Why can't most people be satisfied in married life?

As a teacher and mediator, I am often compelled to chime in on discussions online, in public forums, and sometimes just sitting in a coffeeshop eavesdropping. This column consists of one of those times I couldn't resist giving my opinion on what I feel is a very important question - why do people divorce so much? I hope you enjoy my answer - and I hope you will let me know what you think of my ideas. I welcome all comments and questions!

This is my answer to a question on the Quora website. Quora is a website of questions and answers to some of life's most difficult ... and sometimes silly ... questions. I responded to this question because I thought the reasons for the high levels of divorce are very important to our society, our families, and the children who will make up our future. You can find the original posting of this question and answer at [http://www.quora.com/Divorce/Why-cant-most-people-be-satisfied-in-married-life-Why-are-divorce-rates-so-high-around-the-world ]

Question: Why can't most people be satisfied in married life? Why are divorce rates so high around the world?
My answer:

I've developed my answer to this particular question over 16 years of intensive work with divorcing couples, dissatisfied married couples, and re-married couples ("blended families"), as well as my own divorce and second marriage. I honestly believe that some couples should not have married in the first place. I agree, generally, that marriages are entered into too lightly, with too little clear, logical thought.

Marriages like these are NOT true marriages, they are couples playing house on a temporary basis.
Marriage is a lifelong commitment. A sincere, legal, moral, and often religious vow is taken to never leave or forsake each other through any difficulties that may arise. If this vow is not a flippant lie, divorce is impossible. I've never heard vows (though I'm sure someone has made up some) that allow for escape possibilities - "till boredom do us part," "as long as you remain interesting to me," etc.

Divorce is always damaging. Period. Even when the couple "is cool with it." To have failed at a solemn vow degrades the personality and the soul. It makes the vow breaker think less of him/herself and makes all future commitments much weaker. When there are children involved, divorce is akin to abuse. Ask any child whose parents have divorced and they will tell you they wish their parents had resolved their differences and  remained married. The statistics of what damages are done to children of divorce are many, and all tell of children whose quality of life and happiness has been severely reduced.

But, the question is why people can't be satisfied in marriage (someone said correctly that divorce rates have dropped in the US dramatically in the last decade). My understanding, again based on 16 years of working intimately with divorced, divorcing, and remarried families, is that their understanding of commitment is flawed, often by parents who taught them and society which reinforced that they could have whatever they want, they have an innate right to be absolutely happy all the time, and because they have selfish desires for new adventures despite what effect satisfying those desires will have on others.

Unpopular ideas, I know ... but I've had far too many divorced/remarried people tell me those ideas are correct to doubt them. We want everything perfect and when our marriage relationships or home situations are not, we whine and run away. Society supports this dangerous behavior because the majority of society wants to keep that same option open for themselves.

Should some marriages be ended? Yes, but very few. I have successfully helped many, many couples rehabilitate their relationships who had experienced what society calls "deal breakers" - adultery, drug addiction, abuse, and betrayal of many sorts. These are only deal breakers if one or both sides are determined to give up and run away and abandon their vows.

Christians, in particular, have very few true reasons for divorce, and those are still excuses to lie. Yes, yes, yes, a woman (or a man) who is consistently abused by their spouse should get away from him and protect herself. But there are often alternatives to divorce. When children are involved, they must certainly be protected, but divorce of their two parents is not always the best, and certainly not the only solution. I've witnessed far too many families brought back to peace who were convinced divorce is the only solution.

... Now, if you'd like to see a few responses to my answer and my replies to those responses, visit the original Quora link at the beginning of this column. And, if you have any questions or comments for me, please just reply to this email message and I'll get it and reply as quickly as I can.

STEPcoach Bob Collins

Who Should Apologize First?

Once again, studying in a coffee shop leads me to surprises ... and insights.

Overheard from two young ladies chatting over lattes: "Well I really think he ought to apologize to me! He's the one who started it!"

"Do you think he'll apologize to you?"

"Oh, I doubt it. He never says he's sorry about anything and I'm getting tired of it. He always thinks everything's my fault. But this time, I'm not going to be the one who apologizes first!"

Who should apologize first? I get asked that a lot in therapy sessions. Individuals - ladies or men equally, it seems - are adamant that they shouldn't have to apologize unnecessarily. They will argue and rationalize  endlessly to protect their right to NOT apologize to their spouse. Amazing!

What is behind this passionate desire to not be found wrong? Only one thing fits that bill - pride.

In my pride, I will not admit that you were right ... or that you were even a little more right than I was. How many families has pride broken up? How many hearts has it broken?

The bible is pretty clear about God's view of pride:

"God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." James 4:6
"Pay back to the proud what they have coming." Psalms 94:2
"I will not put up with anyone with a proud heart." Psalm 101:5

Not good. Why does God hate pride so much, do you suppose? Well, let's look at the lady at the coffee shop. She was so determined that she would make her husband apologize, she was forgetting all about their relationship of love in order to beat him at a contest of pride.

Pride makes us try to hurt others so we can feel better about ourselves. In essence, pride makes us god of our lives and our world, rather than lovers and partners with our mates. Pride will eventually destroy relationships as you become jealous of your partner every time you don't "win." Being right becomes more important than your love for each other.

Q: Who should apologize first?
A: The first one who realizes they have caused pain to their partner should apologize first - and then not care whether their mate apologizes back.

Love doesn't mean never having to say you're sorry, as the movie line went. Instead, love actually means being willing to do whatever is necessary - including apologizing - in order to bless your sweetheart. Apologizing first is a win-win proposition. You apologize, they feel better, you feel better, everybody wins!

Do everything you can to keep your love alive and well.

STEPcoach Bob Collins

Jumping Off the Cliff

What lead you to get married again? After being burned so badly by your previous divorce(s), why did you - many of us very quickly - run back into another marriage?

Most of you will answer that you fell in love and hoped this time would be different and better. That this adventure into matrimony would not only work, but repair the harm from the last one. But, how could you bring yourself to walk back over that cliff?

I know that in my own case, I didn't walk, I sprinted toward my second marriage. I remember thinking a good three months before our wedding was scheduled to take place, "Why should we wait? Why not just get married TODAY?! We're in love, we are ready to start over, let's go!" I was held back only by the plans that were in place and the deposits that had been paid for the scheduled date. I was so much in love, I couldn't wait to start being happily married. Again.

As some of you probably know from our working together, the first two years of my new marriage was less blissful than expected. In fact, it was horrible. We jumped into it far too quickly and far too soon after our previous divorces. In retrospect, we should have spent a good two years (bare minimum!) learning about each other and figuring out how to blend our lives together - especially regarding her teenaged daughter's impact on our marriage!

If I'd paid closer attention in my university classes on psychology, I'd have seen that others had already studied this phenomenon of blindly walking off cliff walls. Back in 1960, two researchers named Gibson and Walk constructed a table to test depth perception in animals and babies. The table, as illustrated below:

was made of clear plexiglass under which was one half a table surface, and one half a drop off to the floor. In the experiment, very young babies - first animal then human - were placed on the "safe" side and encouraged to cross the glass table to the "unsafe" side. Animals almost never crossed, and many babies would not cross. But some babies were so focused on their parent's facial expressions that they happily crawled all the way to her. They were more interested in Mom's or Dad's smiling, encouraging faces that communicated it was OK to cross the divide than what their eyes told them.

Now "the Visual Cliff", as this experiment has become known, has real application in helping us understand why so many people ... people who are generally pretty clear headed ... will stumble out of the smoking wreckage of a horrible divorce, right into another relationship as quickly as they can find one.

We, like those trusting babies on the glass table, are so focused on the smiling, happy, beguiling faces of our new love interests (or other body parts besides their faces!), that, although we can see the drop off, we don't heed our body's natural warning responses.

"Dude! Stop! Can't you see you're leading us off a huge cliff, just like what we just fell from a few months ago? STOP!" To which we reply dreamily, "I can't stop. Sorry. Her ("eyes") are just so big and pretty and she keeps smiling at me and making me feel all warm inside," or "Don't be silly, Self! Can't you see how strong he is and how much he loves me? I just know it will be safe" ... to blindly crawl out into blank space where common sense tells me I'll crash to the bloodied rocks below, just like last time!

And off to the races we go!

Relationships, then, are clearly more important to us than safety, sight, experience, or common sense. Statistics tell us that our hearts will lead us where our eyes should force us to not go. Second marriages experience two divorces out of every three attempts, while more than three out of four third marriages fail. Got that? Two out of every three second marriages end in divorce!

The cliff is real! But we just keep on crawling. Why?

Because we NEED love. We need to have someone we can share the joy of life, as well as the fears of facing the world alone. And we are happy to ignore our brains to listen to the hopes of our hearts.

The bad news is that the odds are against you if you're in a stepfamily.
The good news is there is hope.

Yes, we need love; we need a partner to walk beside us. And that love is possible. Your marriage doesn't have to turn into a warning sign to others. It is possible to turn back from what may be looking like a disaster in the making. You just need help.

In sixteen years of working with stepfamilies, we've had OVER 90 PERCENT success helping you guys beat the odds. I'm still amazed at that number. We're not magic. What I teach isn't some arcane secret. I just help couples see the land mines clearly, then understand the best ways through the toughest times.

"The heart wants what it wants," as Dickinson said. Almost 100 percent of people who divorce get married again. We love that cliff.

If you're over the cliff, fearing that you've made a big mistake, and especially if you have children involved - don't give up. Don't freeze up and just wait for the drop to another crash. Get help. From me, from someone else, within yourself, wherever, just don't give up. Especially if there are children involved. Don't drag them into that abyss again.

Hold on and get across this time.

STEPcoach Bob Collins

Mediation/Coaching Is...

Some of you still wonder how I can help your family, your marriage.

I've explained my program a few times before, but here is a little video excerpt from a movie that pretty much shows what I do for my couples. Whether you're in a painful relationship or muddling through the difficult mission of parenting together after a divorce, I help with that.

In this video, I am the coach, and the two young athletes can represent any couple I work with - married, divorced, or just trying to keep life together.

If you need help getting your relationship and family running smoothly ... or just running again, email me. I'll be happy to talk to you about your situation.

I am open for any and all questions after you watch this.

STEPcoach Bob Collins

Words That Damage

[NOTE: This is a short excerpt from my guidebook for divorced parents, "Guiding Your Children Through Divorce;" full information is HERE] 

[Page 20]

Expressing anger felt toward the other spouse,
that is, criticizing, cutting down, attacking, or disrespecting the children’s other parent, either directly to the children or where they can overhear you talking to someone else or to the other parent. Problems caused by one parent attacking the other parent can go deep; and usually leads to the following effects:

1) It Causes Confusion — This is harmful first because it confuses children about which parent to believe (“Daddy says Mom is a liar and mean, but when I’m with her she seems so sweet and kind, so who’s lying, Daddy or Mom?”). Once a child’s innate trust of a parent is gone, it is hard to rebuild.

2) It Causes Loyalty Conflicts — which parent to support. Children have a tendency to see things as black or white, good or bad, his side or her side. Due to this viewpoint, when a child sees his parents separating in a divorce, he immediately perceives a two-sided issue. Which means the child is either on Mom’s side or Dad’s side. 

This mentality can cause a excessive stress for a child who wants the love and approval of both his parents. All to often, these children begin to show signs of feeling pulled apart and torn between two “sides” in a conflict. The child feels they must choose between Mom or Dad, which leads to internal conflicts of being “against” the other parent.

3) It Causes Authority Damage — causes children to disrespect the attacker. As we’ve seen before, a child resents anyone who attacks her parent, even her other parent. Criticizing or badmouthing your ex damages your own standing in your children’s eyes, causing them to lose respect in your authority.

So, what's the solution: determine to never fight again in front of children — The obvious solution would be to never, ever be guilty of attacking your children’s other parent. Unfortunately, due to emotions and a lack of self-control, many divorced parents find they don’t have the will power to behave in an intelligent, mature manner toward the person their children loves. In some cases, these parents honestly try to control their words and behavior, but are simply too weak to do so.

In most cases, however, parents who belittle and criticize the people their children love are simply unconcerned for their children’s feelings. They plead they are “just too mad” at their child’s other parent to choose to control themselves. They act out their selfish needs to retaliate and ruin their relationships with their own children, and often damage their children in the process. Some feel that ignoring the needs of their children is child abuse. 

[NOTE: This discussion is continued in "Guiding Your Children Through Divorce;" full information is HERE]