Just Found: New Resource

I am really beginning to love Twitter! I know, I know - some folk think of Twitter as a way for kids or celebrities with too much time on their hands to tell WAY too much about themselves.
And it is that.

But it's also a super way to connect with like-minded businesses, individuals, and support organizations. That is where I've really come to appreciate this social network. And I just found another great resource for you (y'all) (youse guys):

WeParent is a neat web site with tons of useful information for divorced parents who are working together to raise their children right. As their "about" statement says:

We’re on a mission to support and facilitate a co-parenting “revolution” among African-American parents! We want to be support central for parents willing to face the challenges of co-parenting in order to enjoy the fulfillment of raising healthy, whole children.

I strongly encourage all my friends who are in divided families (and most of us are!) to check out the good folks at WeParent!

Have a super Summer!

STEPcoach Bob Collins
follow me on Twitter as
http://twitter.com/STEPcoach

Counseling Ladies Safely

How to privately, confidentially meet with an emotionally fragile wife without compromising her safety and my reputation is a tough issue that I, like all male ministers, counselors, and mediators must face. Recently, I read a good article on this topic by motivational (and funny) speaker, Mark Gungor on his blog. Among the comments, was this from a lady reader:

From a woman's perspective and my own personal experience it is my opinion that women go to men instead of women because men have the ability to re-frame a woman's problem in boxes and take the emotion of the problem. If a woman is having emotional problems she does not want to go to an emotional being to fix the problem. The times that I used to go to men for situations I was struggling with, the guy would be able to articulate my problem without the emotion of it and put it in his boxes which helped me to see it differently and take care of it. Sometimes going to women just added to the emotion in the my head. HOWEVER, this does not give women an excuse to put men in a situation where they are tempted. I think what I have experienced is that once a man sorts your problem and put it in boxes the women wants him to do it again and again. I agree highly that women should mentor other women and getting a mans opinion occasionally is fine.

Ladies am I right????

I was impressed by her insight that sometimes women want to know how men view their problems. I replied:

I think you’re right that women appreciate having a man compartmentalize their emotional dilemmas for them. As a Christian family mediator, I am often approached by wives or ex-wives wanting me to help them get a message across to their mate or ex so they can begin solving the problems. I rarely meet with these women without their spouse or ex (that’s the whole purpose of mediation, to get THEM communicating), but in initial sessions we do sometimes meet alone.

On those occasions I always alert two of the secretaries at the church to help me by “patrolling” past the half-window door to my meeting room several times where the client can see them. This gives me two safeties: the secretaries can bear witness that nothing untoward happened; and the client feels safer knowing other women are nearby.

It’s a dangerous (and litigious) world out there, so we have to be careful to protect ourselves and our reputations - but we also have a responsibility to serve hurting families. Balance and being “wise as a serpent but harmless as doves” are key to doing it right.
STEPcoach.com

If you've thought about seeking professional advice, guidance, or mediation, let me make two suggestions: first, make sure you know who you're talking to. Just picking a name out of a phone book or a web listing can be dangerous. It's a jungle out there, know whose advice you're getting. Ask a friend or pastor, research the person, go to someone you know.

Most all of my clients come from readers of my blog, articles, newsletter, or web site. They know a lot about me before they ever contact me.

Second, insist on a preliminary meeting to feel each other out. Any reputable coach or counselor should be willing to talk to you before setting a contract.

I always meet with potential clients to see if we "fit." Sometimes my mediation or coaching services aren't what they need. If not, I'll suggest someone else. Sometimes we just don't click - whether because of their personalities or because of other conflicts. Find out first.

For your own safety, and for mine, it is important to ... well, to "step carefully" when you seek out help in something as vital and personal as your own or your family's relationships. Investigate and be safe!

STEPcoach Bob Collins

P.S. if you're interested in relationship help from me - either formal mediation, or personal guidance coaching - contact me directly and we'll proceed s l o w l y to figure out exactly what you need to get your life happy again.

Kids Need Security

Every child needs to have a sense of security in order to have a healthy concept of the world. But children of divorce need that security even more than kids whose world is still together. Children whose parents have broken their home have a special need to know their lives are safe and their future is at least somewhat secure.

Security does not come from four walls or from three meals or from trust funds or bank accounts. Security does not come from a particular number of toys or gadgets, or the type car they are taken to school in, or from their parents' job titles. Security is not a function of money or things, of standing or dignity.

To a child whose parents have divorced, security is a safe family mold into which that child can settle. It is peace and quiet instead of fights and shouting. It is safe hugs instead of seclusion in their room, away from the chaos. Security comes from knowing their adults are sane, not obsessed or driven by hatred or revenge.

A child whose family has been torn apart needs to be able to see, hear, feel, and sense that order has been restored. Little nerves are easily shattered by loss, but not so easily repaired afterward. They need to see parents speaking to each other with calm demeanors. They need to hear their adults speaking to each other with some semblance of cooperation, if not respect. And they need to sense that the storms are finally breaking up; that there is a possibility for normalcy again.

Their hopes for the future depend on Mom and Dad demonstrating that they will make the effort to move past the past difficulties and disagreements. Maybe not to reconciliation (although every child with divorced parents prays and dreams they will reconcile someday), but at least past the anger to a willingness to work together for that child's needs, daily, weekly, and lifelong.

The child whose world has been shattered by angry adults needs those same adults to teach the child that peace is the next step. The child is waiting, almost with held breath, for Mom and Dad to say something decent, or, maybe, something kind, about the other parent. When that happens, the child feels a huge fear relent. He can begin to hope for some sort of a real life again. She can finally stop fearing another devastating explosion that tears at her heart as the two people most important to her hurt each other, and her.

Yes, that first civil word releases irrational hope for rebuilding. Of course, the child immediately begins hoping the insanity has ended and he can wake up from it like a horrible nightmare. And she will be disappointed when she realizes that Mom and Dad actually are going to stay apart, despite her dearest wishes and needs. But the disappointment is measured against her just-passed torture of their open hostility toward each other, so it is a bit more bearable. Though it still makes him sick in the pit of his stomach to know his family will never be right again.

Children of divorce need security. Only their blood parents can give it. Their parents took away their security and hope and peace. So you owe it to your child or children to bury your selfish anger and give them the blessings of peace.

Love, Joy, & ... Peace,
STEPcoach Bob Collins

Super Stepfamily Reports & Ebooks Available

Please hurry over HERE to pick up our exclusive series of guides for stepfamilies before they go up in price next week. Our price increase isn't going to be too harsh, but why not get these super helpers at their lower price now!

Reports include:
* 12 Steps to Improving Your Stepfamily's Communication - our groundbreaking basic guidelines for all stepfamilies to prevent conflicts and promote peace
* The Rule Book - a great, easy to use workbook to help you plan your family's success
* You're Not My Dad! - to help stepdads understand raising another man's kids
* You're Not My Mom! - written with the help of several stepmoms to love the hard-to-love
* Responsibility of A Lifetime - understanding what you need to give your new family
* Beat the Holiday Blues - plans and preparation for the holidays, when stepfamily challenges abound!

You can wait if you want, but eventually you'll need the information in these reports. They're still bargain priced so you can get one of each. The ebook format makes quick delivery possible and they're readable on your computer or your electronic book reader or PDF.

Whether you're a stepmom, a stepdad, married to one, or a stepgrandparent, you'll find great guidelines in these terrific resources. Go HERE to order your stepfamily success guides today at curent low prices.

Love, Joy, & Peace
STEPcoach Bob Collins

I'm in the Sun Sentinal! Cool!

Florida Sun Sentinal newspaper columnist, Rafael Olmeda, is a friend of mine from Twitter. Rafael writes a neat column about family and parenting here. He allowed me to brag about my wonderful stepfamily in his column this Memorial Day.

Read his column with my thoughts by following this link: http://blogs.trb.com/features/family/parenting/blog/2009/05/last_week_i_asked_a.html

I hope you can think of even more reasons to be thankful for your own stepfamily. If not, well, you might as well fake it as to complain! If you need help thinking of positive aspects of being in a blending family, let me know and I'll help you find reason to rejoice!

STEPcoach Bob Collins