Surviving Summer Visits!

Summer brings mosquito bites, sunburn, and custody swaps for most stepfamilies. Following divorce and remarriage, many divorce/child custody agreements provide for special times while school is out for the kids to visit with their non-custodial parents.

Oh joy. Now we get to figure out how to adapt to something even more disruptive! Just when we were starting to find some sort of routine around the madhouse, we toss it all and play new games.

Now, before you hop a freighter for the islands, we have a few suggestions on how to survive the summertime custody swaps. Working with thousands of stepfamilies around the world, we've received some great tips from stepmoms and dads, and here we share them with you ...

* If your kids do have to travel to visit Mom or Dad, don’t whine about it. Family ties are important to all children, but especially so for stepkids. After spending all year in a new home with new family members to adjust to, your kids probably will feel relieved to be back around familiar faces. Let them.

* One mother said that her feelings about her kids being gone for the summer could be summed up in one word: Hallelujah! At first she felt guilty about enjoying their absence, but, she says, she realized that they were having fun, so she might as well, too. Now, while she looks forward to their phone calls and their return, she plans special times just for her husband and herself.

* If kids come to visit you for the summer, don’t neglect them. Whether they are your own children, for whom your spouse has custody, or your stepkids, make them part of everything that goes on. They are not enemy spies from the ex. They are children hoping to have some enjoyment during a special time of the year, in a place that is not their home.

* Make a place for visiting stepkids to feel at home. Some families hardly provide a drawer for them, since they visit rarely. That’s shameful! They’re not pets dropped off on you for a kennel stay. They are children who are basically at the mercy of your courtesies.

* If you live in a small house and have little extra money, be creative. Save up and buy (or even borrow) some furniture - a bed, a chest of drawers - it doesn’t have to be a lot. The point is to make an effort just for them out of love.

* Wear thicker skin over the summer. If the pressures build, be careful that you don’t damage relationships you have to maintain throughout the rest of the year. Someone has to be the adult, it might as well be you. Even if no one else appreciates your strength, you can feel proud of yourself when the dust settles!

This topic is covered in more detail on our website in an expanded article: Summertime Blues! , and in our booklets, "12 Steps to Improving Your Stepfamily’s Communication," "You’re Not My Dad!," and  "You’re Not My Mom!"

God bless y'all,

STEPcoach Bob Collins

Mother's Day? Again?!

Among stepmoms I know, this is a very unpopular holiday. If you're reading this, you probably agree with them.

Mother's Day was instituted in 1914 when President Wilson agreed to Anna Marie Jarvis's request for a national holiday to honor the mothers who were raising America's next generation of citizens. She regretted her decision many times before she died in 1948, saying, "wished she would have never started the day because it became so out of control ..."

And, if you're a stepmom who works hard all year long to help take care of your stepchildren, only to be ignored on Mother's Day - you probably agree with Jarvis!

Face it, if you married a man who had children from a previous relationship in the hope you'd get the love and affection of a mother, you were nuts! The vast majority of stepchildren (God bless 'em!) can't even remember your name on Mother's Day, much less to get you a card or candy or some freakin' flowers!

But they sure remember their biological mom, don't they? You know, that woman who whines and gripes about having to allow their dad any time at all with them; who never seems to remember to send the right clothes when they do get to visit; and who refers to you as "that woman" when she even acknowledges all you do for her kids! She may send them over dirty, hungry, and hopped up on high fructose corn syrup, but to them, she's the only woman in their lives.

How many loads of laundry have you done for her kids? How many meals have you cooked? How many times have you tucked them in and kissed them good night? And how many times have you told them you love them ... only to get no thanks for any of it?

Mother's Day! Bah humbug!

After all, you signed up for cards and candy and flowers, didn't you? Didn't you?

What? That's not why you married into this hillbilly clan?

Oh, yes. That's right. You joined them because you were in love with their daddy, and you didn't mind that he brought along some "baggage." You came into this family with your eyes wide open, your arms outstretched, and your heart full of love.

And that love is still there. Somewhere behind the sticky jelly sandwiches, the smelly clothes, and the shrugs of partial acceptance.

That's what Mother's Day is all about for stepmoms. I hope you get a pretty card, a box of sweets, and a beautiful bouquet of flowers. But if you don't - and most of you won't - I hope you can remember that your love for them far surpasses the trite little gifts they may give to their bio-mom. Your love goes all the way through their daddy to their needs and their tears you help dry.

You are the glue Anna Marie Jarvis and President Wilson had in mind when they were trying to commemorate the ones who nurture our children, who shape our future. You are the picture of Christ's love to children who might reject and resent it, but who need it to overcome their wounds from their parents' divorce. And you are the one who they will remember one day as loving them no matter what they said or didn't say.

So happy Stepmother's Day to you dear, strong ladies. God bless you for your dedication, your courage, and for your love.

God bless y'all,

STEPcoach Bob Collins
stepcoach@gmail.com

What Are Your Rights?

One of my favorite times of the entire week is Sunday morning, 10:45. Our Sunday School class is refreshing, invigorating, and challenging … and fun. Pete Ramsey has been teaching our class since its creation a few years ago, and one of his secrets of success is allowing this classroom full of latent scholars the freedom to contribute, interject, and even argue with his lessons.

But underlying the participatory nature of the discussions, the teacher’s preparation lays the ground work for our lively lessons. A key to this sort of forum is providing topics to keep our minds popping and our ideas flowing. And we’re not talking about your typical topics, such as “why did Sarah insist on Hagar’s substitution for bearing a son,” or “what are the symbols in Isaac’s near sacrifice?” We, in this Adult 3 class, have all been through the easy stuff like that. Rather, the teacher digs way below the surface to mine the hardest minerals.

From this last week’s discussion questions:
* How does God want His people to respond to the aggression of others? - OK, this is sort of basic. It takes you back to a consideration of the Old Testament’s God of Wrath versus the New Testament’s Grace Gospel of forgiveness. But the bite comes in the second part of the question:
* Does the Christian have any rights? If so, what are they? - Ah-ha! Rights! Of course we want to stand up for our rights. But what rights are we talking about? Do we have the right to demand recompense in a court of law for wrongs done us in this world? Hmmm? “Of course we do”? But aren’t we taught to give more than is taken from us? To turn the other cheek? and how many times? “Seven times seventy.” A colloquialism for “as many as it takes.”

Was Christ more interested in our worldly rights to equal justice and equal standing among the rest of the inhabitants of this life? Or was His teaching more about sacrifice for the purpose of leading others to Him? When Jesus tells us daily, “If someone steals your coat, give him your shirt, too,” where does that leave us about filing charges against a pick-pocket, or a burglar, or a mugger, even? Or, for that matter, how is Christ asking us to respond to the mugger standing before us with a gun, demanding our money or our life?

As we delve deeper into these sort of painful questions, we are actually being asked to answer the question, Who are we? Are we just people, like everyone else, who just happen to go to church and call ourselves Christians? Or are we a holy, sanctified body, representing Jesus Christ Himself, as his ambassadors and His face to a lost world who needs to see Him?

WHAT ABOUT STEPPARENTS?
And, to steer the discussion directly to the subject of this blog, how does this principle apply to stepparenting? Do stepparents have rights? Of course. But should we insist upon those rights to respect, to recompense, to politeness from our stepkids? Is it prudent to start demanding that our stepkids smile and sweetly say "Hello, dear stepparent; thank you for your sacrifices and your consideration"? Is it realistic?

Sure, we have the right to require that - we've certainly earned it! But how much more trouble will we stir up if we begin being pushy about what we want? I've seen many a marriage endangered just because the stepparent wasn't strong enough to forgive and forget the many slights they receive. How do you determine the limits without damaging the possible relationships?

-------------------------
See what I mean? Pretty stiff stuff, huh? That’s the sort of discussion that keeps me anxious for each week’s next Sunday School class. I would encourage you to find a class like this for yourself. It’ll keep you from getting complacent about this life you have been granted. It’ll keep you thinking about who you really are in the Grand Scheme of things. Or, if you’re in Western Arkansas on a Sunday morning around 10:30, come on to East Side Baptist Church and find Pete Ramsey’s class. But bring your thinking cap - you’ll need it!

PLEASE COMMENT ON THIS TOPIC - WHETHER YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A CHRISTIAN OR NOT, I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK ... in other words, as a non-Christian, do you think it's hypocritical for Christians to preach "turn the other cheek" then call the police when someone keys their car? COMMENT, PLEASE!

It's Easier than you think!

I've got a shocking newsflash for you stepparents:
Stepparenting is much easier than you're making it!

Over the years, working with over a thousand stepfamilies, I've heard it all. From mean stepkid stories to ex-spouse horrors to marriage messes. But one thing that's common in most stepfamilies is that the stepparents are frustrated and worn down by the difficulty of it all.

Most stepparents had really good intentions going in. They were going to love their new partner and his or her kids with all their hearts and win them over. Maybe even straighten out a few bad behaviors and make them a perfect family. It all seemed so easy and clear cut. Just apply love and enjoy the rewards!

But then the unexpected happened - perhaps your new spouse seemed to give their child preference over yours. Or they didn't follow your suggestions on how to better discipline their kids. Or, conversely, they started telling you how to raise your own kids. Or their kids ignored you ... or they ignored your kids ... or their kids ignored your kids. Something got in the way of your perfect picture and the colors began running together, just making a mess.

But, as I've told so many in our private sessions or our group meetings, "You're making a simple blessing into a hard, uncomfortable job." Stepparenting, when done right, is a very simple prospect. So, why do most - the vast majority in fact - of stepfamilies end in another divorce?

And there's a pretty simple answer ... pride.

Instead of moving into an ongoing family with the sincere intention of being an uplifting blessing to the family, so many of us go in looking for what they can do for us. And that's a certain recipe for failure! Jesus stated the formula for success pretty simply: "Do to others what/how/like you wish they'd do you." It ain't brain surgery, folks! But it is heart surgery.

When I can help a couple get their minds twisted back around to where they were at their wedding ceremony: "I am so blessed to become part of this wonderful family," They can begin re-building the hope. But far too many of you are hanging onto your "why are they so mean to me?" mind set. How many? Well, the divorce rate for second marriages is two out of every three; and the divorce rate for third marriages is around NINE out of TEN! That's how many.

Look, like I said, it ain't brain science or rocket surgery!

• Back off and let a parent do the parenting. 
• Don't stick your advice where it isn't directly asked for.
• Parent your own kids and leave the others' discipline to their own parent.
• If your toes get stepped on, go to the bathroom and put on a band aid.
• Be nice.
• Be kind.
• Act like you did to attract your spouse while you were dating.
• Be a friend / confidant / helper to your stepkids and that's all.
• Focus on being a perfect spouse to your spouse - that's the only job you signed on for!

I know, it's a lot more complicated than just saying "be perfect." I've faced my own multitudes of attacks, hateful glares, rude mouthings, and more as a stepdad. But as soon as I learned (and began applying) the principle that this is an easy job, it got much easier!

If you don't understand, don't get discouraged. This is advanced stepparenting stuff. Like how in college algebra they taught you all the hard formulas at first and then showed you the short cuts in advanced algebra. Well, here's the short cut: it's a lot easier than you're making it!

Still confused? Write me. I'll explain in more detail.

Meanwhile, relax. It can be fun. Really.

God bless y'all,

STEPcoach Bob Collins
stepcoach@gmail.com

STEPparenting LETTER: Invisible to the Ex??

In a new post to our newsletter members, I answered a member's question who felt like he was "Invisible to the Ex?? or: What Am I, Chopped Liver?"
Here's what I wrote:

A new member to the group (Welcome!!) writes:

"How do you handle it when your spouse's ex won't even look at you, acknowledge you or talk to you in anyway?"

Well, I know how many of our members would answer this question ... With cart wheels! or champaign! or some sort of celebration. Frankly, I hear much more about ex-es who acknowledge our members TOO much, from direct insults, to cutting them down to the kids, to snide remarks over the phone. But there are plenty with this same problem who feel the icy glare or the cold shoulder that says, "you're not worthy of my time or any of my attention."

And, while you didn't exactly marry your sweetheart to get close to her ex-spouse, those blank stares can leave you feelings pretty worthless and low!

A couple questions I'd ask the writer are, how long have you been married to your current spouse? and has the ex always been like this or is this something new?

First, if you've been married less than a year of two, it's fairly normal to still get a cold shoulder from your "new ex." It takes most folk a little while to get past the fact that the person they were once married to is now married to someone else. Although their own marriage relationship may be completely over (or it may not be TOTALLY over in their mind), the historical fact that they once were part of your new spouse is enough to keep those confusing thoughts alive. It can take two or even three or four years for an ex to accept the fact that their once-and-only has moved on.

One thing I've noticed is that when an ex becomes involved in a new relationship themselves, they can suddenly become much more accepting of their ex's progress. Something about jealousy or maybe even competition makes it more understandable when they've both moved on. So you might find yourself hoping that ex finds love for themselves!

However, if you were on decent terms with the ex, and that relationship has suddenly turned sour, ask yourself if you've done something to offend them. Not that you probably have, but that's just the easiest place to start. Think back honestly and see if you were out of sorts at some point and maybe snapped at them unintentionally. You may simply need to apologize to mend the fence.

Or they may have ended a relationship, as I was talking about before, and that makes them envious of your happiness with their ex. In that case, and if you can find out for sure that's what happened, sympathy might patch up the break.

Whatever the cause, it is always (always!) in your best interest to do all you reasonably can to maintain a good working relationship with your spouse's ex, as well as your own. These people may seem like the enemy or an outsider, but they are vital parts of your life. And they will be as long as your spouse and they have children alive together ... and grandchildren.

My whole stepfamily gave a sigh of relief when I made nice with my wife's ex-husband. When he and I could speak civilly over the phone, or shake hands at custody exchanges, everyone's life was made easier. Tensions between ex-es and spouses can lead to bitterness and battles you don't want to get into. If they are your enemy, they can infect vacation plans, date nights, child visits, child support exchanges, and ... well, pretty much every aspect of your new marriage.

Is that fair? Not really. Is it normal? Very much. Whenever you marry someone who has children with someone else, you should fully expect that child's other parent to take a strong interest in you and your part in helping raise their child. The huge importance of building a secure relationship between divorced moms and dads is why I wrote Guiding Your Children through Your Divorce . This is a vital foundation upon which your whole future will rest. It pays you to get it right!

And nothing can give a stepchild more reason to accept you into their heart than seeing both parents also accepting you.

STEPcoach Bob Collins

P.S. Feel free to write with your own stepparenting questions and I'll answer them here! You find many answers in our primary guidebook, Improving Your Stepfamily in 12 Steps , in our online bookstore .