Who Should Apologize First?

Once again, studying in a coffee shop leads me to surprises ... and insights.

Overheard from two young ladies chatting over lattes: "Well I really think he ought to apologize to me! He's the one who started it!"

"Do you think he'll apologize to you?"

"Oh, I doubt it. He never says he's sorry about anything and I'm getting tired of it. He always thinks everything's my fault. But this time, I'm not going to be the one who apologizes first!"

Who should apologize first? I get asked that a lot in therapy sessions. Individuals - ladies or men equally, it seems - are adamant that they shouldn't have to apologize unnecessarily. They will argue and rationalize  endlessly to protect their right to NOT apologize to their spouse. Amazing!

What is behind this passionate desire to not be found wrong? Only one thing fits that bill - pride.

In my pride, I will not admit that you were right ... or that you were even a little more right than I was. How many families has pride broken up? How many hearts has it broken?

The bible is pretty clear about God's view of pride:

"God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." James 4:6
"Pay back to the proud what they have coming." Psalms 94:2
"I will not put up with anyone with a proud heart." Psalm 101:5

Not good. Why does God hate pride so much, do you suppose? Well, let's look at the lady at the coffee shop. She was so determined that she would make her husband apologize, she was forgetting all about their relationship of love in order to beat him at a contest of pride.

Pride makes us try to hurt others so we can feel better about ourselves. In essence, pride makes us god of our lives and our world, rather than lovers and partners with our mates. Pride will eventually destroy relationships as you become jealous of your partner every time you don't "win." Being right becomes more important than your love for each other.

Q: Who should apologize first?
A: The first one who realizes they have caused pain to their partner should apologize first - and then not care whether their mate apologizes back.

Love doesn't mean never having to say you're sorry, as the movie line went. Instead, love actually means being willing to do whatever is necessary - including apologizing - in order to bless your sweetheart. Apologizing first is a win-win proposition. You apologize, they feel better, you feel better, everybody wins!

Do everything you can to keep your love alive and well.

STEPcoach Bob Collins

What is A "Christian Marriage"?

In an article discussing a televangelist's recent statement that Alzheimer's is sufficient grounds for one spouse to divorce another, the writer, Russell D. Moore, gave one of the best explanations I've heard of what a "Christian marriage" is. Far beyond a simple agreement between two adults to live together and help each other out, a marriage, in a Christian sense, is a reflection of God's promise and relationship to man.


Moore begins by explaining that,

Marriage, the Scripture tells us, is an icon of something deeper, more ancient, more mysterious. The marriage union is a sign, the Apostle Paul announces, of the mystery of Christ and his church (Eph. 5). The husband, then, is to love his wife "as Christ loved the church" (Eph. 5:25). This love is defined not as the hormonal surge of romance but as a self-sacrificial crucifixion of self. The husband pictures Christ when he loves his wife by giving himself up for her.

Marriage is a crucifixion? Is he saying that being married is a slow, agonizing, torturous death sentence? Admittedly, some marriages I've worked on have looked like that on the surface, but that's when both partners aren't looking at the partnership correctly. Moore goes on to elaborate: 

At the arrest of Christ, his Bride, the church, forgot who she was, and denied who he was. He didn't divorce her. He didn't leave.

The Bride of Christ fled his side, and went back to their old ways of life. When Jesus came to them after the resurrection, the church was about the very thing they were doing when Jesus found them in the first place: out on the boats with their nets. Jesus didn't leave. He stood by his words, stood by his Bride, even to the Place of the Skull, and beyond.

Keep in mind here that the "Bride" doesn't refer to the wife in today's marriage, but to Mankind. In the same way that Jesus accepted His responsibility to protect his Bride (The Church) even to the point of taking her punishment on Himself, both parties in a marriage should see themselves as the never-leaving, refusing-to-give-up, to-the-death protector of their spouse.


The bible tells us that a "husband must love his wife as Christ loved the Church." (Ephesians 5:25) Does this mean that a wife is less expected to love her husband sacrificially? I don't think so. Paul was writing to a totally male-directed culture, so he emphasized the then-leader of the household should change his current attitude of ownership to that of sacrificial love. 


Both partners must be willing to lay down their lives for the other in a conventional Christian marriage. We should be willing to love each other "as" Christ loved His Bride. "As" here has multiple meanings. I means "in the same way as," "to the same degree that," "as far as," and "to the death like." 


And, while I see a few marriage relationships that go that far, I see way too many that wouldn't even consider laying down their "life" for their mate. Their "life" here meaning their own selfish demands, their own interests, their own desires, their own comfort, or even their own opinions! If a husband or wife can't gracefully say to their partner, "OK, Honey, whatever you want, I'll go happily along with," how can they expect to stand strong together through all the bitter attacks marriages face these days? And, if each is respecting the other, discussions will settle honest differences of opinion about issues that matter. (Or mediation will, as a last resort to peace.)


You and I, as spouses, must be willing to "take up our cross" for our spouses, putting their needs above our own comfort or even survival. We must be willing to die - literally and figuratively - for our sworn partner-for-life. If my wife cannot trust me in the little things, how can she trust me in the big things like fidelity?


Another thing Jesus said applies to us spouses, too. "You should be Perfect, just like your Father in Heaven is perfect." (Matthew 5:48). "B-b-but that's impossible! No one is perfect!" you cry. Jesus knew that better than you or I do! But He was giving us a goal to aim for when He said to be perfect. Just as a good coach will say, "Go out there and win this game," knowing that his underdog team has little hope of  winning, so Jesus was telling us husbands, wives, and parents, "Go out there and give it your 100% best try. If you don't beat them, at least let them know they met a team who was giving it their best."


Whether you are a Christian or not, you owe it to your spouse to give your all; to never just half-way love them; to pour yourself out for them. You promised. You swore before God, your family, and your friends that you would do your best to be Perfect, that you would love your spouse, "as Christ loved the Church."


You have it in you to be a "perfect spouse." You have it in you to amaze your friends and family with how strong and true you are. You have it in you to teach your children, through your example, how they should live their own marriages and how they should parent their own children. Dig down and pull that determination up. If you need help, I'm here. But I know you can do it!


God bless your whole family!


STEPcoach Bob Collins
If you have questions about any of the Christian concepts or "code words" in this post, I'll be happy to discuss them, or explain them to you.
[the original article by Russell D. Moore is at http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2011/septemberweb-only/robertson-alzheimers-divorce.html]

Summer Short-Shorts

Saw much more than I wanted to again this morning of a young lady as I was heading into my favorite family restaurant. I wondered if they were switching to Hooters or the Playboy club, but no, it was just a girl going out for breakfast during the Summer. Her tiny shorts were more like a bathing suit bottom than short pants!


And I thought again, "Does her dad have any idea she's flashing his daughter around like that?" He may, or he may not care. The "standards" today are almost non-existent.


And before you start calling me a prude, think how our new standards are affecting life in the US. Rape, physical assault, and attitudes about what's normal have been changed immensely in just the last 20 years. Just one generation ago, prostitutes weren't allowed to wear in public what our precious children now wear to the mall, restaurants, or even church!


When parents stop caring how provocatively their children dress or what their children consider "decent," their children will go as far as they can ... then allow their children to go even further. That's your grandkids I'm talking about now!


"B-b-but," you stammer, "what can I do about it? She's practically a grown woman! I don't have any right to criticize her, do I?"

In Deuteronomy 4:9, we're instructed, "Be careful never to forget what you yourself have seen. Do not let these memories escape from your mind as long as you live! And be sure to pass them on to your children and grandchildren."

In other words, you are to tell your kids what you've learned about the results of being too loose and unconcerned about your body, morals, or reputation. You, yourself will suffer from how your children display themselves in public, because anyone who sees your daughter running around nearly naked is going to place most of the blame on you for the way you brought her up and what you didn't teach her. You will be judged by how you have raised your kids ... you know that. You feel it every time your kids throw a fit in public and everyone's eyes swing from the kids to you.


Then, there's the repercussions on the kids, themselves (and your grandchildren, too). Jeremiah 5:7-10 says: 

"How can I pardon you? For even your children have turned from me. They have sworn by gods that are not gods at all! I fed my people until they were full. But they thanked me by committing adultery and lining up at the brothels.  

8 They are well-fed, lusty stallions, each neighing for his neighbor’s wife.

9 Should I not punish them for this?” says the LORD. “Should I not avenge myself against such a nation?

10 “Go down the rows of the vineyards and destroy the grapevines, leaving a scattered few alive. Strip the branches from the vines, for these people do not belong to the LORD"

Wow! What a clear picture of our kids today! They've been given everything, but they've turned their backs on everything we know and should have taught them to respect! "Well-fed, lusty stallions" indeed! Doesn't that sound like the boys strutting around demanding respect they've not earned?


And then God almost cries out His frustration over how our kids act (and don't you feel it, too?) "Shouldn't I punish them for acting out so badly?"


Don't you owe it to your kids to warn them what they're doing to you and themselves and to their children? Whose responsibility is it to teach them right from wrong, if not yours? And who will have to deal with the results of their falling away from the standards that helped raise them? 


One last point: The time to teach your adult children right from wrong is Now. Proverbs 22:6 says

"Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."

Start with your preschool kids, teaching them modesty. Continue into elementary and middle school, guiding them to wear decent clothes, not the latest fads that try to turn little girls into adults too soon. And keep after them as teens to act in a way they will be proud to look back on as they grow up. 


Whether they're your biological or your stepkids, you are the ones responsible to demonstrate a good example. As a stepdad, I wasn't directly held responsible for how my stepdaughter looked and acted, but I had the opportunity to guide her toward how she should act and what she should expect from boys she dated.


If it's tough - it's just part of parenting and stepparenting. But you'll be proud of them later on when they continue to live the way you've taught them.


God bless y'all!


STEPcoach, Bob Collins

How will American Christians Cope?

I get emails and newsletters every day, speculating about the collapse of the American economy and what it will mean to us, as Christians, as our civil and religious freedoms are taken away. We've seen the 10 Commandments removed from public; God, Jesus, the Bible, and Christianity in history verboten in schools; Cursing Jesus' name is OK, but praising it is ridiculed or forbidden; evolution the new state religion; constitutional foundations cast aside as old fashioned ... on and on and on. What does all this mean to us, to individual Christians and to our children and our families?

I can tell you exactly what it all means to us - relatively little! People, of all the  American citizens, WE have the least to be concerned about. Why? Because we have been through all this and much worse before! Time and time again!

We like to ignore history because it's hard to keep up with, and it's uncomfortable to think of how things have been before. I don't know about your (step)children, but for mine getting her interested in history was like trying to feed her spinach! But if you push your children (and yourself) to take a bit of time to look back, you'll be very encouraged by what you see ... eventually.

Just after Jesus' resurrection and ascension, the brand new baby church was almost snuffed out by the current general public. Civil religious rights? How about being shunned by businesses and government services? How about a school system that taught our kids to actually worship idols? How about being hustled out of our beds and homes in the middle of the night to be dragged into mock courts where we were charged with everything under the sun, found guilty without representation or recourse? How about having your family taken from you and probably tortured and killed? How about being the entertainment for a blood thirsty mob as you are murdered publicly in cruel and imaginative ways?

In the Dark Ages, we true Christians even had these things done to us by "The Church." If we refused to accept the world government's twisted version of Christianity, the very religion (in name) that we followed would jail, torture, or kill us!

Even following the Great Enlightening and the Reformation, which broke the monopoly of the false Catholic church, we were subject to the nearest king's warped ideas of how we should worship, pray, or even believe. When we finally got miraculous freedom to worship publicly and we gained some influence over our own lives here in this new experiment of America, we saw enemies confront us on every front.

Despite political challenges, evolution, and a slowly eroding government, we have been able to relax into our illusion of security, forgetting where we have been and what we have come through to get here. We have found it easy and comfortable to think we have permanent home here in this world, when Jesus Himself regularly reminded us that we are strangers in a hostile land. We used to sing songs that were to serve as reminders: This World Is Not My Home, I'm only passing through, among others. But history is just to pesky to remember. And we've let ourselves and our children get lazy and complacent about our real position in a lost world.

And so, here we are again, about to be shaken from our reverie and woken to the harsh reality that we are Christians in a lost world. We may lose our temporary liberties to exercise our beliefs freely and openly. We may lose the right to worship at the corner church or promote our convictions in elections or wear t-shirts or bumper stickers that shout our ideals to the world. And we may feel really, really put upon and downtrodden and persecuted. And we may in fact be outlawed.

But, whatever else we lose, whatever else is taken away from us (or pried from our cold, dead fingers), Christians - true Christians will never lose our faith. Just as school boards may insist on no prayer in schools, but our kids can still pray silently whenever they want, in the same way we, their parents, can never be stopped from believing in our hearts that Jesus Christ is the way, the truth, and the life. We may have to use codes, as some of our ancestors did in Ireland or Poland, but we will still be able to encourage each other. We may meet in back rooms and basements, but we will still pray and praise together.

So my idea of preparing for hard times is not to stockpile gold or bonds. Rather I'm concentrating on increasing my dependence on God's providence, my familiarity with scriptures, and leading my family into a greater understanding of those Words of life. I know that, no matter what happens with the government, the economy, the ecology, the world community, or even the New World Order, my God will still answer prayer, He will still watch over His children, and He will provide for His own.

If we only survive a few years or months or weeks as fugitives and secret worshipers, we will leave others behind who know the truth and who know how to share it. And we will still have a wonderful, perfect future to look forward to in Heaven, then the New Earth with our God and our family. And it will be unimaginably better than anything we have had here, in America, over the last couple of centuries.

So, bring it on world, and Come Lord Jesus, Come!

STEPcoach (and Christian!) Bob Collins

Empty Bird Cages

This is about the clearest, most fitting description of Christian salvation I've ever seen. Please read it and let me know if you "get it," agree, disagree, or even have your own "bird cage" story to share.

God bless y'all!
---- ---- ---- ----

GOD’S GRACE

There once was a man named George Thomas, pastor in a small New England town. One Easter Sunday morning he came to the Church carrying a rusty, bent, old bird cage, and set it by the pulpit.

Eyebrows were raised and, as if in response, Pastor Thomas began to speak....
 
"I was walking through town yesterday when I saw a young boy coming toward me swinging this bird cage. On the bottom of the cage were three little wild birds, shivering with cold and fright.

 I stopped the lad and asked, "What do you have there, son?"

"Just some old birds," he replied.

"What are you going to do with them?" I asked.
"Take 'em home and have fun with'em," he answered. "I'm gonna tease'em and pull out their feathers to make'em fight. I'm gonna have a real good time."

 "But you'll get tired of those birds sooner or later. What will you do then?"

"Oh, I got some cats," said the little boy. "They like birds. I'll take'em to them."

The pastor was silent for a moment. "How much do you want for those birds, son?"

"Huh?? !!! Why, you don't want them birds, mister. They're just plain old field birds. They don't sing. They ain't even pretty!"

"How much?" the pastor asked again.
The boy sized up the pastor as if he were crazy and said, "$10?"
 
The pastor reached in his pocket and took out a ten dollar bill. He placed it in the boy's hand. In a flash, the boy was gone. The pastor picked up the cage and gently carried it to the end of the alley where there was a tree and a grassy spot. Setting the cage down, he opened the door, and by softly tapping the bars persuaded the birds out, setting them free. Well, that explained the empty bird cage on the pulpit, and then the pastor began to tell this story:

One day Satan and Jesus were having a conversation. Satan had just come from the Garden of Eden,
and he was gloating and boasting. "Yes, sir, I just caught a world full of people down there. Set me a trap,
used bait I knew they couldn't resist. Got 'em all!"

"What are you going to do with them?" Jesus asked.
 
Satan replied, "Oh, I'm gonna have fun! I'm gonna teach them how to marry and divorce each other, how to hate and abuse each other, how to drink and smoke and curse. I'm gonna teach them how to invent guns and bombs and kill each other. I'm really gonna have fun!"

 "And what will you do when you are done with them?" Jesus asked.
 
"Oh, I'll kill 'em," Satan glared proudly.

"How much do you want for them?" Jesus asked.

"Oh, you don't want those people. They ain't no good. Why, you'll take them and they'll just hate you. They'll spit on you, curse you and kill you. You don't want those people!!"

"How much? He asked again.
 
Satan looked at Jesus and sneered, "All your blood, tears and your life."

Jesus said, "DONE!" Then He paid the price.

The pastor picked up the cage and walked from the pulpit.
__._,_.___

Different Take on the "Christmas" Battles

Letter from Jesus about Christmas --

It has come to my attention that many of you are upset that folks are taking My name out of the season.

How I personally feel about this celebration can probably be most easily understood by those of you who have been blessed with children of your own. I don't care what you call the day. If you want to celebrate My birth, just GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

Now, having said that let Me go on. If it bothers you that the town in which you live doesn't allow a scene depicting My birth, then just get rid of a couple of Santas and snowmen and put in a small Nativity scene on your own front lawn. If all My followers did that there wouldn't be any need for such a scene on the town square because there would be many of them all around town.

Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling the tree a holiday tree, instead of a Christmas tree. It was I who made all trees. You can remember Me anytime you see any tree. Decorate a grape vine if you wish: I actually spoke of that one in a teaching, explaining who I am in relation to you and what each of our tasks were. If you have forgotten that one, look up John 15: 1 - 8.

If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of My birth here is my wish list. Choose something from it:

1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way My birthday is being celebrated, write letters of love and hope to soldiers away from home. They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year. I know, they tell Me all the time.

2. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don't have to know them personally. They just need to know that someone cares about them.

3. Instead of writing the President complaining about the wording on the cards his staff sent out this year, why don't you write and tell him that you'll be praying for him and his family this year. Then follow up... It will be nice hearing from you again.

4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can't afford and they don't need, spend time with them. Tell them the story of My birth, and why I came to live with you down here. Hold them in your arms and remind them that I love them.

5 Pick someone that has hurt you in the past and forgive him or her.

6.. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt to take their own life this season because they feel so alone and hopeless? Since you don't know who that person is, try giving everyone you meet a warm smile; it could make the difference.

7. Instead of nit picking about what the retailer in your town calls the holiday, be patient with the people who work there. Give them a warm smile and a kind word. Even if they aren't allowed to wish you a "Merry Christmas" that doesn't keep you from wishing them one. Then stop shopping there on Sunday. If the store didn't make so much money on that day they'd close and let their employees spend the day at home with their families

8. If you really want to make a difference, support a missionary-- especially one who takes My love and Good News to those who have never heard My name.

9. Here's a good one. There are individuals and whole families in your town who not only will have no "Christmas" tree, but neither will they have any presents to give or receive. If you don't know them, buy some food and a few gifts and give them to the Salvation Army or some other charity which believes in Me and they will make the delivery for you.

10. Finally, if you want to make a statement about your belief in and loyalty to Me, then behave like a Christian.. Don't do things in secret that you wouldn't do in My presence. Let people know by your actions that you are one of mine.

Don't forget; I am God and can take care of Myself. Just love Me and do what I have told you to do. I'll take care of all the rest. Check out the list above and get to work; time is short. I'll help you, but the ball is now in your court. And do have a most blessed Christmas with all those whom you love and remember :

I LOVE YOU,

JESUS

Stepparenting Made Easy - in 3 Simple Steps

I've been teaching my stepfamily clients for over a decade now that, "stepparenting isn't nearly as hard as most steppers make it!" What I mean is, all you have to do to be a successful stepparent is to love your spouse and their kids unconditionally, consistently, and more than yourself. That's our simple marching orders from out Leader: "love your 'neighbor' as yourself," love never fails, and "consider others more important than yourself." (Those are in the Bible: Matthew 22:39, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, and Philippians 2:3-8)

Now what does that mean in a real life, stepfamily, situation? We (remember, I'm a stepparent, too) are to completely open our hearts to this new family, "warts and all." And we are to place their needs before our own. BUT we are not to take over and try to re-create them in our own idea of a perfect family. If your new husband had no legs when you married him, you made a contract to love him as he is. You don't begin insisting he walk! And if he's a (particular sort) of father to his kids, you might lovingly make helpful suggestions once or twice (any more than that is nagging!), but how he raises his kids is his business.

You and I signed on as a spouse, not as a co-parent. God in His infinite and sometimes-really-hard-to-understand wisdom chose the biological parents of your stepkids. We may never know why in this life but He selected the ones He felt were right for the job. ... and it was NOT you or me. We get the *privilege* of being a blessing to them, but we ain't their mama or daddy! We are allowed to contribute input and assistance from time to time when the bio-parent requests it, but only then.

NOTES:
1) your stepkids have bio-parents (BPs) already
2) we are not them
3) but we can be invited to help by BPs

This is how our job becomes much, much (much) easier than most of us make it. We are not responsible for how these children turn out. …
We are not responsible for how these children turn out.
(say it with me ...)
We are not responsible for how these children turn out.
We are not responsible for how these children turn out.
That job has already been Assigned to others.

Our job is to love our spouse and their children no matter what they say, or do, or vomit out of their precious little mouths at us. Love them. Period.

"Think of them more highly than ourselves" means, don't despair of their abilities to raise their own children. For some reason they were Picked to raise these kids. We are the special dessert they get just for choosing us! We are not the main dish in the meal. If you see your spouse doing something stupid in raising their child, gently, respectfully suggest another way to them. If they take your advice, you have bragging rights forever (no, not really, be humble!); if they ignore you, it's their right. Just like it's your right to ignore outsiders who tell you how to raise your kids.

"Outsiders!!!" Yes, we're outsiders to this family. We have been invited in by one part of the family (spouse) and are a part of him/her, but we DID NOT marry the whole family. They have already established their habits, their quirks, and their oddities long before we came along. It is high minded and rude of us to assume that we need to change them, no matter how "wrong" their ways look to us (the invited outsiders).

THEREFORE...

Life as a stepparent can be so very much easier to bear if we will keep in mind that our job is just to love them no matter what. Our job is NOT to fix them or change them or re-create them.

Step back. Sit down. Take a deeeeep breath. Let it out. Take another deeeep breath. Let it out. Relax into just loving them. If they act like a zoo full of monkeys, well, then get a bag of popcorn and enjoy your front row seat! Sometimes monkeys is monkeys. You can put hats on them and teach them to play the banjo, but they still are just cute, lovable, fun-to-be-around monkeys.

You'll give yourself a sprain if you keep trying to make them conform to your ideas of what they should be like.

Stepparenting is really quite easy, IF YOU DO IT RIGHT.

Love, joy, and peace
STEPcoach Bob Collins

Just Breathe

• Some days you just need to concentrate on breathing. When the demands get too many & the load gets to heavy, just breathe.
• When the stepkids are getting to you; when your mate is frustrating you; when it's too much. close your eyes, relax, and just breathe.
• Everything doesn't have to be perfect. Everything doesn't have to be immediate. Everything can pause occasionally.

Breathing is terribly underrated. As basic as it gets, and yet so very vital. Focus on breathing in, then out. Just breathe for a bit.

• Far too often, we ALLOW the world and demands on us to determine our pace. CHOOSE to slow down. Just breathe.
• If you don't set a manageable pace, you will run out of breath before the end. Slow down and do things right. Just breathe.
• Rushing around does NOT get more accomplished. It just confuses your soul. Focus on one thing at a time. Just breathe.
• Life was never meant to be so damaging to your soul. God promises to lift your burden if you ask. Just breathe.

"Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden I give you is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

What Did You Do?

Watched an interesting TV show this week: "What Would You Do?" in which hidden cameras observe man-on-the-street reactions to moral dilemmas. The idea of the show is to catch people either being good or being bad.

The producers provide tricky questions such as what would you do if you saw a man doping a woman's drink, or someone cutting in line at the grocery store ... only to win a prize for being the 5 millionth customer, or if you received an email by mistake that foretold your boss's being fired ... just when boss is buying expensive house.

The show is kind of fun as you watch some folks turn their heads and ignore others' problems, kind of uplifting as you watch others jump in and help, and kind of uncomfortable as you think about what you would honestly do in that same situation.

But it got me thinking that the show is probably pretty accurate regarding our own life review. It's something to consider, whether you believe (as I do) in a Heavenly debriefing in which we get to review our life's taken or missed opportunities, or if you just accept that someday you'll be an old geezer, sitting in a nursing home reliving your memories. Either way, what you do now will affect your future.

If nothing else, your reaction to others' problems teaches your children a lot. They watch you either ignore or reach out to help someone in trouble and they learn that you are honest about what you tell them they ought to do. They then model their actions after what they observe in you.

Watch the show sometime. Then apply the premise to your own life occasionally. Try to visualize how your reaction will look to someone else, or to yourself in a few years as you review it.

Everything you do (or don't do) has consequences. Your actions and words affect others. You have the power of life and death in your tongue, the Bible says. And your children's faces reflect the impact you make on their hearts.

BC

Get Over It!

In twenty years, most of the petty demands you're making will seem childish and selfish. Do your future self and your children a favor and get over it.

By demanding everything exactly the way you want it, you are setting yourself (and all who love you) up to be constantly disappointed and frustrated, i.e. unhappy.

Why is this so hard? Jesus clearly pointed out that it is easier to be forgiving and nice than to be demanding and mean. Do you just not believe Him, or do you think yours is a better way? To quote that guy on TV, "How's that workin' for ya?"

Just forgive. Let it go. Accept an apology when it's offered - and assume an apology when it's not offered. Or just let-it-go. Do you honestly have so few real needs in your busy life that you have time to throw away on sulking and rehashing your whines?

Love God ( = obey His directions) and love your neighbor (duh! that's the person nearest you, too!). Forgive. Get over it!

STEPcoach

What's In Your Sidecar?

Saw something really impressive today - and I'm fairly difficult to impress. I was driving through a parking lot and noticed a neat looking bright canary yellow motorcycle with a matching bright yellow side car attached.

Now sidecars aren't in great abundance around here, so I lowed down and took a longer look as the rider pulled into a parking spot just ahead of me.

Inside the sidecar was - are you ready? - a wheelchair! I thought, surely not. But sure enough, after he shut off the engine, the rider lifted the wheelchair out of the sidecar and climbed into it, then wheeled himself across the parking lot.

Wow.

I sat there for another minute or two thinking about what I'd seen. Here was a guy who could have sat at home, complaining about his disability and waiting for his life to change or for someone to carry him around, or he could have even taken the safer, more traditional path of a specially equipped auto. But instead, he chose to move beyond his "limitations" and live life the way he wanted to.

Quite a lesson to those of us battling against our own demons of disability or family conflicts, huh?

What are you choosing to do about your difficulties? Fold or play?

"Don't worry about anything, but in all your prayers ask God for what you need, always asking him with a thankful heart. And the peace of God, which is far beyond human understanding, will keep your heart and mind safe in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6, 7)

Meaning of the 12 Days of Christmas

What in the world do leaping lords, French hens, swimming swans, and especially the partridge who won't come out of the pear tree have to do with Christmas?

During much of the british invasion and hostile occupation, Roman Catholics in Ireland were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Loyal church fathers during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics.

It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember.

As you share the Christmas holidays with your (step)children, and as you sing this popular "secular" carol, you can remind your kids that Christmas originated as a holy-day to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ and His gifts to the world. The song also serves to remind us that these aren't the first days we Christians have faced persecution for believing in our God.

Here's an interpretation of the secret code words of this very special song:

- The "true Love" referred to is Jesus Christ ("God is Love")

-The partridge in a pear tree also was Jesus Christ - a dove (bird) hung on a tree (cross)

-Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments - doves, here, representing God's Word to mankind

-Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love - the "F" in French and Faith being a mnemonic to aid memory

-The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John - actually, this was originally four "coley" birds (or black birds) who have a loud voice which carries throughout the land

-The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament - the golden truths given by God to man

-The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation - laying = birth, or new life

-Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit--Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership and Mercy - another mnemonic: "S" for Seven Swans and Spirit

-The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes - young maidens were considered beautiful and blessings

-Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit--Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-Control - dancing represented joy of receiving the fruits

-The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments - members of the house of lords made most of the laws of the land

-The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples - pipers being part of an ensemble that delivered music to the world

-The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles' Creed - which was often learned in a chanting style, "drumming"

Merry CHRISTmas to you and your whole, wonderful family.

Love each other extra this next few weeks!

Take Control This Season!

Feel it? The tension is ratcheting up as we near Christmas and the festive season of demands, expectations, custody swaps, conflicting schedules, and hopelessly gnarled traditions.

If you're feeling in-over-your-head, welcome to the stepfamily club! It doesn't mean you're a bad person or incompetent - it just means you're in a stepfamily. It's part of the process of growing into a real live family. This process, by the way, takes from FOUR to SEVEN YEARS.

You can survive and actually succeed if you'll keep a few vital points in mind:

1) YOU are in absolute control of yourself. No one can "make" you mad. They can annoy you, they can disrespect you, they can ignore you, but YOU decide how you will react. You also (with practice) can control how you feel about someone else's actions or attitude toward you.

2) You can only control yourself, so don't waste your time and energy (your life) fretting about how others act. Yes, you have a responsibility to raise your own biological children, but if you think you can control someone else's children you're in for a lot of frustration. That includes your neighbor's kids, the kids at the mall, those kids on TV ... or your spouse's kids.

3) Ask yourself whether your angry reaction will harm or protect a valued relationship. C-H-O-O-S-E how you react. In fact, try to act the way you want, rather than to RE-act based on others' words or deeds (or rolled eyes). If you just react to a provocation, you lose control of your life ... and give it to them.

4) BEWARE! Tomorrow will come around, and you will have to live with what you said and did today. Take a long viewpoint of your family relationships. Remember, you signed up for the long run ("till death do you part"!), so one bad day or week or season isn't the whole ball of wax. Someday the kids will be grown and you will have the honeymoon you dreamed of.

5) Stepparents who stick through tough times, who resist the urge to run away are HEROES! A hero is someone who goes above and beyond the call of duty; NOT someone who sits in the barracks during easy times. A hero has to have endured hardships in order to be a hero. So, if your life if tough, and if you can keep going, you can hold you head high and know you are a hero.

6) Love is not an on/off proposition. If you love someone, you love them always. You may ease out of that "in love" mystic feeling, but love goes on forever.
Just because you've heard it before doesn't make it any less true:

Love (real love, the kind that can make a stepfamily survive and succeed):

• is patient
• is kind
• does not envy
• does not boast
• is not proud
• is not rude
• is not self-seeking
• is not easily angered
• keeps no record of wrongs
• does not delight in evil
• rejoices with the truth
• always protects
• always trusts
• always hopes
• always perseveres

1Cor. 13:4-7

email me if any of this seems too hard or too confusing or if you need more help.

STEPcoach
step@stepcarefully.com

Holiday Quote fun ...

Some good quotes to share at family gatherings ... or to write on gift tags ... or in Christmas cards:

These first few are by Pope John Paul II:
• "As the family goes, so goes the nation and so goes the whole world in which we live."
• "Do not abandon yourselves to despair. We are the Easter people and hallelujah is our song." (I love that one!)
• "Love is never defeated, and I could add, the history of Ireland proves it."
• "Stupidity is also a gift of God, but one mustn't misuse it. " (Ha!)

And some various others to enjoy and share:
• "Be happy while you're living, For you're a long time dead." An Irish proverb
• "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home." A frightened parent
• "It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop than with a brawling woman in a large house." Proverbs 21:9
• "Be true to your work, your word, and your friend." Henry David Thoreau
• "Beauty without grace is the hook without the bait." Ralph Waldo Emerson
• "Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot." American proverb
• "Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife." Proverbs 17:1
• "Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?" Abraham Lincoln
• "A good conscience is a continual Christmas." Benjamin Franklin

What does "Love" look like?

An article in National Geographic several years ago provided an interesting picture of how we're loved. After a forest fire in Yellowstone National Park, forest rangers began their trek up a mountain to assess the inferno's damage.

One ranger found a bird literally petrified in ashes, perched statuesquely on the ground at the base of a tree. Somewhat sickened by the eerie sight, he knocked over the bird with a stick.

When he gently struck it, three tiny chicks scurried from under their dead mother's wings.

The loving mother, keenly aware of impending disaster, had carried her offspring to the base of the tree and had gathered them under her wings, instinctively knowing that the toxic smoke would rise. She could have flown to safety but had refused to abandon her babies. Then the blaze had arrived and the heat had scorched her small body. The mother had remained steadfast. She had been willing to die, so those under the cover of her wings would live.

"God will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge." (Psalm 91:4)

Being loved this much should make a difference in your life. Remember the One who loves you. You are never alone. Never.

Christmas Blessing

(Just in case you might need a suggestion for that Christmas dinner prayer. BC)

When He came to us as man,
the Son of God scattered the darkness of this world,
and filled this holy night (day) with His glory.
May the God of inifinite goodness
scatter the darkness of sin
and brighten your hearts with holiness.

(Optional response) Amen!

God sent His angels to shepherds
to herald the great joy of our Saviour's birth.
May He fill you with joy
and make you heralds of His gospel.

(Optional response) Amen!

When the Word became man,
earth was joined to heaven.
May He give you His peace and good will,
and fellowship with all the heavenly host.

(Optional response) Amen!

May almighty God bless you,
the Father, and the Son, + and the Holy Spirit.

(Optional response) Amen!

Re: Loving your Ex - backlash!

So, I posted the article about loving others (here) last week, and I'm getting some backlash about it. Which doesn't really surprise me. Whenever you suggest that it's OK to love your mean ol' ex-spouse (or others) you can expect to take some flak. I mean, even Jesus, who started the whole "pray for those who curse you" thing was attacked for it, right?!

I was asked, (quite loudly, BTW) "Are you saying I should love the man who abused me for so many years and is turning my kids against me!?" Well, yes. That's exactly what He means.

"But I can't do that! I can't even stand to look at him! I despise him!"

But, as some point, you loved him, right? At some point, you stood before God and witnesses and swore to love him "til death do you part" right? You promised him, them, Him, your kids, and yourself, right?

"But he's not the same person I married so long ago! He changed into a horrible person I don't even recognize."

Well, his personality changed (did it really? or did he just stop hiding it?), his actions changed, his words changed, but HE is the same person you vowed to love forever. If your child becomes a wild, rabid teenager some day, will you stop loving him or her, too? If your parent develops Alzheimer's and their personality completely changes someday, will you stop loving them, too? I hope not.

God told us that His love is eternal. He promises to love us even if we turn against him (see the story of the prodigal son in the Bible, in Luke, chapter 15). And He asks us to do the same for others:
* This is my command: Love each other. John 15:17
* Bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. ... love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Luke 6:28,35
* 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'Matthew 22:39

For Christians, these aren't suggestions, but marching orders from our General, our Lord. He also pointed out a reason for this order:
* "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13: 35
As Christians (literally, followers of Christ), we should look different; we should stand out in a crowd; we should behave/speak/LOVE differently than is expected by those outside the Family. Because we are to be an example to them of the Peace we have through Christ's Spirit and His salvation.

If we're not different from the outsiders, what's the point of faith in Christ? We follow Him because of the blessings and comfort and support we get from Him, as well as our gratefulness for His gift of salvation, right?

To the dear lady who insisted she could not love her ex - I agree. You, alone, in your own strength, cannot do this hard thing. But Christ in you, through his Spirit and the gift you received at salvation (see Galatians 5: 22, 23 for a list of the fruits - or gifts - of the Spirit which each person receives on accepting salvation from Jesus), Christ in you CAN do that. If you lean on your own strength, you will fall. Period. You must tap into that Grace and strength that you get from Him. Let him lead you to forgiveness so you can heal.

BC

A Great Man's Celebration video

Billy Graham will celebrate his 90th birthday on November 7. He is in my opinion the greatest evangelist of the 20th & 21st centuries, and one of the greatest men to ever live. Please view this short video.



[Here's my birthday message to Dr. Billy Graham]: Today I lead a 5,000+ member ministry for stepfamilies around the world via the Internet. This began at age 9 when I accepted Dr. Graham's invitation to accept Christ as my Lord. Billy was on TV; I was in my parents' living room, lying under the coffee table, on our cool wood floor. I remember clearly how "Just As I Am" seemed to pierce my heart; how I cried; and how my dear mother prayed with me, directing me to a new life in Christ.
God bless you, Billy Graham. I love you dearly, my brother and friend in Christ.
Our ministry is located at http://www.stepcarefully.com

Who - or What Do You Love?

Love - real, true, honest-to-goodness love - never ends. It can't. Well, it can't if you love a person. If you love a person, you love them no matter what they say or do ... or how they change.

I hear so many divorcing couples say they stopped loving their spouse, or their spouse stopped loving them. And, if I have the time and inclination (and patience) I ask them what they mean. How does that happen? What in them has changed to cause their original conviction and loyalty to just quit?

Of course, most tell me that it wasn't they who changed, but their soon-to-be ex who changed from the person they "fell in love with" into a different kind of person whom they didn't like or care for or love. Their love, they tell me, just died.

But, I counter, love never dies; it goes on forever no matter how differently the other person may act. I ask them, "So, did you love that person, or were you just attracted to the way they acted or spoke or smelled?" Which is generally met with dead silence and blank stares. Which actually is answer enough.

So, I ask you: do you still love those whom you have claimed to love before? Do you really believe that love - real, true, honest-to-goodness love - never dies? Or do you believe it is dependent on how you are spoken to, or treated, or acted towards?

And if it is conditional on actions, do you love - really, truly, honest-to-goodness love - your children, say, when they are acting out, or when they say "I hate you!," or when they turn their backs on you for someone else?
"But wait," you say, "that's different. He's my child. It's different."

Oh? what kind of love do you feel for your child that you did not feel for his father or mother, your ex? Loyalty? Protectiveness? Deep in your heart concern and tenderness? Well, there you go. If you never felt any of those for your ex, then, in my humble opinion, you never loved them. You were, as the Wise Ones say, only "in love." and that is a whole other animal from Love.

"Well," you might demand, "just what do you think Love is, then?"
Far be it from me to try to define anything so elemental as Love. I am but a man who is shaped by his past, his chemistry, and his emotions, just like you. But I do know where to find definitions for those sort of Big Questions:

"Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails."

Any other definition - or opinion or attitude - about Love is based on chemistry and past illusions or disillusions. If you have ever loved someone - really, truly, honest-to-goodness loved someone - then you still care for them. You still love them. You may have, for some very good reason or another, moved on to another relationship. But that love is still there, in your heart and your memory. To deny it, either out of a perceived loyalty to a new love or out of belief that's what you're supposed to do, to deny it is wrong and damaging to you and everyone else you love.

Because, if you can convince yourself that you can dismiss love - real, true, honest-to-goodness love - for one person, then you begin to expect that you can dismiss love for someone else. And you begin to expect them to do the same to you.

It is NOT wrong to still love the father or mother of your children. In fact, for your children's sake you should still love their other parent. Does that make you disloyal to your current spouse? Don't be silly. Does it make you disloyal to your other spouse if you still love your mother or your father or your children? Of course not. Any spouse who tries to tell you that you should love only him or her is selfish and their love for you is seriously questionable.

As an adult, you have the ability to understand the human heart's capacity for love. You have the mental faculties to understand that you can, for example, love one child with your whole heart, and another child just as completely, and still another child totally, too. The human heart (as we call our love-center) was Designed to be able to expand to the maximum we ask of it.

"Love - real, true, honest-to-goodness love - never fails." It just grows to take in more people in your life. Only you can choose to give up on love. And when you do, you cheat yourself, your children, and everyone in your life.

Love one another.

But I've no Hairbrush!

A dear friend sent this to me and I share it with you. How many times have you felt like you should do something, but were reluctant or embarrassed or too timid to do it. This puts a whole new slant on those times.

(For those of you who are not Christians, please read this and get a glimpse at how difficult being a Christ follower can be sometimes!)

--------------
This is by Beth Moore, an outstanding Bible teacher, writer of Bible studies, and is a married mother of two daughters. This is one of her experiences:

April 20, 2005, at the Airport in Knoxville , waiting to board the plane, I had the Bible on my lap and was very intent upon what I was doing. I'd had a marvelous morning with the Lord. I say this because I want to tell you it is a scary thing to have the Spirit of God really working in you.
You could end up doing some things you never would have done otherwise. Life in the Spirit can be dangerous for a thousand reasons not the least of which is your ego.

I tried to keep from staring, but he was such a strange sight. Humped over in a wheelchair, he was skin and bones, dressed in clothes that obviously fit when he was at least twenty pounds heavier. His knees protruded from his trousers, and his shoulders looked like the coat hanger was still in his shirt. His hands looked like tangled masses of veins and bones.

The strangest part of him was his hair and nails. Stringy, gray hair hung well over his shoulders and down part of his back. His fingernails were long, clean but strangely out of place on an old man.

I looked down at my Bible as fast as I could, discomfort burning my face. There I sat; trying to concentrate on the Word to keep from being concerned about a thin slice of humanity served up on a wheelchair only a few seats from me. All the while, my heart was growing more and more overwhelmed with a feeling for him. Let's admit it. Curiosity is a heap more comfortable than true concern, and suddenly I was awash with aching emotion for this bizarre-looking old man.
I had walked with God long enough to see the handwriting on the wall. I've learned that when I begin to feel what God feels, something so contrary to my natural feelings, something dramatic is bound to happen. And it may be embarrassing.

There I sat in the blue vinyl chair begging His Highness, 'Please don't make me witness to this man. Not now. I'll do it on the plane.' Then I heard it....'I don't want you to witness to him. I want you to brush his hair.'

The words were so clear, my heart leap into my throat, and my thoughts spun like a top. Do I witness to the man or brush his hair? No-brainier. I looked straight back up at the ceiling and said, 'God, as I live and breathe, I want you to know I am ready to witness to this man. I'm on this Lord. I'm your girl! You've never seen a woman witness to a man faster in your life. What difference does it make if his hair is a mess if he is not redeemed? I am going to witness to this man.'

Again as clearly as I've ever heard an audible word, God seemed to write this statement across the wall of my mind. 'That is not what I said, Beth. I don't want you to witness to him. I want you to go brush his hair.'

I looked up at God and quipped, 'I don't have a hairbrush. It's in my suitcase on the plane. How am I supposed to brush his hair without a hairbrush?' God was so insistent that I almost involuntarily began to walk toward him as these thoughts came to me from God's word: 'I will thoroughly furnish you unto all good works.' 
(2 Timothy 3:17)

I stumbled over to the wheelchair thinking I could use one myself. Even as I retell this story, my pulse quickens and I feel those same butterflies. I knelt down in front of the man and asked as demurely as possible, 'Sir, may I have the pleasure of brushing your hair?'

He looked back at me and said, 'What did you say?'
'May I have the pleasure of brushing your hair?'

To which he responded in volume ten, 'Little lady, if you expect me to hear you, you're going to have to talk louder than that.'
At this point, I took a deep breath and blurted out, 'SIR, MAY I HAVE THE PLEASURE OF BRUSHING YOUR HAIR?' At which point every eye in the place darted right at me. I was the only thing in the room looking more peculiar than old Mr. Long Locks. Face crimson and forehead breaking out in a sweat, I watched him look up at me with absolute shock on his face, and say, 'If you really want to.'

Are you kidding? Of course I didn't want to. But God didn't seem interested in my personal preference right about then. He pressed on my heart until I could utter the words, 'Yes, sir, I would be pleased. But I have one little problem. I don't have a hairbrush.'
'I have one in my bag,' he responded.

I went around to the back of that wheelchair, and I got on my hands and knees and unzipped the stranger's old carry-on, hardly believing what I was doing. I stood up and started brushing the old man's hair.

It was perfectly clean, but it was tangled and matted. I don't do many things well, but must admit I've had notable experience untangling knotted hair mothering two little girls. Like I'd done with either Amanda or Melissa in such a condition, I began brushing at the very bottom of the strands, remembering to take my time not to pull.

A miraculous thing happened to me as I started brushing that old man's hair. Everybody else in the room disappeared. There was no one alive for those moments except that old man and me. I brushed and I brushed and I brushed until every tangle was out of that hair. I know this sounds so strange, but I've never felt that kind of love for another soul in my entire life. I believe with all my heart, I - for that few minutes - felt a portion of the very love of God. That He had overtaken my heart for a little while like someone renting a room and making Himself at home for a short while.

The emotions were so strong and so pure that I knew they had to be God's. His hair was finally
as soft and smooth as an infant's. I slipped the brush back in the bag and went around the chair to face him. I got back down on my knees, put my hands on his knee and said, 'Sir, do you know my Jesus?'
He said, 'Yes, I do'
Well, that figures, I thought.

He explained, 'I've known Him since I married my bride. She wouldn't marry me until I got to know the Savior.' He said, 'You see, the problem is, I haven't seen my bride in months. I've had open-heart surgery, and she's been too ill to come see me. I was sitting here thinking to myself, what a mess I must be for my bride.'

Only God knows how often He allows us to be part of a divine moment when we're completely unaware of the significance. This, on the other hand, was one of those rare encounters when I knew God had intervened in details only He could have known. It was a God moment, and I'll never forget it.

Our time came to board, and we were not on the same plane. I was deeply ashamed of how I'd acted earlier and would have been so proud to have accompanied him on that aircraft.
I still had a few minutes, and as I gathered my things to board, the airline hostess returned from the corridor, tears streaming down her cheeks. She said, 'That old man's sitting on the plane, sobbing. Why did you do that? What made you do that?'
I said, 'Do you know Jesus? He can be the bossiest thing!'
And we got to share.

I learned something about God that day. He knows if you're exhausted, you're hungry, you're serving in the wrong place or it is time to move on but you feel too responsible to budge. He knows if you're hurting or feeling rejected. He knows if you're sick or drowning under a wave of temptation. Or He knows if you just need your hair brushed. He sees you as an individual. Tell Him your need!

I got on my own flight, sobs choking my throat, wondering how many opportunities just like that one had I missed along the way ... all because I didn't want people to think I was strange. God didn't send me to that old man. He sent that old man to me.

John 1:14 'The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth'
Life shouldn't be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly shouting, 'Wow! What a ride! Thank You, Lord!'