their lives. Many are affected so that their own marriages later in life are damaged by their parents' divorce.
Last month in a divorcing parents' class, one of the attending moms told us that she wished she had known about our stepparenting support and mediation sessions before, because she was sure her family could have avoided the break up with some help. She went on to confess that she and her then-husband had talked about getting help, but they kept putting it off, hoping things would just get better, until it was too late.
Their cost included (among other things):
And that's just the financial costs. Besides that is his broken heart, her failed dreams, their children's crushed hopes and ideals about life and love, each spouse's family's shared heartache, and one more breakdown of family in America.
Let me state clearly here: I am a licensed family mediator. I have, since 1996, helped hundreds of stepfamilies to settle their differences and stay together. I help couples figure out ways to resolve the little upsets that build into irreconcilable differences. I also help reconcile those differences. I am proud to be a Christian family mediator. I save families from divorce and disaster.
Before you think, "let's just wait, maybe it will get better," or "surely he'll change," or "maybe she's just bluffing, it'll be OK;" before you wait, hoping the problem will go away on its own, email me or call me and let's talk about preventing a disaster in your family.
Your have your entire future in the balance. But that's OK. You're an adult and you can handle another divorce. But what about your children? Do you really want to drag them through that pain again? Do something before it's too late, because the cost of procrastinating is far more than they can afford.
God bless your whole family,
STEPcoach Bob Collins
479-522-7490
Last month in a divorcing parents' class, one of the attending moms told us that she wished she had known about our stepparenting support and mediation sessions before, because she was sure her family could have avoided the break up with some help. She went on to confess that she and her then-husband had talked about getting help, but they kept putting it off, hoping things would just get better, until it was too late.
Their cost included (among other things):
- several thousand dollars for attorneys and court fees,
- the expense of his new apartment so she and their three kids could keep the house,
- a second set of utility payments each month,
- a second car payment, and
- counseling for their middle daughter who wouldn't quit crying about daddy leaving.
And that's just the financial costs. Besides that is his broken heart, her failed dreams, their children's crushed hopes and ideals about life and love, each spouse's family's shared heartache, and one more breakdown of family in America.
All because they just kept putting off getting help through mediation or counseling. Just to save a couple hundred bucks.
Let me state clearly here: I am a licensed family mediator. I have, since 1996, helped hundreds of stepfamilies to settle their differences and stay together. I help couples figure out ways to resolve the little upsets that build into irreconcilable differences. I also help reconcile those differences. I am proud to be a Christian family mediator. I save families from divorce and disaster.
Before you think, "let's just wait, maybe it will get better," or "surely he'll change," or "maybe she's just bluffing, it'll be OK;" before you wait, hoping the problem will go away on its own, email me or call me and let's talk about preventing a disaster in your family.
Your have your entire future in the balance. But that's OK. You're an adult and you can handle another divorce. But what about your children? Do you really want to drag them through that pain again? Do something before it's too late, because the cost of procrastinating is far more than they can afford.
God bless your whole family,
STEPcoach Bob Collins
479-522-7490
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Holiday Tips - #9
Stepfamily Holiday Survival Tip #9:
Wear thicker skin over the holidays. As the inevitable pressures build, be prepared to be an example of patience and lovingkindness.
Be careful that you don’t lose control of yourself and damage relationships you have to maintain throughout the rest of the year. Someone has to be the adult, it might as well be you. And don’t be a martyr about it, telling everyone how tough it is, just do it with a smile. Even if no one else appreciates your strength, you can feel proud of yourself on January 4th!
Understand that, when your kids return from their holiday visits, they will probably be wearing an attitude. They usually do after a trip to “that other house,” don’t they? Have you figured out why yet?
More than likely, it’s because they’ve had a not–so–great time. They were away from home, in a strange place, among strangers with strange customs. They missed you, and that made them feel guilty for not loving their Dad more. Possibly they were left out of activities and treated like street urchins brought in out of charity.
Do you see why it’s so important to put forth the effort to make the kids who come visit you feel welcome?
On the other hand, the kids who do come visit you may very well be less than gracious about your efforts to include them and make them feel comfortable. Never mind. It’s not really important how well someone receives a gift from you. It’s how you give the gift that matters. The visiting kids may have been “prepped” by their mom or dad to expect you to be a monster, so they are putting up the best defense — a good offense.
Well, you just prove to them what kind of a person you really are! And you will, good or bad.
[NOTE: this is an excerpt from our guide book, Beat the Holiday Blues.]
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You are NOT alone! We love you and we can help.
God bless your whole, wonderful family,
STEPcoach Bob Collins
Wear thicker skin over the holidays. As the inevitable pressures build, be prepared to be an example of patience and lovingkindness.
Be careful that you don’t lose control of yourself and damage relationships you have to maintain throughout the rest of the year. Someone has to be the adult, it might as well be you. And don’t be a martyr about it, telling everyone how tough it is, just do it with a smile. Even if no one else appreciates your strength, you can feel proud of yourself on January 4th!
Understand that, when your kids return from their holiday visits, they will probably be wearing an attitude. They usually do after a trip to “that other house,” don’t they? Have you figured out why yet?
More than likely, it’s because they’ve had a not–so–great time. They were away from home, in a strange place, among strangers with strange customs. They missed you, and that made them feel guilty for not loving their Dad more. Possibly they were left out of activities and treated like street urchins brought in out of charity.
Do you see why it’s so important to put forth the effort to make the kids who come visit you feel welcome?
On the other hand, the kids who do come visit you may very well be less than gracious about your efforts to include them and make them feel comfortable. Never mind. It’s not really important how well someone receives a gift from you. It’s how you give the gift that matters. The visiting kids may have been “prepped” by their mom or dad to expect you to be a monster, so they are putting up the best defense — a good offense.
Well, you just prove to them what kind of a person you really are! And you will, good or bad.
[NOTE: this is an excerpt from our guide book, Beat the Holiday Blues.]
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Don't forget about my special Christmas gift offer: 25% off my standard rates for couple mediation/coaching sessions. Details are HERE
You are NOT alone! We love you and we can help.
God bless your whole, wonderful family,
STEPcoach Bob Collins
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Holiday Special Offer for Your Family
If you have wanted to get private personal guidance and help for your family conflicts and arguments, this is your chance.
I am offering, as a Christmas present to your family, a 25% discount off my regular fees for private mediation/coaching sessions. This is limited to new clients who order and pay for a minimum of four sessions before Christmas, the sessions to begin following New Years 2010.
These sessions are not limited to any topic or subject. We can begin rebuilding your family's relationships and finding healthy solutions to your disputes regarding parenting, marriage, divorce, ex-spouses, stepchildren, or any other family related issues that are causing distress in your home.
Why am I giving away one fourth of my fees? Because you need it. Our families are failing at a horrifying rate today. Stepfamilies are divorcing much faster than ever before. The challenges facing our marriages, our children, and our extended families are becoming overwhelming.
I can help you with those challenges and I want to. I have been teaching peaceful solutions to breaking and broken families since 1996. I have been able to help thousands of stepfamilies and divorced parents rebuild trust and teamwork. And I can help your family, too.
To take advantage of this one-time special offer, contact me before midnight, December 24, 2009; agree to a contract for a minimum of four sessions to begin in January 2010; and pay for the sessions in advance. You will receive a 25% discount off my standard session fees. This offer is open only to first time clients, please.
Please let me help you and your family find the peace you had hoped for before you married. You owe it to yourself and your whole family to begin the process of building a healthier future now.
Email me HERE, or call me at 479-522-7490 to begin a new, healthier family life for 2010.
God bless your whole, wonderful family!
STEPcoach Bob Collins
I am offering, as a Christmas present to your family, a 25% discount off my regular fees for private mediation/coaching sessions. This is limited to new clients who order and pay for a minimum of four sessions before Christmas, the sessions to begin following New Years 2010.
These sessions are not limited to any topic or subject. We can begin rebuilding your family's relationships and finding healthy solutions to your disputes regarding parenting, marriage, divorce, ex-spouses, stepchildren, or any other family related issues that are causing distress in your home.
Why am I giving away one fourth of my fees? Because you need it. Our families are failing at a horrifying rate today. Stepfamilies are divorcing much faster than ever before. The challenges facing our marriages, our children, and our extended families are becoming overwhelming.
I can help you with those challenges and I want to. I have been teaching peaceful solutions to breaking and broken families since 1996. I have been able to help thousands of stepfamilies and divorced parents rebuild trust and teamwork. And I can help your family, too.
To take advantage of this one-time special offer, contact me before midnight, December 24, 2009; agree to a contract for a minimum of four sessions to begin in January 2010; and pay for the sessions in advance. You will receive a 25% discount off my standard session fees. This offer is open only to first time clients, please.
Please let me help you and your family find the peace you had hoped for before you married. You owe it to yourself and your whole family to begin the process of building a healthier future now.
Email me HERE, or call me at 479-522-7490 to begin a new, healthier family life for 2010.
God bless your whole, wonderful family!
STEPcoach Bob Collins
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Love, Peace, & Joy for You!
I was asked again, just yesterday, "Now what exactly is it you do with families?" So I thought I'd just publish the short answer for those of you who have been wondering.
What do I really do?
I teach couples - not-yet married, married, or divorced parents - to understand, embrace, and effectively use …
Love
Joy
Peace
Patience
Kindness
Goodness
Faithfulness
Gentleness
Self-Control
in their marriage relationships, their parenting, their post-marriage parenting relationships, and in their lives in general.
What are these characteristics?
These are the Fruits of the Holy Spirit, as found in Galatians 5:22
These are the natural character of God's Spirit which is living in each person who has accepted and confessed Christ as Lord of his or her life. The Bible tells us that if you have accepted Christ as your Lord, then you do have His Holy Spirit living in you. And, if you have His Spirit living in you (in your heart, mind, soul), then you already have these qualities in you. The word picture is that of planting, say, an apple tree in your yard and it bearing apples. Plant the Spirit in your heart and He will bear those fruits.
So why do so few Christians demonstrate these beautiful fruits in the words the say, the way they act, their own character? Well, just because you've got an apple tree in your yard doesn't mean you are well fed on apples if you neglect to go to the tree and pick the fruit it grows, right? And just because you've got God's Spirit producing these sweet characteristics in your heart doesn't mean you're using them. Many Christians just let the fruit lie and rot on the ground beneath the "tree." In other words, you may have the ability to be joyful, but still choose (CHOOSE!) not to embrace and show that joyfulness.
Why?
Why in the world would anyone choose not to be joyful if they had the opportunity? And that's the answer: "in the world." If you keep your eyes, mind, and heart focused on the upsetting events of the world, you can't focus on God's gifts right inside your heart.
Let's say your child is in a rare cuddly, lovey mood. They just want to crawl into your lap, lay their head on your shoulder, and share time with you. But, right at the same moment, your neighbors have decided to have a loud, angry fight in the street outside your window …
Your mind has a choice: focus on the love and sweetness of your child in your lap, or focus on the angry, loud mess outside your window. You know, right now, what you should do, but in the moment you'll probably either push your child away to see what's happening, or at least give that child less than the attention he or she deserves …
You make choices like that many times every day. And all too often you are subconsciously choosing to ignore the Fruits of God's Spirit inside your heart, mind, and soul in favor of upsetting situations around you, in your family, at your job, or just distractions in your mind. Free Will can be both a blessing and a curse so often, can't it?
So, how do I help couples learn to tap into those precious Fruits so they can have happier relationships and lives within their families?
By reminding them regularly that the option to be joyful is available, guiding them to find the Fruit inside themselves, and developing practices that will strengthen their ability to live more in the Fruits than in the distraction. Now, these practices vary depending on the couple and their particular issues. For some, they may involve creating solid household Rules that will help them work more successfully together; for others, we may find better ways of communicating with each other; and for others, gentle confrontation of upsetting issues may be necessary in order to get those issues resolved.
And it works.
It works beautifully. I've done it many times for many married couples, parents, and divorced parenting families.
So, if you're not enjoying your family as much as you wish you could be; if you're not living the Love-Joy-Peace-filled lives you long for; if you find yourself more often pulled down that lifted up,
let me help you find that joy. You, your children, and your marriage will be much better off for it.
All you have to do to get started on better family relationships is to contact me by email or by phone (479-522-7490) and start asking questions. I'll be happy to answer anything you're not sure about. Then we can set a time to begin building your new Love, Joy, and Peace-filled family.
I'll be waiting for your email so we can get started. God bless your whole family!
What do I really do?
I teach couples - not-yet married, married, or divorced parents - to understand, embrace, and effectively use …
Love
Joy
Peace
Patience
Kindness
Goodness
Faithfulness
Gentleness
Self-Control
in their marriage relationships, their parenting, their post-marriage parenting relationships, and in their lives in general.
What are these characteristics?
These are the Fruits of the Holy Spirit, as found in Galatians 5:22
These are the natural character of God's Spirit which is living in each person who has accepted and confessed Christ as Lord of his or her life. The Bible tells us that if you have accepted Christ as your Lord, then you do have His Holy Spirit living in you. And, if you have His Spirit living in you (in your heart, mind, soul), then you already have these qualities in you. The word picture is that of planting, say, an apple tree in your yard and it bearing apples. Plant the Spirit in your heart and He will bear those fruits.
So why do so few Christians demonstrate these beautiful fruits in the words the say, the way they act, their own character? Well, just because you've got an apple tree in your yard doesn't mean you are well fed on apples if you neglect to go to the tree and pick the fruit it grows, right? And just because you've got God's Spirit producing these sweet characteristics in your heart doesn't mean you're using them. Many Christians just let the fruit lie and rot on the ground beneath the "tree." In other words, you may have the ability to be joyful, but still choose (CHOOSE!) not to embrace and show that joyfulness.
Why?
Why in the world would anyone choose not to be joyful if they had the opportunity? And that's the answer: "in the world." If you keep your eyes, mind, and heart focused on the upsetting events of the world, you can't focus on God's gifts right inside your heart.
Let's say your child is in a rare cuddly, lovey mood. They just want to crawl into your lap, lay their head on your shoulder, and share time with you. But, right at the same moment, your neighbors have decided to have a loud, angry fight in the street outside your window …
Your mind has a choice: focus on the love and sweetness of your child in your lap, or focus on the angry, loud mess outside your window. You know, right now, what you should do, but in the moment you'll probably either push your child away to see what's happening, or at least give that child less than the attention he or she deserves …
You make choices like that many times every day. And all too often you are subconsciously choosing to ignore the Fruits of God's Spirit inside your heart, mind, and soul in favor of upsetting situations around you, in your family, at your job, or just distractions in your mind. Free Will can be both a blessing and a curse so often, can't it?
So, how do I help couples learn to tap into those precious Fruits so they can have happier relationships and lives within their families?
By reminding them regularly that the option to be joyful is available, guiding them to find the Fruit inside themselves, and developing practices that will strengthen their ability to live more in the Fruits than in the distraction. Now, these practices vary depending on the couple and their particular issues. For some, they may involve creating solid household Rules that will help them work more successfully together; for others, we may find better ways of communicating with each other; and for others, gentle confrontation of upsetting issues may be necessary in order to get those issues resolved.
And it works.
It works beautifully. I've done it many times for many married couples, parents, and divorced parenting families.
So, if you're not enjoying your family as much as you wish you could be; if you're not living the Love-Joy-Peace-filled lives you long for; if you find yourself more often pulled down that lifted up,
let me help you find that joy. You, your children, and your marriage will be much better off for it.
All you have to do to get started on better family relationships is to contact me by email or by phone (479-522-7490) and start asking questions. I'll be happy to answer anything you're not sure about. Then we can set a time to begin building your new Love, Joy, and Peace-filled family.
I'll be waiting for your email so we can get started. God bless your whole family!
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Counseling Ladies Safely
How to privately, confidentially meet with an emotionally fragile wife without compromising her safety and my reputation is a tough issue that I, like all male ministers, counselors, and mediators must face. Recently, I read a good article on this topic by motivational (and funny) speaker, Mark Gungor on his blog. Among the comments, was this from a lady reader:
From a woman's perspective and my own personal experience it is my opinion that women go to men instead of women because men have the ability to re-frame a woman's problem in boxes and take the emotion of the problem. If a woman is having emotional problems she does not want to go to an emotional being to fix the problem. The times that I used to go to men for situations I was struggling with, the guy would be able to articulate my problem without the emotion of it and put it in his boxes which helped me to see it differently and take care of it. Sometimes going to women just added to the emotion in the my head. HOWEVER, this does not give women an excuse to put men in a situation where they are tempted. I think what I have experienced is that once a man sorts your problem and put it in boxes the women wants him to do it again and again. I agree highly that women should mentor other women and getting a mans opinion occasionally is fine.Ladies am I right????
I was impressed by her insight that sometimes women want to know how men view their problems. I replied:
I think you’re right that women appreciate having a man compartmentalize their emotional dilemmas for them. As a Christian family mediator, I am often approached by wives or ex-wives wanting me to help them get a message across to their mate or ex so they can begin solving the problems. I rarely meet with these women without their spouse or ex (that’s the whole purpose of mediation, to get THEM communicating), but in initial sessions we do sometimes meet alone.
On those occasions I always alert two of the secretaries at the church to help me by “patrolling” past the half-window door to my meeting room several times where the client can see them. This gives me two safeties: the secretaries can bear witness that nothing untoward happened; and the client feels safer knowing other women are nearby.
It’s a dangerous (and litigious) world out there, so we have to be careful to protect ourselves and our reputations - but we also have a responsibility to serve hurting families. Balance and being “wise as a serpent but harmless as doves” are key to doing it right.
STEPcoach.com
If you've thought about seeking professional advice, guidance, or mediation, let me make two suggestions: first, make sure you know who you're talking to. Just picking a name out of a phone book or a web listing can be dangerous. It's a jungle out there, know whose advice you're getting. Ask a friend or pastor, research the person, go to someone you know.
Most all of my clients come from readers of my blog, articles, newsletter, or web site. They know a lot about me before they ever contact me.
Second, insist on a preliminary meeting to feel each other out. Any reputable coach or counselor should be willing to talk to you before setting a contract.
I always meet with potential clients to see if we "fit." Sometimes my mediation or coaching services aren't what they need. If not, I'll suggest someone else. Sometimes we just don't click - whether because of their personalities or because of other conflicts. Find out first.
For your own safety, and for mine, it is important to ... well, to "step carefully" when you seek out help in something as vital and personal as your own or your family's relationships. Investigate and be safe!
STEPcoach Bob Collins
P.S. if you're interested in relationship help from me - either formal mediation, or personal guidance coaching - contact me directly and we'll proceed s l o w l y to figure out exactly what you need to get your life happy again.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Planning to Succeed in Your New Family
A few years ago I created a new marriage preparation program. Not that there weren't plenty of good programs already. It was just that none of those met the needs of my clients. You see, all those clients were getting married for the second or third (or even fourth!) times. They already knew the basics about setting up a home with someone - checking accounts, personal space, moving away from Mom, all that sort of thing. What they needed was something different.
They needed a program to prepare them for the surprising and sometimes harsh realities of life in a stepfamily. I've worked with stepfamilies since 1996 and I've been in a stepfamily since 1994, so I know the special challenges involved in this exciting form of family. "We" have adventures first marriages never dream of. I called the new program STEPprep.
Basic marriage preparation programs, even the really good ones, don't take into account such matters as how you'll discipline each others' kids, how you'll deal with stepbrothers' and stepsisters' feelings of rivalry or jealousy or betrayal; or how you'd like your new husband to deal with your previous husband (if at all); or how much involvement you want your new wife to have with the folks who were best friends with you and your previous wife; or what you plan to do with your ex-in-laws when they begin giving input on your new spouse's method of raising their grandchildren. (!!)
These questions - among many others - are just the sort of things that can derail a second marriage before it gets well established. In my experience, it's not just the challenge, but the unexpected shock of those challenges that rocks most stepcouples relationships. By addressing all the possible and probable surprises in STEPprep, we can develop specific plans to deal with them before they come up. That means you will be prepared to prevent the kind of shocks that can pull you apart.
Another difference in my STEPprep course, from a standard marriage prep program, is the individualized design of each couple's program. While I deal with a set group of topics in STEPprep, most of the program is designed based on the couple's make up. For example, a couple consisting of:
* a twice-divorced mother of three teenagers, all of whom live with her full time, and a never-married man with no children,
will have vastly different needs and concerns from:
* a once-divorced man with two young daughters who visit him on weekends, and a once-divorced woman with a full-time son (and a very involved ex-husband).
As I've worked with stepfamilies across the US and around the world over the last dozen years, I have seen that there are almost an infinite number of couple combinations possible. Yet almost all stepfamilies also seem to experience some similar challenges. The best solution is to teach about the commonalities while also addressing the individual issues. Which is virtually impossible in a class setting, so I meet with each couple privately.
Before I begin working with an engaged couple, they must complete a data profile from which I design their program. The answers they provide tell me where their needs lie and what will most likely be their greatest challenges in their new marriage. Some couples need a great deal of preparation for dealing with their new stepchildren (and their own biological children's reactions to the marriage), others need more help with ex-spouses, while others need more direction about blending two different backgrounds. And all usually need at least a little coaching with these and other stepfamily issues.
I have heard back from some couples who have completed the STEPprep program and gone on to get married. They have all said that the lessons, scenarios, and practice discussions have actually come up in real life. Many have said that they used exact wording we practiced when they dealt with challenges from their children, their ex-es, and well meaning members of their extended family who had offered "help." I am gratified to hear that the program works, but happier to know these couples have a much better chance of a happy future together.
If you'd like information about the STEPprep program for yourself or someone you know, please call me directly at 479-522-7490, email me at coach@stepcoach.com, or visit the website at STEPcoach.com
Bob Collins, STEPcoach
They needed a program to prepare them for the surprising and sometimes harsh realities of life in a stepfamily. I've worked with stepfamilies since 1996 and I've been in a stepfamily since 1994, so I know the special challenges involved in this exciting form of family. "We" have adventures first marriages never dream of. I called the new program STEPprep.
Basic marriage preparation programs, even the really good ones, don't take into account such matters as how you'll discipline each others' kids, how you'll deal with stepbrothers' and stepsisters' feelings of rivalry or jealousy or betrayal; or how you'd like your new husband to deal with your previous husband (if at all); or how much involvement you want your new wife to have with the folks who were best friends with you and your previous wife; or what you plan to do with your ex-in-laws when they begin giving input on your new spouse's method of raising their grandchildren. (!!)
These questions - among many others - are just the sort of things that can derail a second marriage before it gets well established. In my experience, it's not just the challenge, but the unexpected shock of those challenges that rocks most stepcouples relationships. By addressing all the possible and probable surprises in STEPprep, we can develop specific plans to deal with them before they come up. That means you will be prepared to prevent the kind of shocks that can pull you apart.
Another difference in my STEPprep course, from a standard marriage prep program, is the individualized design of each couple's program. While I deal with a set group of topics in STEPprep, most of the program is designed based on the couple's make up. For example, a couple consisting of:
* a twice-divorced mother of three teenagers, all of whom live with her full time, and a never-married man with no children,
will have vastly different needs and concerns from:
* a once-divorced man with two young daughters who visit him on weekends, and a once-divorced woman with a full-time son (and a very involved ex-husband).
As I've worked with stepfamilies across the US and around the world over the last dozen years, I have seen that there are almost an infinite number of couple combinations possible. Yet almost all stepfamilies also seem to experience some similar challenges. The best solution is to teach about the commonalities while also addressing the individual issues. Which is virtually impossible in a class setting, so I meet with each couple privately.
Before I begin working with an engaged couple, they must complete a data profile from which I design their program. The answers they provide tell me where their needs lie and what will most likely be their greatest challenges in their new marriage. Some couples need a great deal of preparation for dealing with their new stepchildren (and their own biological children's reactions to the marriage), others need more help with ex-spouses, while others need more direction about blending two different backgrounds. And all usually need at least a little coaching with these and other stepfamily issues.
I have heard back from some couples who have completed the STEPprep program and gone on to get married. They have all said that the lessons, scenarios, and practice discussions have actually come up in real life. Many have said that they used exact wording we practiced when they dealt with challenges from their children, their ex-es, and well meaning members of their extended family who had offered "help." I am gratified to hear that the program works, but happier to know these couples have a much better chance of a happy future together.
If you'd like information about the STEPprep program for yourself or someone you know, please call me directly at 479-522-7490, email me at coach@stepcoach.com, or visit the website at STEPcoach.com
Bob Collins, STEPcoach
Friday, March 27, 2009
Your Life in (1980s) Music!
You know, with all it's fluff and silliness, music from the 1980s had some real grit to it! Just look at the examples below of songs that still have some bite to them today. These were songs we grew up on (or our kids did!) and, looking back, I can still find some good lessons in them. Enjoy:
* Falling in love= "Flashdance...What A Feeling," Irene Cara • married love= "It's My Life," Talk Talk
* Stepfamily love = "The Second Time Around"-Shalamar & "With You I'm Born Again"-Billy Preston
* Are you hurting?• "Love On The Rocks"-Neil D;
* Time for marriage mediation: when you are "All Out Of Love"-Air Supply & "Upside Down"-Diana Ross
* Before "Another One Bites The Dust"-Queen - try family mediation
* It's never too late: "Working My Way Back To You/Forgive Me, Girl" - Spinners • Don't give up on your love!
* Divorce:no; Mediate:YES! "We Don't Talk Anymore"-Cliff Richard "Please Don't Go"-KC & Sunshine Band
* Mediation for married couples = "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)"- Rupert Holmes • look for love at home!
* Ah reconciliation is beautiful! "Do That To Me One More Time" - Captain & Tennille
* "Never Gonna Give You Up," by Rick Astley - words to live by for man & wife 4 life!
* Successful marriages ... "Makin' love out of nothin' at all."
* with "Don't Worry, Be Happy," B McFerrin quoted Jesus' sermon on the mount, & offered solid advice for families
So, if you're having rough times in your relationship, "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" - I can help! www.FamilyMediator.org
* Falling in love= "Flashdance...What A Feeling," Irene Cara • married love= "It's My Life," Talk Talk
* Stepfamily love = "The Second Time Around"-Shalamar & "With You I'm Born Again"-Billy Preston
* Are you hurting?• "Love On The Rocks"-Neil D;
* Time for marriage mediation: when you are "All Out Of Love"-Air Supply & "Upside Down"-Diana Ross
* Before "Another One Bites The Dust"-Queen - try family mediation
* It's never too late: "Working My Way Back To You/Forgive Me, Girl" - Spinners • Don't give up on your love!
* Divorce:no; Mediate:YES! "We Don't Talk Anymore"-Cliff Richard "Please Don't Go"-KC & Sunshine Band
* Mediation for married couples = "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)"- Rupert Holmes • look for love at home!
* Ah reconciliation is beautiful! "Do That To Me One More Time" - Captain & Tennille
* "Never Gonna Give You Up," by Rick Astley - words to live by for man & wife 4 life!
* Successful marriages ... "Makin' love out of nothin' at all."
* with "Don't Worry, Be Happy," B McFerrin quoted Jesus' sermon on the mount, & offered solid advice for families
So, if you're having rough times in your relationship, "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" - I can help! www.FamilyMediator.org
Monday, March 9, 2009
Top Ten reasons to Mediate
Here is my Top Ten list of reasons you should consider mediation with your ex-spouse:
10. Lots cheaper than going back to court
9. Dress casually—flip flops and blue jeans are OK!
8. Brag to your friends that you thought of it first
7. Mediation takes much less time than going back to court
6. Finally, you get to complete a sentence while talking to your ex!
5. No jail time (unlike murdering the jerk)
4. Your kids see how fair and reasonable you are
3. Judges like it when you mediate (which is always good)
2. Your ex has to pay half the fee (HA!)
1. Your solution, your way, to your satisfaction—you always win with mediation!
_______________________________________________________
[NOTE: other options for the list were:]
* mediators are so cool to hang with
* mediation is so much fun!!
* lawyers already have too much money
Bobby Collins, state certified family mediator
www.FamilyMediator.ORG — 522-7490
10. Lots cheaper than going back to court
9. Dress casually—flip flops and blue jeans are OK!
8. Brag to your friends that you thought of it first
7. Mediation takes much less time than going back to court
6. Finally, you get to complete a sentence while talking to your ex!
5. No jail time (unlike murdering the jerk)
4. Your kids see how fair and reasonable you are
3. Judges like it when you mediate (which is always good)
2. Your ex has to pay half the fee (HA!)
1. Your solution, your way, to your satisfaction—you always win with mediation!
_______________________________________________________
[NOTE: other options for the list were:]
* mediators are so cool to hang with
* mediation is so much fun!!
* lawyers already have too much money
Bobby Collins, state certified family mediator
www.FamilyMediator.ORG — 522-7490
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
New SC! Report on Children of Divorce
COMING SOON! ... A brand new Special Report for parents and stepparents of Children of Divorce. I'm working frantically on finishing up a new vital resource for second families which details how to help your children overcome the challenges of divorce and succeed at moving on. I hope to have the full report ready in just a couple of weeks.
Meanwhile, here's a snippet to let you see where I'm going. This is from my working notes, so remember that the final will be more polished. But I want to let you know what the report will cover - and to get your feedback.
If you have any suggestions, or any questions you'd like addressed in the final report, NOW IS THE TIME to let me know. Just use the "Comment" function at the end of this article if you have any thoughts to share about the topic of helping children survive divorce.
STEPcoach
-------
A few basic tips regarding your Children:
Meanwhile, here's a snippet to let you see where I'm going. This is from my working notes, so remember that the final will be more polished. But I want to let you know what the report will cover - and to get your feedback.
If you have any suggestions, or any questions you'd like addressed in the final report, NOW IS THE TIME to let me know. Just use the "Comment" function at the end of this article if you have any thoughts to share about the topic of helping children survive divorce.
STEPcoach
-------
A few basic tips regarding your Children:
- Assure your children that both parents still love them, regardless of changes in the parent’s marriage.
- Assure your children that the divorce was not their fault in any way (most children blame themselves).
- As much as realistically possible, tell your children the truth about upcoming changes in their lives, including living arrangements, school, sleeping arrangements, pets, toys, visitation with family, etc.
- Learn all you can about how divorce affects children emotionally, physically, and psychologically.
- Listen carefully to your children’s questions, concerns, and fears. Never discount their importance.
- Maintain as many routines as possible in your children’s lives (sports, hobbies, visits to relatives, etc.).
- Never bad mouth your children’s other parent where the children can hear you — never.
- Never use your children as spies or to carry messages to their other parent. That is not their job; it is yours. Their job is to be children.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
President Obama
I'll readily admit that I have not been Barack Obama's greatest fan. I have had serious reservations about his qualifications to lead the free world in such complicated and tumultuous times. And there were other issues I have voiced which caused me to lean away from his election. However, a visit with a dear friend yesterday has brought a whole new appreciation to my conservative IrishAmerican mind.
Miss Jonny is a bright light in so many people's day as she sits inside Walmart's front door, smiling and greeting everyone who comes in and teasing and calling to everyone who leaves, "Have a blessed day!" If I ever noticed that Miss Jonny is black, I can't remember, because her smile is so blinding it blocks out most of her face. My wife and Miss Jonny have become friends (as is typical with my outgoing wife), so we stopped by yesterday to say hello in our shopping stop on the way home. After the usual hugs and banter, Miss Jonny asked us what we thought of "her president Barack." I said something general like, it will be interesting to see how he does in office. Miss Jonny's eyes lit up and she said that she didn't care much for how he did, just the fact that he was in was a blessing to her and to us all. Then I asked her why.
With soft eyes and a softer smile, she said, "I grew up with segregation, you know. I have been blessed in many ways, but I've had people look down on me because of my color, too. When my son took me to vote, I couldn't hardly see to vote for the tears in my eyes. I kept thinking about my great-grandfather, my grandfather and grandmother, and my mama who didn't live - who never dreamed to live to see this day. Mr. Obama's election means that the young men in my culture have more hope to be part of this country we've helped build. Now, I ain't angry with anybody for anything ever done to me, but it sure is nice to feel like I and my culture are a welcome part of our own home country."
And suddenly I was able to understand the excitement felt by so many. Through Miss Jonny's words (we talked for over an hour) I came to see that Obama was, to many Americans, more than just one man with some qualifications (shaky or not), and with a peculiar background, and a daunting job ahead. He is a representative of ... well, darn it, hope and change. And while I hope he won't change too many things I love about America, I can see that some important changes have been made.
Of course, things aren't magically perfect in race relations. There is still prejudice to be dealt with. Humans are imperfect. But at least now we have a real opportunity, as a nation, to make the big changes we've, for some stupid reasons, hesitated to make. With one man's election, we've said that we are, at least on a national level, beyond petty bigotry.
I'll still be watching President Obama, and I'll still be praying for him to succeed in leading our country. But now I'll have a deeper reason to pray for his success. Because his success represents the growth of our national culture into much more of what our founding fathers alluded to as divine equality. It really does make me hopeful.
God bless America.
BC
Miss Jonny is a bright light in so many people's day as she sits inside Walmart's front door, smiling and greeting everyone who comes in and teasing and calling to everyone who leaves, "Have a blessed day!" If I ever noticed that Miss Jonny is black, I can't remember, because her smile is so blinding it blocks out most of her face. My wife and Miss Jonny have become friends (as is typical with my outgoing wife), so we stopped by yesterday to say hello in our shopping stop on the way home. After the usual hugs and banter, Miss Jonny asked us what we thought of "her president Barack." I said something general like, it will be interesting to see how he does in office. Miss Jonny's eyes lit up and she said that she didn't care much for how he did, just the fact that he was in was a blessing to her and to us all. Then I asked her why.
With soft eyes and a softer smile, she said, "I grew up with segregation, you know. I have been blessed in many ways, but I've had people look down on me because of my color, too. When my son took me to vote, I couldn't hardly see to vote for the tears in my eyes. I kept thinking about my great-grandfather, my grandfather and grandmother, and my mama who didn't live - who never dreamed to live to see this day. Mr. Obama's election means that the young men in my culture have more hope to be part of this country we've helped build. Now, I ain't angry with anybody for anything ever done to me, but it sure is nice to feel like I and my culture are a welcome part of our own home country."
And suddenly I was able to understand the excitement felt by so many. Through Miss Jonny's words (we talked for over an hour) I came to see that Obama was, to many Americans, more than just one man with some qualifications (shaky or not), and with a peculiar background, and a daunting job ahead. He is a representative of ... well, darn it, hope and change. And while I hope he won't change too many things I love about America, I can see that some important changes have been made.
Of course, things aren't magically perfect in race relations. There is still prejudice to be dealt with. Humans are imperfect. But at least now we have a real opportunity, as a nation, to make the big changes we've, for some stupid reasons, hesitated to make. With one man's election, we've said that we are, at least on a national level, beyond petty bigotry.
I'll still be watching President Obama, and I'll still be praying for him to succeed in leading our country. But now I'll have a deeper reason to pray for his success. Because his success represents the growth of our national culture into much more of what our founding fathers alluded to as divine equality. It really does make me hopeful.
God bless America.
BC
Friday, January 9, 2009
Get Over It!
In twenty years, most of the petty demands you're making will seem childish and selfish. Do your future self and your children a favor and get over it.
By demanding everything exactly the way you want it, you are setting yourself (and all who love you) up to be constantly disappointed and frustrated, i.e. unhappy.
Why is this so hard? Jesus clearly pointed out that it is easier to be forgiving and nice than to be demanding and mean. Do you just not believe Him, or do you think yours is a better way? To quote that guy on TV, "How's that workin' for ya?"
Just forgive. Let it go. Accept an apology when it's offered - and assume an apology when it's not offered. Or just let-it-go. Do you honestly have so few real needs in your busy life that you have time to throw away on sulking and rehashing your whines?
Love God ( = obey His directions) and love your neighbor (duh! that's the person nearest you, too!). Forgive. Get over it!
STEPcoach
By demanding everything exactly the way you want it, you are setting yourself (and all who love you) up to be constantly disappointed and frustrated, i.e. unhappy.
Why is this so hard? Jesus clearly pointed out that it is easier to be forgiving and nice than to be demanding and mean. Do you just not believe Him, or do you think yours is a better way? To quote that guy on TV, "How's that workin' for ya?"
Just forgive. Let it go. Accept an apology when it's offered - and assume an apology when it's not offered. Or just let-it-go. Do you honestly have so few real needs in your busy life that you have time to throw away on sulking and rehashing your whines?
Love God ( = obey His directions) and love your neighbor (duh! that's the person nearest you, too!). Forgive. Get over it!
STEPcoach
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Evaluation Time: Holidays and New Year
Time to take a good look at yourself, your life, and your future. What? Didn't I tell you there would be a test at the end of the year? Well, here 'tis! Here are 16 life-enriching ideas to lead you into 2009.
Try to answer these as completely and honestly as you can. Might be hard to do on some of them! But, in oh, say August, you'll be glad you did when you have this to look back on. After you've answered these (with your partner or alone) send them to us so I can share them with other families.
HOLIDAY REVIEW:
1) What did you do right in dealing with the ex this Christmas season?
2) What could you have done better in dealing with your kids' other parent?
[These are important to avoid conflicts and to build bridges in this vital relationship. Your kids need to know that Mom and Dad can work together, at least for them.]
3) In retrospect, did you over- or under- gift your kids?
4) How well did you help everyone enjoy the holidays?
5) What one thing do you really wish you had remembered to do for them?
[I'm talking here about blessing your family and guiding them to more joy.]
6) What was your "whiny" factor this year - from your partner's perspective?
7) Where were your priorities toward your mate's family?
8) How many times did you and your sweetheart laugh together the last five weeks?
NEXT YEAR GOALS
[NOW is the time to begin PLANNING for next year.]
9) Think back on (or, if you're brave enough, list) your mistakes of this year; then visualize how to avoid those same faux pas next year.
10) How many dates will you commit to with your loved one in 2009? Schedule them: weekly, monthly, every Tuesday evening, lunch on Thursdays? PLAN!
11) Sit down with your sweety and daydream 25 goals for 2009 - romance, marriage, (step)parenting, career, home, personal time, etc.
12) How would you like next Christmas to go with your ex? OK, now, what are five things you can do this year to make that more possible in November/December?
13) What two trigger words or trigger phrases will you determine to turn loos of this year?
14) What are six things you want to do with your kid(s) in 2009? When? Details!
15) What two qualities will you teach your kids this year? Patience? Forgiveness? Honesty? Joy?
And how can you demonstrate those qualities to them?
16) List four activities you can do with your stepkid(s) this next year, just you and them? Think of sharing activities that will help you build common memories and shared experiences with them.
Try to answer these as completely and honestly as you can. Might be hard to do on some of them! But, in oh, say August, you'll be glad you did when you have this to look back on. After you've answered these (with your partner or alone) send them to us so I can share them with other families.
HOLIDAY REVIEW:
1) What did you do right in dealing with the ex this Christmas season?
2) What could you have done better in dealing with your kids' other parent?
[These are important to avoid conflicts and to build bridges in this vital relationship. Your kids need to know that Mom and Dad can work together, at least for them.]
3) In retrospect, did you over- or under- gift your kids?
4) How well did you help everyone enjoy the holidays?
5) What one thing do you really wish you had remembered to do for them?
[I'm talking here about blessing your family and guiding them to more joy.]
6) What was your "whiny" factor this year - from your partner's perspective?
7) Where were your priorities toward your mate's family?
8) How many times did you and your sweetheart laugh together the last five weeks?
NEXT YEAR GOALS
[NOW is the time to begin PLANNING for next year.]
9) Think back on (or, if you're brave enough, list) your mistakes of this year; then visualize how to avoid those same faux pas next year.
10) How many dates will you commit to with your loved one in 2009? Schedule them: weekly, monthly, every Tuesday evening, lunch on Thursdays? PLAN!
11) Sit down with your sweety and daydream 25 goals for 2009 - romance, marriage, (step)parenting, career, home, personal time, etc.
12) How would you like next Christmas to go with your ex? OK, now, what are five things you can do this year to make that more possible in November/December?
13) What two trigger words or trigger phrases will you determine to turn loos of this year?
14) What are six things you want to do with your kid(s) in 2009? When? Details!
15) What two qualities will you teach your kids this year? Patience? Forgiveness? Honesty? Joy?
And how can you demonstrate those qualities to them?
16) List four activities you can do with your stepkid(s) this next year, just you and them? Think of sharing activities that will help you build common memories and shared experiences with them.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Take Control This Season!
Feel it? The tension is ratcheting up as we near Christmas and the festive season of demands, expectations, custody swaps, conflicting schedules, and hopelessly gnarled traditions.
If you're feeling in-over-your-head, welcome to the stepfamily club! It doesn't mean you're a bad person or incompetent - it just means you're in a stepfamily. It's part of the process of growing into a real live family. This process, by the way, takes from FOUR to SEVEN YEARS.
You can survive and actually succeed if you'll keep a few vital points in mind:
1) YOU are in absolute control of yourself. No one can "make" you mad. They can annoy you, they can disrespect you, they can ignore you, but YOU decide how you will react. You also (with practice) can control how you feel about someone else's actions or attitude toward you.
2) You can only control yourself, so don't waste your time and energy (your life) fretting about how others act. Yes, you have a responsibility to raise your own biological children, but if you think you can control someone else's children you're in for a lot of frustration. That includes your neighbor's kids, the kids at the mall, those kids on TV ... or your spouse's kids.
3) Ask yourself whether your angry reaction will harm or protect a valued relationship. C-H-O-O-S-E how you react. In fact, try to act the way you want, rather than to RE-act based on others' words or deeds (or rolled eyes). If you just react to a provocation, you lose control of your life ... and give it to them.
4) BEWARE! Tomorrow will come around, and you will have to live with what you said and did today. Take a long viewpoint of your family relationships. Remember, you signed up for the long run ("till death do you part"!), so one bad day or week or season isn't the whole ball of wax. Someday the kids will be grown and you will have the honeymoon you dreamed of.
5) Stepparents who stick through tough times, who resist the urge to run away are HEROES! A hero is someone who goes above and beyond the call of duty; NOT someone who sits in the barracks during easy times. A hero has to have endured hardships in order to be a hero. So, if your life if tough, and if you can keep going, you can hold you head high and know you are a hero.
6) Love is not an on/off proposition. If you love someone, you love them always. You may ease out of that "in love" mystic feeling, but love goes on forever.
Just because you've heard it before doesn't make it any less true:
STEPcoach
step@stepcarefully.com
If you're feeling in-over-your-head, welcome to the stepfamily club! It doesn't mean you're a bad person or incompetent - it just means you're in a stepfamily. It's part of the process of growing into a real live family. This process, by the way, takes from FOUR to SEVEN YEARS.
You can survive and actually succeed if you'll keep a few vital points in mind:
1) YOU are in absolute control of yourself. No one can "make" you mad. They can annoy you, they can disrespect you, they can ignore you, but YOU decide how you will react. You also (with practice) can control how you feel about someone else's actions or attitude toward you.
2) You can only control yourself, so don't waste your time and energy (your life) fretting about how others act. Yes, you have a responsibility to raise your own biological children, but if you think you can control someone else's children you're in for a lot of frustration. That includes your neighbor's kids, the kids at the mall, those kids on TV ... or your spouse's kids.
3) Ask yourself whether your angry reaction will harm or protect a valued relationship. C-H-O-O-S-E how you react. In fact, try to act the way you want, rather than to RE-act based on others' words or deeds (or rolled eyes). If you just react to a provocation, you lose control of your life ... and give it to them.
4) BEWARE! Tomorrow will come around, and you will have to live with what you said and did today. Take a long viewpoint of your family relationships. Remember, you signed up for the long run ("till death do you part"!), so one bad day or week or season isn't the whole ball of wax. Someday the kids will be grown and you will have the honeymoon you dreamed of.
5) Stepparents who stick through tough times, who resist the urge to run away are HEROES! A hero is someone who goes above and beyond the call of duty; NOT someone who sits in the barracks during easy times. A hero has to have endured hardships in order to be a hero. So, if your life if tough, and if you can keep going, you can hold you head high and know you are a hero.
6) Love is not an on/off proposition. If you love someone, you love them always. You may ease out of that "in love" mystic feeling, but love goes on forever.
Just because you've heard it before doesn't make it any less true:
Love (real love, the kind that can make a stepfamily survive and succeed):
- is patient
- is kind
- does not envy
- does not boast
- is not proud
- is not rude
- is not self-seeking
- is not easily angered
- keeps no record of wrongs
- does not delight in evil
- rejoices with the truth
- always protects
- always trusts
- always hopes
- always perseveres
1Cor. 13:4-7
email me if any of this seems too hard or too confusing or if you need more help.STEPcoach
step@stepcarefully.com
Friday, December 5, 2008
Holiday Theme for your Family:
I know, I know. Holidays can me horrors. Between ex-spouses' interference, and stepkids having to be shuttled back and forth from one mess to another, and your own family's expectations, AND your own standards of perfection, it's sometimes just too much!
And it seems like everyone has A Plan to make Christmas better: buy this, don't buy that, do this, don't do that ... yikes!
Well, let me make it all easier for you with one simple idea for this holiday season ... BE NICE! That's all. Just "be nice." Liberally coat all your activities, chores, communications, everything in a double coating of Nice.
• BE NICE: to your stepkids when they are cranky - they may be afraid of how holidays will go with two "families" to visit,
• BE NICE: to your ex - they are probably afraid you'll "win" in the "kid loyalty wars" - help them make it fun for the kids,
• BE NICE to your spouse's ex - teach them a thing or two about how mature adults should treat others (do unto others ...),
• BE NICE to your parents - show them how well you turned out; how well you handle challenges; show off your gentle spirit,
• BE NICE to your spouse (your honey, sweety, darling). Your goal: make them proud and relieved that they are married to you this year!
As a dear Twitter friend (Lissa Boles) said, " Be Nice - it can build bridges , heal hearts (over time) and give the kids whole new kind of security."
After all, this is supposed to be a NICE holiday, a NICE time of the year. It's supposed to be NICE to get "loved ones" together, to share family time. If you're NICE, you win - every time! Jesus said to even be NICE to mean people in Luke 6:28. Paul said to "think on" NICE things in Philippians 4:8. Peter said to keep being NICE to others in 1 Peter 3:9.
Remember this month: it's not new, and it's not hard, just determine to BE NICE!
STEPcoach
And it seems like everyone has A Plan to make Christmas better: buy this, don't buy that, do this, don't do that ... yikes!
Well, let me make it all easier for you with one simple idea for this holiday season ... BE NICE! That's all. Just "be nice." Liberally coat all your activities, chores, communications, everything in a double coating of Nice.
• BE NICE: to your stepkids when they are cranky - they may be afraid of how holidays will go with two "families" to visit,
• BE NICE: to your ex - they are probably afraid you'll "win" in the "kid loyalty wars" - help them make it fun for the kids,
• BE NICE to your spouse's ex - teach them a thing or two about how mature adults should treat others (do unto others ...),
• BE NICE to your parents - show them how well you turned out; how well you handle challenges; show off your gentle spirit,
• BE NICE to your spouse (your honey, sweety, darling). Your goal: make them proud and relieved that they are married to you this year!
As a dear Twitter friend (Lissa Boles) said, " Be Nice - it can build bridges , heal hearts (over time) and give the kids whole new kind of security."
After all, this is supposed to be a NICE holiday, a NICE time of the year. It's supposed to be NICE to get "loved ones" together, to share family time. If you're NICE, you win - every time! Jesus said to even be NICE to mean people in Luke 6:28. Paul said to "think on" NICE things in Philippians 4:8. Peter said to keep being NICE to others in 1 Peter 3:9.
Remember this month: it's not new, and it's not hard, just determine to BE NICE!
STEPcoach
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Mediate Family Arguments - wikiHow
How to Mediate Family Arguments
from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit
NOTE: This is an article I wrote for WikiHow. You can check out the original by following the links above ... or just read it here ...
Families fight. Even good families disagree. But bitter, hateful, long-lasting wars do not belong in homes among family members sworn to love and support each other. Here are some steps to resolve disputes in your family.
Steps
- Calm down. Very little positive is accomplished between angry people. Emotions can interfere with clear thoughts and angry emotions will especially interfere with understanding and empathy. Even though it's hard to just calm down when you're angry, this is an absolute must if you want a chance to solve anything. Take a walk, take a shower, take a breathing break. Whatever works for you, just get some air between you and the anger.
- Rejoin. Agree to meet to work together. Set an appointment. Set a date. Call a mediator. Find a time and place to work where you will not be likely to reengage in the battle. Perhaps a public restaurant will keep you from blowing up. Perhaps a formal meeting with a licensed mediator. Perhaps a session with a minister who you would be reluctant to loose your calm before. But set a time and place.
- Think. Don't just emote, going over and over your argument, getting worked up again. Instead, use the time before your mediation session to plot your approach, develop your points, consider all options, decide upon a possible settlement. List both sides and look for both positive and negative to each. Prepare.
- Be positive. This is your opportunity to lead the process and show the other side how serious you are about settling the dispute. Go into the meeting head up, smiling, positive, leaning toward a good solution.
- Follow the leader. If you use a professional mediator, he or she will have guidelines. If you handle the mediation on your own, look up professional mediation procedures (http://www.FamilyMediator.org/procedures.html) and follow those. The more formalized the process, the better the chance of its being taken seriously. Important guidelines include: A) take turns talking (don't interrupt); B) repeat what was just said to show you're listening; C) list, list, list every suggestion; D) quit if anyone gets angry - take a break to breathe; E) write down your agreement
- Document, Whatever your outcome, write it down and have both sides sign. This, again, formalizes the process, adds gravity, and helps both sides remember what they agreed to.
- Review if necessary. If the agreement begins to fall apart, re-convene the mediation and confirm the agreement. If amendments are necessary, follow the original mediation process.
Tips
- If the argument is very personal or volatile, get professional help.
- Find a neutral place to meet.
- Get a mediator who is either neutral or respected by both sides.
- Document everything!
- Celebrate success. Reward yourselves for doing good.
Warnings
- Both sides must be willing to at least try.
- Don't meet for too long. Long mediations turn into endurance contests. Stop when you get tired or frustrated. Agree when to pick up again.
- Avoid a mediator who may have reason to take either side. Your mother will not be a good mediator.
- Keep your voices down. No yelling.
- No insults. No accusatory "you" statements.
- Focus on only one topic at a time. If something else comes up, make a note and come back to it later.
- Leave the past in the past. Focus on now and the future.
Sources and Citations
- FamilyMediator.org for information on how to conduct successful mediations
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Relationship Tip: Develop Fierce Loyalty!
Here's an idea to give your sweety a jolt of happiness and your relationship a shot in the arm. Practice developing a personal sense of Fierce Loyalty toward your mate.
By Fierce Loyalty, I mean an ardent, strong attitude toward taking your partner's side, no matter what the situation. Let me give you an example. Recently a client told me how embarrassed he gets when his wife gets loud in defending her child. Often, he says, if she'd just ease off, the situation would take care of itself, her child wouldn't be embarrassed, and neither would he.
Yes, she seemed to be going overboard in some cases. And, yes, she probably could have more effectively handled many of the situations without turning them into confrontations. But, as he admitted, this was just the way she deals with stress.
So, I asked him if he could think of a way to make her change her ways, to quiet down and approach things more peacefully. He said with a sigh that he couldn't really see her doing that in the foreseeable future; that's just her way. His demeanor clearly said, Poor me, I guess she'll just keep embarrassing me like that.
But wait a minnit! Isn't this your sweetheart? Isn't this the lady you couldn't stand to be without just a couple of years ago? And wasn't she pretty vocal even then? (Yes, but it seemed different, he said.)
Well, it looks to me like you only have two choices here: you can run away or you can take control of the situation! Running away means admitting you can't keep your vows, that you are wishy-washy about loyalty and love, that you arent' trustworthy. Bad choice!
Which leaves Taking Control of the Situation. Most men will admit they like the idea of taking control instead of turning tail and running away. Actually, most ladies feel that way, too, right? So how could he take control of his loud, excitable wife without starting a war with her?
Simple. Take her side. Develop an attitude of Fierce Loyalty for this sweetheart of yours. What does that mean in practice? Let's say she repeats the pattern - jumps overboard and gets loud in defending her child at, say, a volleyball game. Hubby now has a choice. He can duck his head and try to hide from anyone knowing he's associated with her. Or he can step up, put his arm around her shoulder and say, You tell 'em, Honey! I'm right here with you, Pardner.
What will that do for him? Well, at least he won't look like a wimp, hiding from his wife. Instead he's supporting her in her belief. It also shows his stepkids that he believes in their mom and is a full partner with her, which will affect the way they look at both him and their mother. Plus it will reassure his wife that he is fully engaged in her life, rather than just hanging around.
By the way, after my client started taking this approach with his wife, and consistently showed her his Fierce Loyalty, guess what began happening? She started calming down. Not completely, but to a noticeable degree. Seems that once she realized she wasn't having to fight all her battles alone, she wasn't as defensive.
What's this mean for you and your mate? When you married each other, it was with the full expectation that you were gaining a totally committed partner who would be with you through everything. Fierce Loyalty is the natural result of that commitment. You've promised to love and honor that special sweety of yours forever. Doing so - especially publicly - will help them appreciate you so much more, and it will allow you to feel like you are doing right by your love.
Show your partner and your kids what being in love is all about. Develop Fierce Loyalty for your mate and watch them blossom because of it.
By Fierce Loyalty, I mean an ardent, strong attitude toward taking your partner's side, no matter what the situation. Let me give you an example. Recently a client told me how embarrassed he gets when his wife gets loud in defending her child. Often, he says, if she'd just ease off, the situation would take care of itself, her child wouldn't be embarrassed, and neither would he.
Yes, she seemed to be going overboard in some cases. And, yes, she probably could have more effectively handled many of the situations without turning them into confrontations. But, as he admitted, this was just the way she deals with stress.
So, I asked him if he could think of a way to make her change her ways, to quiet down and approach things more peacefully. He said with a sigh that he couldn't really see her doing that in the foreseeable future; that's just her way. His demeanor clearly said, Poor me, I guess she'll just keep embarrassing me like that.
But wait a minnit! Isn't this your sweetheart? Isn't this the lady you couldn't stand to be without just a couple of years ago? And wasn't she pretty vocal even then? (Yes, but it seemed different, he said.)
Well, it looks to me like you only have two choices here: you can run away or you can take control of the situation! Running away means admitting you can't keep your vows, that you are wishy-washy about loyalty and love, that you arent' trustworthy. Bad choice!
Which leaves Taking Control of the Situation. Most men will admit they like the idea of taking control instead of turning tail and running away. Actually, most ladies feel that way, too, right? So how could he take control of his loud, excitable wife without starting a war with her?
Simple. Take her side. Develop an attitude of Fierce Loyalty for this sweetheart of yours. What does that mean in practice? Let's say she repeats the pattern - jumps overboard and gets loud in defending her child at, say, a volleyball game. Hubby now has a choice. He can duck his head and try to hide from anyone knowing he's associated with her. Or he can step up, put his arm around her shoulder and say, You tell 'em, Honey! I'm right here with you, Pardner.
What will that do for him? Well, at least he won't look like a wimp, hiding from his wife. Instead he's supporting her in her belief. It also shows his stepkids that he believes in their mom and is a full partner with her, which will affect the way they look at both him and their mother. Plus it will reassure his wife that he is fully engaged in her life, rather than just hanging around.
By the way, after my client started taking this approach with his wife, and consistently showed her his Fierce Loyalty, guess what began happening? She started calming down. Not completely, but to a noticeable degree. Seems that once she realized she wasn't having to fight all her battles alone, she wasn't as defensive.
What's this mean for you and your mate? When you married each other, it was with the full expectation that you were gaining a totally committed partner who would be with you through everything. Fierce Loyalty is the natural result of that commitment. You've promised to love and honor that special sweety of yours forever. Doing so - especially publicly - will help them appreciate you so much more, and it will allow you to feel like you are doing right by your love.
Show your partner and your kids what being in love is all about. Develop Fierce Loyalty for your mate and watch them blossom because of it.
Monday, September 22, 2008
On Turning 50 ...
Well, it finally happened - I had my fiftieth birthday last Saturday (9/20/08) and it was all I'd expected: daunting, disconcerting, unsettling, and also enjoyable. During the week before my demicenturian birthday, I became much more reflective about my first 50 years of life.
I dreamed much more about events and places where I spent time as a child (see my personal blog at vanburenarkansas.blogspot.com where my favorite music list is also playing) and actually found myself trying to make sense of some of the things I've been through: two marriages, a step-parenthood, my faith, my friends, family, and pets, careers as an artist, a journalist, a writer, a bookkeeper, a minister, a coach, and a mediator.
I thought a lot about you, too, my friends. I thought about what I have to offer to you and your families, as well as what small contributions I've been able to make to a modest number of stepfamilies around the world. I've got some particularly eyebrow raising compliments from Russian, Chinese, Irish, African stepparents who claim to have benefited from my suggestions and (mostly) my willingness to share my mistakes and victories in my own family.
I have been invited into the secret inner workings of so very many couples' tumultuous relationships, which is a privilege beyond words. I have been allowed to participate in those relationships in trust and I remember each and every one of you. Not all of the details perhaps, but the couples and families. And I treasure each of you.
I've written many thousands of words of advice - mostly directed at one family or another, but applicable to most. I've been blessed to have met and known you all. And I look forward to knowing more of you. You are a great deal of my life, you know. I think of you all often and regularly and I pray for those of you whose situations I'm familiar with.
I hope to be able to serve you for another few decades. You are not alone. You have at least one friend in your corner. God bless you all, my friends.
Bob C.
I dreamed much more about events and places where I spent time as a child (see my personal blog at vanburenarkansas.blogspot.com where my favorite music list is also playing) and actually found myself trying to make sense of some of the things I've been through: two marriages, a step-parenthood, my faith, my friends, family, and pets, careers as an artist, a journalist, a writer, a bookkeeper, a minister, a coach, and a mediator.
I thought a lot about you, too, my friends. I thought about what I have to offer to you and your families, as well as what small contributions I've been able to make to a modest number of stepfamilies around the world. I've got some particularly eyebrow raising compliments from Russian, Chinese, Irish, African stepparents who claim to have benefited from my suggestions and (mostly) my willingness to share my mistakes and victories in my own family.
I have been invited into the secret inner workings of so very many couples' tumultuous relationships, which is a privilege beyond words. I have been allowed to participate in those relationships in trust and I remember each and every one of you. Not all of the details perhaps, but the couples and families. And I treasure each of you.
I've written many thousands of words of advice - mostly directed at one family or another, but applicable to most. I've been blessed to have met and known you all. And I look forward to knowing more of you. You are a great deal of my life, you know. I think of you all often and regularly and I pray for those of you whose situations I'm familiar with.
I hope to be able to serve you for another few decades. You are not alone. You have at least one friend in your corner. God bless you all, my friends.
Bob C.
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