How Much is Too Much?

Happy New Year, my dear friends! 2020 is here, like it or not. I hope you are growing closer together and looking forward to being more happily in love with each other throughout the next twelve months.

Two couples are weighing heavily on my mind this morning, as I pull myself into a new day, week, month, year, and decade; both couples' families are facing a rough new dawn.

TOM AND MEL

One couple, Tom and Mel, (names changed, as well as some of the more identifiable facts below) first came to our weekly stepparenting support group classes around nine years ago. They weren't married yet but she was helping him raise his two pre-teen children from a previous marriage. The battles with his ex and the conflicts between Mel and Tom's children were putting a serious strain on their relationship.

They continued attending classes weekly while looking for ways to deal with their problems. Eventually, I began seeing them privately for couples' mediation sessions and we were able to settle the dust. His children grew older; things evened off a bit between Mel and Tom's kids; the couple settled down and had a baby of their own, which helped solidify the new family as Tom's daughter fell in love with her new stepsister.

As with most couples, Tom and Mel had ups and downs. His kids grew up and became quite a bit better; Mel and he had a second baby of their own; they moved to another state and we lost touch. I recently got an email from Mel saying that things had worsened to the point that Tom finally moved out saying he didn't love her any more.

Mel stays in touch via Facebook, and I watched her struggle through a Christmas and into this new year alone with her two young kids. Both Tom and Mel are broken hearted and alone and wondering what went wrong - but they both agree they don't feel like trying any more.

DREW AND ANNA

About the same time, another couple -- Drew and Anna -- began attending the group classes. He was a local man who was engaged to a younger Russian woman after exchanging letters and emails for a few months. They were attending our support group, like Tom and Mel, to prepare for the daunting prospect of joining two touchy situations into one more touchy situation. He, too, had two children from a previous failed marriage.

Like the first couple, Drew and Anna struggled with not only the same, common stepfamily conflicts - kids, an ex, and new relationship upsets - but with the extra frustration of different culture expectations. I met with them privately some over the years and together we managed to find the patience, understanding, and love to push through together.

They had a baby boy whom they were both crazy about, and life spiraled on through the ups and downs. At one point, Anna contacted me and asked for help with some tougher-than-usual conflicts during which Drew had moved out. But, in this case love won out, and they got back together and moved on in love.

Then Drew had a slight health complication which, suddenly, lead to his totally unexpected death. Anna and their grade school age son were crushed. We all felt the shock as the joy of reunion was followed so quickly by tragedy.

Today, through her postings on Facebook I see Anna recovering from her loss and blooming again with their son. Of course she longs for her sweetheart, but Anna has the comfort of beautiful memories of his love and their happy time together before he was gone from her.

TWO VERY DIFFERENT NEW YEARS

And now, in this turning over of a year and lives, I watch these two families -- one broken and alone, the other alone but still full of love. Neither knew what the future held for them. Neither could have anticipated the unexpected turns their lives would take in 2020.

NOW my friends, which future will you choose for your own family to experience in a year or a decade? Will you give up and submit your children to broken hearts and a future of watching Mom and Dad bicker and play tug-of-war with them, teaching their children lessons of warfare and how to hurt someone you once loved?

Or will you look beyond the petty arguments that attack every stepfamily, choosing to teach your children, like Anna is doing, that love goes on beyond disappointments, and even beyond death?

Yes, both mothers are now raising their children without their partners, but -- oh! -- what a difference stubborn, determined love can make! One household filled with warmth and sweet memories versus another filled with ache and bitterness.

You have the choice. During every fight, every upset, every disappointment, you get to choose your future. And please remember, not only are you choosing your own possible future, but you are consciously deciding what you want to demonstrate to your children.

Step carefully, my friends.

Stepcoach Bob Collins

P. S. If you appreciated this insight onto other couples' rollercoaster of stepfamily lives, 1) let me know and 2) if you have a story of survival or of loss tell me so I can share it.

And, if you let me know you liked this article in the comments, I'll give you another picture of possibilities and eventualities in families like yours.

God bless your whole family!

Communicating so your Kids Can Hear You

How much information do your children need in order to do what you require from them? Over load or insufficient data?

I have several devices, tablet, phone, laptop, etc, etc, as I’m sure you probably do, too. And I have several power supplies which I have collected over time with the devices. The power supplies are different amperages, stated in different ways, which drives my poor writer’s brain nuts.

This morning I was trying to choose between one power supply that said “output: 8.5 Amps” and another that said, “output: 500 mAmps.” >sigh< unable to find my old college math books, I consulted my next favorite source, Google.

Three hours later, after learning about basic quantum electronic theory and the origin of lightning-based home-schooled electromechanics, I stumbled upon a simple converter that told me, with the click of a simulated button, which one was more goo-er-er. 

These days, we have WAY too much information available for the efficient delivery of answers to befuddled, overworked humanoids. 

WHAT INFO DO KIDS NEED FROM PARENTS?

In our oversaturated, overstimulated, overinformationalized society, I am seeing so many cases of mis-communication between parents and their kids. We moan about a lack of respect from our children, when – I suspect – the problem is really a lack of connection. 

Parents have lately become victims of “Explain-itis” when it comes to giving directions to their children. The directive to stop hitting a playmate slowly melts into a long, dry lecture on the reasons for mutual respect, societal order, individuals’ personal rights versus self-esteem, and all the other catch words spewed out by everyone from the media to Facebook to educational flyers.

By the time a well-meaning parent has explained the psycho-social theory behind playground fairness and mutual concern for the planet, the poor child has forgotten what the lecture started over. And he has lost a little more respect for Mom’s or Dad’s intellectual usefulness.

A simple, “Tommy! Stop hitting that boy! Now, apologize to him; shake his hand; and get in the car, we’re going home,” is an excellent delivery of the necessary information and steps to be taken for Tommy to end the inappropriate action, reconcile with the other child, and begin his next action.

Our children’s minds are not developed, until their mid-twenties, to incorporate and process complex multiple streams of information. The most effective way to instruct them is with simple directives, delivered in a straightforward order, so that they can process one step at a time.

Long detailed explanations about why some actions must be taken, are best left for later, perhaps at bedtime when the excitement of the moment has passed. 

If you spend too much time carefully enlightening your child about the engineering facts of the internal combustion engine and the momentum-to-surface texture friction ratio required to halt a moving automobile – you may end up finishing the explanation in an ambulance on the way to a hospital.

Just like I was distracted and confused by all the in-depth discussions about amperages, your kids don’t necessarily need to understand the “Why” and the background, as much as they need to know What you want them to do first, second, and third.

Remember that kids don’t like “TMI”! 

[by Bob Collins, Copyright 2017]

Security & Sanity with Passwords

 

Whether you are establishing a secure link to your bank’s website, or attempting to keep your teenagers out of your computer, passwords are a fact of life in today’s online world. And passwords can be both a blessing – as they keep information safe – and a curse – since they are often so bloody hard to remember.

When I begin to play “The Password Game,” my wife just leaves the room. She says she doesn’t want to hear my explosions of rage as I try every password I have ever used, as well as, of course, as the one I set up for the stupid site! I have no idea what she’s talking about.

The following article, from The Dictionary Blog, offers some good advice to keep your surfing secure and, hopefully, non-violent.

 STEPcoach Bob Collins 

SOURCE: https://dictionaryblog.cambridge.org/2016/07/05/when-dictionaries-attack/

The Bible, Divorce, & Re-marriage

There’s no use dancing around the obvious point that most stepfamilies are formed from a controversial act: divorce. And there’s no way to avoid the fact that many religions—and therefore many religious people—have a problem dealing with stepfamilies.

Divorce and remarriage are tough fits in our world: the Bible says God hates them (Malachi 2:14-16), but our society encourages them and makes them convenient, so it’s just a fact of life we must deal with. It’s a fact, too, that there are many ministers and well–meaning folk out there who try to ignore — or worse yet, condemn — those of us who are in a stepfamily.

But the fact of the matter is that, while Jesus discouraged the practice (except in particular cases; Matthew 5:36), He never refused His care and healing power to any who sincerely asked for it. So, as Christ-followers (you know…“WWJD”), neither can we. (And by we, I mean both we in STEP- Carefully! Inc., and you, if you’re a Christian!)

Jesus even demonstrated how to deal with this sticky subject. In John 4:6–30, Jesus reminds the Samaritan woman at the well that she’s been remarried several times…then He drops the subject and goes on to minister to her needs. And as a result, you’ll recall, an entire town came out to meet Him.

That’s the model we follow. While acknowledging that divorce should never happen, we accept the fact that it does, help as much as we can, and move on. We don’t have a choice, really, since everyone involved with our programs have been divorced, remarried, or have family members who have lived through it. That’s why it’s important to look for a church, a minister, a counselor, or a therapist who has had personal experience with the challenges of divorce, or who has an open heart and mind about it.

If you ever need to talk, please feel free to contact us. Been there; done that; got the scars to understand!

STEPcoach Bob Collins

A Letter for the Family Courts

[THIS is part of a letter I am sending to all divorce attorneys and family court judges in Sebastian and Crawford County. PLEASE NOTE the 2nd through 4th paragraphs. This is Very Important Stuff!]

…. “One point of confusion seems to come up occasionally: who exactly is Required by law to attend the parenting classes. Arkansas Code states:

A.C.A. § 9-12-322 (2017) Divorcing parents to attend parenting class.

(a) When the parties to a divorce action have minor children residing with one (1) or both parents, the court, prior to or after entering a decree of divorce, may require the parties to:

  (1) Complete at least two (2) hours of classes concerning parenting issues faced by divorced parents; or

  (2) Submit to mediation in regard to addressing parenting, custody, and visitation issues.

“So, each parent, regardless of *custody orders, *who filed for divorce, or *who intends to be primary caregiver of the children, is required to attend either the class or private mediation. Parents who attend these classes understand it is beneficial for both of the parents and all the children for both parents and any other adult family members to attend the classes. 

“Our class plan still emphasizes parents not arguing in front of the children; cooperating regarding child support payments, shared responsibilities, and household rules that affect the children; teaching children to respect both parents; and helping children cope with the divorce.

“As of this Summer, we will have been teaching our Parenting Together class for divorcing parents for 13 years! That’s a lot of classes (over 230) and nearly 2,300 parents who have been shown how to guide their children through divorce.

Thank you for your part in directing these hurting, confused parents to our class where they can receive direction and a plan for their futures with their children. Your recommendations have helped greatly.

“I have included some brochures you may photocopy and hand out to your clients or interested parties. As always, you are welcome and encouraged to visit my classes at any time at no charge. Please let me know in advance, so I can have handouts and information packets for you.”

Sincerely, 

Bob Collins

Certified Domestic Mediator

Worn Out!

Are you feeling stretched too thin, worn out, run over, run down, and run out? Join the club! But did you know that even God is concerned about your schedule? Yep. Seems that God is pretty darned serious about you getting some rest. He even made it one of the Big Ten. ... remember "Thou shalt keep the Sabbath day and keep it holy"?

This has never been more important for families than it is today when everything seems to be faster-paced and more urgent.

God understood (probably from looking at the original Blueprints for us) how much we need some down time, not just once or twice a year on vacation, but Every Week! The Sabbath is intended as a Day Off from work and worry; a time for Family to get together and share their lives and their time; a time also to thank God for His gifts and blessings (Hey! It's not just for Thanksgiving anymore!)

So this weekend set aside the cell phone and those files you brought from work. Play a board game, go to a park together, start a family project. That's an order ... or a Commandment! Oh, and don't forget to go to worship service, too!

God bless y'all!
STEPcoach Bob Collins

Do Children Benefit from Divorce?

The question was asked on a website forum recently, Does Divorce Benefit Children. 

Below is my answer, based on my empirical experience:

-------------------------

No! Children do not benefit from their parents' divorce. In fact they are as damaged as they would be from the sudden, violent death of one of their parents. They learn that life is not to be depended upon for safety, security, or happiness. They learn the cold of trying to fall asleep while crying about the loss of their "safe place" of home where they can be assured of security and encouragement from both parents who can reinforce each other's parenting.

 As a stepfamily minister and family mediator since 1996, and a teacher of court-required classes for divorcing parents of minors, I've seen many, many detrimental effects of divorce on children. I've also heard many, many parents trying to justify their divorces by saying the children will be better off. 

 No, they won't be better off. As Judith Wallerstein points out in her book, What About the Kids?, children whose parents divorce are affected by the divorce the rest of their lives in almost every conceivable context, from their self-esteem and -confidence, to their social interactions, to their own marriages and parenting. By far most of the divorcing parents who come through my classes are children of divorce themselves who are just passing along the epidemic.

 I've watched these scarred children try to fit into stepfamilies in second or third marriages. It is sad to see! They exhibit signs of trauma, insecurity, fear, distrust, anger, acting out, parental isolation, hostility toward the new adults, and most every other trauma-related behavior. Divorce is wrong toward your spouse to whom you've sworn to be true for life; it's abusive to your children who trust you both to care for them unselfishly.

STEPcoach Bob Collins

To My 13-Year-Old, An iPhone Contract From Your Mom, With Love

Interesting responses. It looks to me like the responders who criticize the lack of trust in the list have never parented a teenager (as I have). One person suggested the parents should let the kids learn from mistakes "like we did." But the mistakes kids can make today have much, much, MUCH more dangerous ramifications than ours did. With great power comes great responsibility. This parent seems to be guiding her son to learn these responsibility lessons in a real-life situation, rather than just talking it out to him. And as for not insisting on knowing his password ... DUH! Any parent who cares for their child's safety and is engaged in the growing process should know what's going on in their child's life. If a child is keeping secrets they don't want Mom or Dad to know, it's something they shouldn't be dabbling in. A parent has the responsibility of protecting, preparing, and guiding a child through childhood into adulthood, prepared to navigate the world on their own. Good job, Janell!
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

A Stepdad's Christmas Gift

by Bobby Collins

© 2012

<NOTE: this true story is taken from our lesson book, Responsibility of A Lifetime.>

It was a common enough story. The young man had already fallen in love with 

the girl, they had been seeing each other for awhile, they had even made 

plans to get married. Their future looked perfect.

Then, not too long before their wedding, she told him she was pregnant. He 

was stunned. Not just about the unplanned pregnancy, but mostly because the 

two of them had not ... done anything yet. Both had agreed to wait until 

they were officially husband and wife. So, whose was the baby?! He knew it 

was not his. But she was turning to him to help her solve her problem.

His first thought was to save himself - just cut her loose, that was what 

his friends said. She could tell her family whatever she wanted. It was none 

of his business. She had gotten herself into this mess, let her get herself 

out. He had his whole life (not to mention the reputation of his family!) to 

think of.

But the more he thought about that, the more he realized he could not just 

leave her to face it alone. She was really special -- and he was really in 

love. Something about her touched his heart in a way he had never been 

touched before. And he was afraid he would never feel this way again if he 

let her go.

So, against all advice and common sense, he decided to stick around - at 

least long enough to help her get through the pregnancy. Some of her family 

(and most of her friends) had decided that she was a slut and did not 

deserve to have their friendship and help. One by one they turned away from 

her in disgust, some openly, some by just insisting they were constantly too 

busy to see her. Finally,  he was her only friend, her only support.

Of course, it meant more difficulties, since they had not planned on it. 

Neither of them had any money for a baby - they barely had enough for the 

two of them. And still, always in the back of his mind -- it was not his 

baby.

The birth was difficult, but he was there to help. He never left her side as 

she birthed someone elses baby. After the baby boy was born, his feelings 

for this girl were even stronger. Plus, since it was part of her, he had 

already started caring for her baby.

As the little boy grew by days, months, and years, the man never tried to 

say he was his dad, even though he felt like it more and more of the time.

So, this stepdad moved unofficially into the position of daddy to the little 

boy. He helped him when the baby took his very first steps. He taught the 

boy the important things in life:  how to fish, how to throw a ball, and how 

to spit without getting yourself wet. He showed him the beauty of a sky full 

of stars, a sunset over the lake, and a flower in the grass.

He also taught the little boy to know the difference between right and 

wrong, to be respectful of his elders, and to be fair when he played games 

with others. And he taught his stepson to be nice to ladies and girls and 

those littler than him.

The stepdad showed his wife's son what it means to be committed to someone, 

even though you might not be responsible for them legally. He loved the boy 

no matter how he acted. He never turned away from him.

He also demonstrated how a real man should love his wife - tenderly, 

unselfishly, and unconditionally. The boy saw his stepfather loving his 

mother in many ways: by speaking respectfully to her, by helping her with 

the household chores, by opening doors and holding chairs for her, and by 

giving her his full attention.

He showed his stepson how to work hard, but still make time for important 

details like the boy's sports and school events. He took his family to 

church to show them the importance of worship and gratitude for being part 

of a family. He laughed and he cried with the boy, and he helped him grow 

into a good man because a good man cared.

And when the young man had grown and was ready to leave home for a life of 

his own, the stepdad lost part of his heart. Even though the boy was not 

really his own. Because thats what stepparents do.

And because this unselfish man was willing to take on a family that was not 

really his; because he looked beyond a girl's shame and into her heart; and 

because he gave the best years of his life to love and guide and care for 

someone else's son ... because he took on the Responsibility of A Lifetime as a 

stepparent, his stepson - Jesus - passed on to us many of the lessons he 

learned from his stepdad, Joseph.

MORAL of the story:

Your stepchild may not turn out as perfect as Joseph's did, but every stepchild - even yours is as important to God as Joseph's was. Look for the good in your stepchild. Nurture that spark of divine. Bless him or her as though he or she was that Christmas stepchild of Joseph's. 

You don't have to be a Joseph - or a Mary - to be a vital part of your stepchild's development. Give your heart. Give your time. Give your mate all of you, and your stepchild will see and learn about love from you. You can be the most important contribution your stepchild receives.

For the Conn. Families ...

My dear Stepfamily friends,


Please stop and pray for the families of the children and teachers killed and injured in Connecticut today. The pain they will go though this holiday season makes even our stepfamily issues seem small and trivial by comparison.

Take time to pray for and appreciate your children AND your stepchildren. And, as you try to explain to them what has happened, and how it could happen, be sure to remind them the the Lord loves them no matter how much craziness is in this world. His mercy and love is everlasting.

I hope you will take this sad experience to heart and, if you've been angry or dissatisfied in your marriage and stepfamily, you will reconsider your stance. Consider, instead, embracing them (even the stiff, cranky, or rebellious ones) with a love that can melt the distrust. Love them MORE than you would hope to be loved were you in their shoes.

I will be sending out another regular newsletter this weekend. Until then,

Go with God,
STEPcoach Bob

You & Your Stepkids

For good or evil, more than likely the people in your stepfamily that get the most attention are the ones you weren't even thinking most about when you decided to get re-married.

You and your girl-or-boy friend sat holding hands while dreamily playing what-if about being together all the time in your home, and —almost as an afterthought— how nice it would be for the kids to have a "real" home again.

Also more than likely, your kids were either pretty positive about the upcoming marriage, or at least they didn't raise too much dust...until the wedding was over. Following the wedding, most stepparents are shocked to see a rapidly escalating roar of rebellion.

Angry statements like "You're not my dad!" "I don't have to listen to you!" and "I hate you!!" come out of nowhere. And suddenly what was supposed to be Heaven with your new family takes a downward turn.

What went wrong? And more importantly, how can you fix it?

Well, there's good news and there's bad news. The good news is there are ways to make your home much happier. The bad news is it's gonna take work—from everyone, especially you. But before we start fixing the problem, we need to get an idea of why there's a problem and what the problem is.

In his book, Stepparent is Not A Bad Word, David Nowell states,

"[stepkids]feel the nervous excitement of the upcoming [wedding] ceremony, the final realization that Mom and Dad are not going to get together again, the joy of seeing a parent really in love, jealousy at that same love, budding affection for the new stepparent, ... add to the mixture a few adolescent hormones, and it can become too much to handle."

Re-marriage isn't even easy for the husband and wife, and we're adults who are relatively experienced with handing stresses. To a child who's had to experience a death or divorce and the subsequent adjustment to life with a single parent, the introduction of a new "family" is often too difficult to grasp.

Puppies and Kittens

When they are faced with a new authority figure and competitor for their parent's affection, many stepkids will react in one of two ways. I like to think of it as either a "puppy" or a "kitten" reaction.

Let me explain, if a puppy is placed in an unfamiliar environment and suddenly confronted, he will probably tuck his tail, let out a whimper, and head under the sofa. On the other hand, if a kitten is placed in the same environment and scared, she will probably arch her back, lay back her ears, spit, and strike out in self-defense.

And most stepkids will react one of these ways depending on their personality and recent experiences. A "puppy" will withdraw from family functions and pull into himself. He may speak civilly to both parents, but inside, he is resentful of both their parts in the upheaval of his world. Eventually, a puppy will explode...either in anger and rebellion, or in escape and possible self-destruction.

If you have a "kitten," though, she probably wasted no time telling you exactly what she thought of the new arrangements! Fur flew and claws were used freely. But these often aren't healthy ventings of feelings, rather they are indications of fears and betrayal that will only get worse until they are dealt with properly.

Your Important Decision

Understanding the problem is one thing. Remembering those reasons in the midst of a screaming match with a wild-eyed teenager is another. But that is just what you have to do. Someone has to act like an adult, and you are the most likely prospect.

As I said earlier, this is going to take a lot of work, especially from you, the stepparent. And actually, that's not really unfair. She's just a kid, after all. You, as the stepparent, are the one who has entered their world. And although her parent is happy with the new set up, your stepdaughter feels like she's lost her best friend and her place as number one in her parent's heart.

The most important thing a stepparent can do for their family's peace of mind is to improve your memory.

• Remember who's supposed to be more mature, and act like it. 
• Remember what all they've been through, and try to imagine how you'd feel going through the same messes (maybe you even have!). 
• And remember that you will be held responsible for how you teach them and react to their challenges. Not officially, not by the courts or the police, but your spouse and your own heart will tell you that you had a hand, even if it is secondary to the bio-parent, in how they turn out.

That last may not seem fair, especially when the kids are older and were raised by someone else during their formative years. But nonetheless most folks will, to a certain extent and perhaps just in their minds, judge you by how they grow up. So you might as well do your best to steer them right.

Because that is your purpose in life.

What did you think it was? Working harder than the next person? Having the most and best toys? Looking your prettiest longer than your friends?

Of course not. None of those things matter. They will all pass away at your death. My mother had a poem hanging by her fireplace that says:

Only one life--
T'will soon be past.
Only what's done
For Christ will last.

That's true. And it especially applies to your stepkids. You never planned to be raising these children — someone else's children. But you are.

You have been given the opportunity to dramatically affect lives that otherwise you may not have ever come into contact with. And what will you do with this opportunity?

I know one stepdad in our area who's solution to a rebellious, smart-mouthed teenaged stepdaughter is to just shut her out. He never gives her any affection or any attention other than to tell her what to do.
His defense is solid: "I give her a roof, a bed, clothes, school; and what does she give me in return? Backtalk and disrespect. I've turned my life upside down for her and she hates me for it. Fine. I'll keep her alive until she can move out. Then she can go to Hell for all I care!"

As a matter of fact, I know several stepparents who are giving up like that. And it is easier than the options. But at what cost? What have you taught in this rare opportunity? That no one can be trusted. That no one cares about them. And that there's no reason to hope. ... And the suicide rate holds steady this year again.

NEVER give up. Never quit saying —and meaning— "I love you."
Be an adult about it. They need love. They need you.
You, working with their parents, are their best, perhaps their last, hope for a good future.

Only one life
T'will soon be past...
What memories of you do you want to last?

STEPcoach Bob

A Stepparent's Responsibility

Dear [stepparent],

Regarding your question about your particular responsibility about your husband's kids, here's how that lays out:

1) the stepparent is not legally or morally or physically responsible for their stepchildren. If a child gets into some sort of liable trouble (causing expensive damages to someone else's property, for example), the biological parent is legally responsible for reparations for that damage. Not the stepparent. Morally, God places responsibility for raising a child and teaching that child how to be an adult on the biological parent. Not the stepparent.

2) The stepparent has the opportunity to bless the stepchildren; to teach them by example how to be a kind, loving, forgiving person. The stepparent also has the opportunity to demonstrate to the stepchild how to react, in a Christian manner, if they are insulted, ignored, or even harmed by the stepchild. The stepparent does have the responsibility to show the stepchild Christ in a very real way through daily living and lovingkindness (just as any child or person).

Yes, this can be hard. I remember when my own stepdaughter slapped me in the face in public, (once physically and many times with her mouth and hateful attitude to embarrass me and to challenge me). As a Christian who just happened to be married to her mother, my responsibility was to demonstrate to her how a Christian would deal with a personal attack like that. (Remember what Jesus said to do if someone slaps you on one cheek? Forgive and get over it and love them)

So the stepparent, you and I, has no legal responsibility over the stepchild - but the Christian has an opportunity to witness Christ's love and forgiveness to everyone, ESPECIALLY those in our household.

---

One more point; although a stepparent does not have the responsibility for their stepchild, they are still family. And, as family, they have a relationship with those stepchildren. You and I, as family members to our stepchildren, must be careful not to shun those children, but to reach out to them as family members. When Dad and the kids are doing something, a family member should show an interest and care about that they're doing. If the stepkids reject your attempt, that shouldn't make any difference in your actions.

We are still family members with those children of our spouse, and as such we need to show the same care and consideration as we do toward our spouse's parents, brothers and sisters, or their grandparents. Reach out with patience and love and respect because of who they are related to … our sweetheart.

It is a balancing act: love without having to, care without being forced to. But so is every other relationship we have - with our spouse, our parents, our siblings, etc, etc. It may not be the easiest, but it's the right thing to do.

STEPcoach Bob Collins

Helping stepfamilies succeed since 1996 - STEP-Carefully! is just for you!

Christmas (Talk) In August!

In our local support group this week we happened on a ripe topic. (And when I say we “happened” on it, I mean that literally. Sometimes I have no idea where God will lead us until we get there!) We fell into talking about Christmases past and to come. In particular, what we had all spent on our kids and families last Christmas. Many were not proud!

One couple said they fought so badly she asked to be let out of the car on the way to a family gathering. She just sat at a gas station until he and the kids were through and came back to get her! They both seemed unhappy about that event.

Another guy told of how his family tradition was to just buy for the kids and maybe a gift or two for another family member; however, his new wife’s family tradition involved expensive gifts for each member of a large family. They also held Christmas gatherings and dinners at several houses … where more gifts were exchanged! He still sounded stunned by it all.

How many gifts did they give out? “Way too many,” seemed to be the consensus. One couple looked at each other, counting to themselves and came up with “50 or 55” gifts per child! Good grief!

Why do we do this? Most said they just got carried away with sales and last minute ideas. But one dad admitted that part of his over-gifting was to make up to his kids for their not having such a great life since their parents’ divorce and Dad’s remarriage. Most of the others either nodded agreement or just stared at their hands.

So I asked them, What do you think is a proper number of gifts for a child to receive for Christmas. Not your child, but an average child from an average family in our socio-economic neighborhood. … No one volunteered for what sounded like a trap, so I went around the table and ask each person. The general average seemed to be four or five gifts per child was fair.

Why numbers of gifts per child instead of amount spent, one mom asked. Because most pre-teen kids seem to be more interested in how many packages they have to open and the gifts they walk away with, than how many dollars each item cost.

One dad said they’d settled the issue last year by reading the Christmas story, then pointing out that since Baby Jesus (whose birthday this is supposed to be about) only received three gifts, wasn’t it fair to limit the kids to only three gifts? Nice idea!

We wound up all agreeing that it might be a good idea to set goals or budgets for this year’s holidays. Our homework for the next week will be for each couple to come back with their set plan. It can include only the kids, or be for the kids and all the adults. It can be about numbers of gifts, or about budgeted dollars, or both.

I’d like to propose this same project for your family. Sit down together, you and your sweetie, and decide now – while it’s still hot and very non-Christmas-y – what your goal (or your limit if you’re more comfortable with that measure) will be for your family this year. Write it down and keep it where you can find it again around the middle of November. And then see what you think of it come January.

Please write me and let me share with our other families your ideas. I know they will appreciate hearing from you – we all need to share ideas, don’t we? 

Oh, and … Merry Christmas!

STEP coach Bob

A Voice from Theater 9

Marie, who wrote this blog post, was one of the unsuspecting innocents sitting in theater 9, in Aurora, Colorado when the gunman opened fire. Here is her take on what happened and why it happened. BTW, just for the record, I agree with her wholeheartedly.

STEPcoach Bob
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SO YOU STILL THINK GOD IS A MERCIFUL GOD?!

(Maybe, just maybe God spared my life because He loves YOU and wants you to hear this..He wants you to believe that He loved you so much He gave His only begotten Son that if you would believe in Him you would have eternal life.)
“So, you still believe in a merciful God?”  Some of the comments online are genuinely inquisitive, others are contemptuous in nature. Regardless of the motive behind the question, I will respond the same way.
Yes.
Yes, I do indeed.
Absolutely, positively, unequivocally.

Let’s get something straight: the theater shooting was an evil, horrendous act done by a man controlled by evil.  God did not take a gun and pull the trigger in a crowded theater. He didn’t even suggest it. A man did.

In His sovereignty, God made man in His image with the ability to choose good and evil.
Unfortunately, sometimes man chooses evil.

I was there in theater 9 at midnight, straining to make out the words and trying to figure out the story line as The Dark Night Rises began. I’m not a big movie-goer. The HH and I prefer to watch movies in the comfort of our own home…where I can use subtitles and get a foot rub. I don’t like action movies. And I don’t like midnight showings.  But, as I wrote in my last post, parents sometimes make sacrifices for their kiddos and I decided I would take my fourteen year old and sixteen year old daughters who were chomping at the bit to see this eagerly anticipated third movie in the Batman Trilogy. Twice I had the opportunity to back out and twice I was quite tempted. But something in me said just go with your girls. I did.

So I was there with them, fidgeting in my seat, some forty or  fifty feet away from the man with the gun. It’s still a bit surreal, but I do know that when the seemingly endless shooting started, as my girls were struggling from whatever gas or chemical had been released, and we figured out what was happening, we hit the floor. I threw myself on top of my fourteen year old who was on the end of the row, straight up the aisle from the shooter.  In that moment, as the rapid-fire shots continued, I truly thought I was going to die. And I realized that I was ready. I have put my faith and trust in Jesus Christ as the redeemer of my soul, and there wasn’t the slightest doubt that I would be received into heaven, not because of any good thing that I have done but because of His merciful nature and the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Still, as I lay over my daughter, I began praying out loud. I don’t even remember what I prayed, but I don’t imagine it really matters. I’m sure it was for protection and peace. It drew me closer into the presence of God. When there was a pause in the shooting, people began to clamor for the exits. The girls and I jumped up and joined the masses. We had to step over a lifeless body, not knowing where the shooter was. We raced to our car and I dumped my purse, frantically searching for keys, looking all around, prepared to hit the ground. I yelled at Michelle to call Matthew and find out if he had made it out of the theater next door. She did. He did. We booked on out of there.

Why would you think such a tragedy would make me question the goodness of God? If anything, both of my girls said it made Him a much more real presence to them; the youngest shared this verse: Do not be afraid of sudden fear nor of the onslaught of the wicked when it comes; for the LORD will be your confidence and will keep your feet from being caught.

He is not the cause of evil, but He is the one who can bring comfort and peace in the midst of evil.  It’s been amazing to see the outpouring of love from so many people after this unthinkable act.  Yes, there was one evil act, but it is being covered by thousands, possibly millions of acts of kindness.
We have not yet slept, so the girls and I are overtired and a bit emotional.  But overall, we are praising God and resting in His Goodness.  

I love this word of wisdom and encouragement from a former pastor of mine:
Up to this point I haven’t had words to say that would matter. Of course we are all glad that you and the family are safe. Of course we would all state the obvious that this is horrific and senseless. But those words still don’t carry weight that remain in the midst of the questions. Then it hit me… Do you know what the difference was between Job and his wife in their response to the tragedy of losing everything… Job 1:20 Job was the only one that worshiped in the midst of it. Marie, I know your heart and I’ve seen your worship lived out before your family. Before the weight of this becomes unbearable… worship. Your profile pic was not coincidence, not by accident that you changed it on July 15th, but a beautiful foreshadowing of your need to hear the cry of your heart and give Him praise.  
Though we don’t have all the answers, we do indeed listen to the cry of our hearts: When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, In God I have put my trust; I shall not be afraid. What  can mere man  do to me? Psalm 56:3-4

God is always good.
Man is not.
Don’t get the two confused.

We will continue to praise and worship our mighty God, anticipating that He will bring beauty from ashes, as only He can do.

If you want to know how to pray for us: first and foremost, we need sleep. Somehow our bodies seem too wired. We also want the life that God has graciously allowed us to continue to live to not be a gift given in vain, we want our lives to draw others closer to Him. We do not want fear to dominate, for God has not given us a spirit of fear. We want His joy to be seen and experienced in all that we do.
Pray for the families who lost loved ones, and for young people who witnessed such horror. Pray for this to be an opportunity for God to manifest Himself in mighty ways.

As for you…we will pray that YOU might know His goodness.
Still grateful for this wonderful life,
Marie
Original blog post: http://aminiatureclaypot.wordpress.com/2012/07/20/so-you-still-think-god-is-a-merciful-god

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Guest Post: Playtime!

This is a very nice borrowed-with-permission article that I couldn't resist sharing with you. It originally appeared in Simple Marriage blog at http://www.simplemarriage.net/playtime.html Stepfamilies are all parents - otherwise, you'd just be a couple. And I have been hearing so much lately about issues and clashes between husbands and wives about the kids, that I am pretty kid-minded. So when this post came my way I grabbed it to share with you. Enjoy. And let me know if and how this applies or helps your family.

STEPcoach Bob Collins

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Playtime

Post written by Dr. Corey Allan.

Play has become a lost art in the adult world.

Perhaps even in the kid world … play is not be what it used to be.

Gone are the days of tag, chase, tackle the man with the ball, dodgeball, and the like.

Also gone are the “dangerous toys” like the metal Tonka trucks that are indestructible, the monkey bars that tower into the air, the tree house built way up in the tree with a homemade zip line going into the garage, and the metal slide that’s 4 stories tall with no side-rails and several bumps on the way down. Okay so the last one may be a bit of an exaggeration but it’s not far off.

Play serves a great purpose.

Remember when you used to call up your friends or head over to their house and greet them with “wanna play?” It didn’t matter what you played, you’d make it up.

Today it seems that play is all but dead. Especially in the adult world. Even parenting has been impacted.

Parenting often becomes more about the child’s achievement and directing towards goals – be it the child’s – or far more likely the parent’s goals.

Schools are doing away with recess in the belief that giving up play time will allow more time for study. Even preschoolers are not immune to this shift.

Through the 80’s and 90’s a 4 billion dollar industry sprang up … tutoring. With 26% of it being devoted for 2 to 6 year olds. Babies … who should be spending more time in imaginative play than structured learning.

Play develops a child’s cognitive skills.

By play, I mean true child directed play: free, unstructured play where the kids invent the activities that reflect their own curiosities and interests.

Too many children are parentified, or expected to become adults too fast. And too many adults have added too many stipulations and parameters to play – in short, they’ve lost the art of play.

Play is critical in a child’s life. According to David Elkind, play is vital in teaching a child how to control himself and interact with others.

But play is also important in the adult world.

It opens to door to new solutions and creative sparks. It adds passion and energy to life and marriage.

Researcher Jaak Panksepp believes play turns on hundreds of genes in the brain. Specifically, play stimulates neurogenesis to hasten the development of the frontal cortex in the brain.

Play is vital to the development of our children and the health of our families, but it is also vital to us as adults.

So what can you do today?

1. Encourage your kids to play with other kids. This may seem like a no-brainer, but it doesn’t seem to happen that often. Many parentified children would rather play with adults than other kids. While this may seem mature and grown-up, anytime a kid plays with an adult, imagination and leadership skills are stifled. Adults often take charge or limit the imagination because we can’t compete with a child’s imagination level. When you do play with a child, let go of your imagination restrictions and let them take the lead. When they want you to be a princess or a prince who helps tame the nice dragon so you can fight the mean one, do it!
2. Play with your kids everyday for at least 30 minutes. Spend time as a family playing. One of my favorite times each day is the wrestling time I get with my daughter and son. My son, before he could even talk, would walk over to the floor and point meaning “it’s time to wrestle dad!” Before long, my daughter and my wife would be in the mix. Now that he’s 5 he just runs and jumps on me anytime I’m within range. It’s a great bonding time as well as a testing of my children’s strength and abilities.
3. Take your kids out of school for a day. You don’t have to do this too often, but take your kids someplace instead of school. You could even incorporate some learning opportunities into this. Visit the zoo, the aquarium, local museums, or galleries. You could even go to the park. Give them an unexpected break from their normal structure and spend the time together.
4. Play with your spouse. Pull out the games after the kids are in bed, or go outside ride bikes together. Build a blanket fort in the living room. Point is, you don’t have to be structured in every aspect of your life … just play.

Now … off you go. Have fun storming the castle!