Summer Short-Shorts

Saw much more than I wanted to again this morning of a young lady as I was heading into my favorite family restaurant. I wondered if they were switching to Hooters or the Playboy club, but no, it was just a girl going out for breakfast during the Summer. Her tiny shorts were more like a bathing suit bottom than short pants!


And I thought again, "Does her dad have any idea she's flashing his daughter around like that?" He may, or he may not care. The "standards" today are almost non-existent.


And before you start calling me a prude, think how our new standards are affecting life in the US. Rape, physical assault, and attitudes about what's normal have been changed immensely in just the last 20 years. Just one generation ago, prostitutes weren't allowed to wear in public what our precious children now wear to the mall, restaurants, or even church!


When parents stop caring how provocatively their children dress or what their children consider "decent," their children will go as far as they can ... then allow their children to go even further. That's your grandkids I'm talking about now!


"B-b-but," you stammer, "what can I do about it? She's practically a grown woman! I don't have any right to criticize her, do I?"

In Deuteronomy 4:9, we're instructed, "Be careful never to forget what you yourself have seen. Do not let these memories escape from your mind as long as you live! And be sure to pass them on to your children and grandchildren."

In other words, you are to tell your kids what you've learned about the results of being too loose and unconcerned about your body, morals, or reputation. You, yourself will suffer from how your children display themselves in public, because anyone who sees your daughter running around nearly naked is going to place most of the blame on you for the way you brought her up and what you didn't teach her. You will be judged by how you have raised your kids ... you know that. You feel it every time your kids throw a fit in public and everyone's eyes swing from the kids to you.


Then, there's the repercussions on the kids, themselves (and your grandchildren, too). Jeremiah 5:7-10 says: 

"How can I pardon you? For even your children have turned from me. They have sworn by gods that are not gods at all! I fed my people until they were full. But they thanked me by committing adultery and lining up at the brothels.  

8 They are well-fed, lusty stallions, each neighing for his neighbor’s wife.

9 Should I not punish them for this?” says the LORD. “Should I not avenge myself against such a nation?

10 “Go down the rows of the vineyards and destroy the grapevines, leaving a scattered few alive. Strip the branches from the vines, for these people do not belong to the LORD"

Wow! What a clear picture of our kids today! They've been given everything, but they've turned their backs on everything we know and should have taught them to respect! "Well-fed, lusty stallions" indeed! Doesn't that sound like the boys strutting around demanding respect they've not earned?


And then God almost cries out His frustration over how our kids act (and don't you feel it, too?) "Shouldn't I punish them for acting out so badly?"


Don't you owe it to your kids to warn them what they're doing to you and themselves and to their children? Whose responsibility is it to teach them right from wrong, if not yours? And who will have to deal with the results of their falling away from the standards that helped raise them? 


One last point: The time to teach your adult children right from wrong is Now. Proverbs 22:6 says

"Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."

Start with your preschool kids, teaching them modesty. Continue into elementary and middle school, guiding them to wear decent clothes, not the latest fads that try to turn little girls into adults too soon. And keep after them as teens to act in a way they will be proud to look back on as they grow up. 


Whether they're your biological or your stepkids, you are the ones responsible to demonstrate a good example. As a stepdad, I wasn't directly held responsible for how my stepdaughter looked and acted, but I had the opportunity to guide her toward how she should act and what she should expect from boys she dated.


If it's tough - it's just part of parenting and stepparenting. But you'll be proud of them later on when they continue to live the way you've taught them.


God bless y'all!


STEPcoach, Bob Collins

How to Not Get Bit

My ol' Pappy used to say (as Rockford would put it) if any of the neighbors ever get a puppy that has any chance of turning into a big, mean dog, As quick as you can, get to their house with some hamburger and a doggy toy.

That way, when that puppy grows up and gets out (and he will get out sometime!), he'll always remember you as his buddy and be less inclined to rip you limb from limb.

Well, the same holds true - for those of you with the common sense not to get bit by a mean dog - for stepparents and stepkids.

If you marry someone who has a child you don't get along with too well - which is to be expected since you're the stranger who's intent on stealing their parent - you might do well to keep on that child's good side. Because one of these days that cranky-but-small child will turn into a large, sullen teenager, then a larger, sullener adult.

I'm not talking about bribery ... not out right, anyway. But, just as it makes sense to get the puppy on your side with some hamburger and a play toy so he won't bite you later - it also makes sense to be the person who that large, sullen teen has a good relationship with.

And, besides just protecting your own rear from getting chewed off by a full grown attack dog, that teenaged boy or girl may need an adult they can trust when the mean-uglies come calling at 13 or 16 years of age. Many a grown-up attributes their salvation to an adult friend when they were in the crabby years. You could be that savior who keeps them from melting down.

Your spouse - the puppy's stressed biological parent - will undoubtably appreciate your efforts too, which can only mean good stuff for you. Some bio-parents have been known to get all moony eyed and cuddly at the sight of their new spouse and their child happily involved in any activity that keeps the child quiet and off their back.

So instead of seeing that stepchild as a challenge and a potential improvement project, try looking at him or her as a soon-to-be play buddies whom you can take to ball games, movies, and out for pizza. Mom or Dad will love you even more, the puppy in question will feel less need to chase you away, and you an feel good about yourself for avoiding a daily battle with a big ol' hairy attack dog!

Bless each other (or else!),
STEPdad Bob Collins

Surviving Summer Visits!

Summer brings mosquito bites, sunburn, and custody swaps for most stepfamilies. Following divorce and remarriage, many divorce/child custody agreements provide for special times while school is out for the kids to visit with their non-custodial parents.

Oh joy. Now we get to figure out how to adapt to something even more disruptive! Just when we were starting to find some sort of routine around the madhouse, we toss it all and play new games.

Now, before you hop a freighter for the islands, we have a few suggestions on how to survive the summertime custody swaps. Working with thousands of stepfamilies around the world, we've received some great tips from stepmoms and dads, and here we share them with you ...

* If your kids do have to travel to visit Mom or Dad, don’t whine about it. Family ties are important to all children, but especially so for stepkids. After spending all year in a new home with new family members to adjust to, your kids probably will feel relieved to be back around familiar faces. Let them.

* One mother said that her feelings about her kids being gone for the summer could be summed up in one word: Hallelujah! At first she felt guilty about enjoying their absence, but, she says, she realized that they were having fun, so she might as well, too. Now, while she looks forward to their phone calls and their return, she plans special times just for her husband and herself.

* If kids come to visit you for the summer, don’t neglect them. Whether they are your own children, for whom your spouse has custody, or your stepkids, make them part of everything that goes on. They are not enemy spies from the ex. They are children hoping to have some enjoyment during a special time of the year, in a place that is not their home.

* Make a place for visiting stepkids to feel at home. Some families hardly provide a drawer for them, since they visit rarely. That’s shameful! They’re not pets dropped off on you for a kennel stay. They are children who are basically at the mercy of your courtesies.

* If you live in a small house and have little extra money, be creative. Save up and buy (or even borrow) some furniture - a bed, a chest of drawers - it doesn’t have to be a lot. The point is to make an effort just for them out of love.

* Wear thicker skin over the summer. If the pressures build, be careful that you don’t damage relationships you have to maintain throughout the rest of the year. Someone has to be the adult, it might as well be you. Even if no one else appreciates your strength, you can feel proud of yourself when the dust settles!

This topic is covered in more detail on our website in an expanded article: Summertime Blues! , and in our booklets, "12 Steps to Improving Your Stepfamily’s Communication," "You’re Not My Dad!," and  "You’re Not My Mom!"

God bless y'all,

STEPcoach Bob Collins

Mother's Day? Again?!

Among stepmoms I know, this is a very unpopular holiday. If you're reading this, you probably agree with them.

Mother's Day was instituted in 1914 when President Wilson agreed to Anna Marie Jarvis's request for a national holiday to honor the mothers who were raising America's next generation of citizens. She regretted her decision many times before she died in 1948, saying, "wished she would have never started the day because it became so out of control ..."

And, if you're a stepmom who works hard all year long to help take care of your stepchildren, only to be ignored on Mother's Day - you probably agree with Jarvis!

Face it, if you married a man who had children from a previous relationship in the hope you'd get the love and affection of a mother, you were nuts! The vast majority of stepchildren (God bless 'em!) can't even remember your name on Mother's Day, much less to get you a card or candy or some freakin' flowers!

But they sure remember their biological mom, don't they? You know, that woman who whines and gripes about having to allow their dad any time at all with them; who never seems to remember to send the right clothes when they do get to visit; and who refers to you as "that woman" when she even acknowledges all you do for her kids! She may send them over dirty, hungry, and hopped up on high fructose corn syrup, but to them, she's the only woman in their lives.

How many loads of laundry have you done for her kids? How many meals have you cooked? How many times have you tucked them in and kissed them good night? And how many times have you told them you love them ... only to get no thanks for any of it?

Mother's Day! Bah humbug!

After all, you signed up for cards and candy and flowers, didn't you? Didn't you?

What? That's not why you married into this hillbilly clan?

Oh, yes. That's right. You joined them because you were in love with their daddy, and you didn't mind that he brought along some "baggage." You came into this family with your eyes wide open, your arms outstretched, and your heart full of love.

And that love is still there. Somewhere behind the sticky jelly sandwiches, the smelly clothes, and the shrugs of partial acceptance.

That's what Mother's Day is all about for stepmoms. I hope you get a pretty card, a box of sweets, and a beautiful bouquet of flowers. But if you don't - and most of you won't - I hope you can remember that your love for them far surpasses the trite little gifts they may give to their bio-mom. Your love goes all the way through their daddy to their needs and their tears you help dry.

You are the glue Anna Marie Jarvis and President Wilson had in mind when they were trying to commemorate the ones who nurture our children, who shape our future. You are the picture of Christ's love to children who might reject and resent it, but who need it to overcome their wounds from their parents' divorce. And you are the one who they will remember one day as loving them no matter what they said or didn't say.

So happy Stepmother's Day to you dear, strong ladies. God bless you for your dedication, your courage, and for your love.

God bless y'all,

STEPcoach Bob Collins
stepcoach@gmail.com

What Are Your Rights?

One of my favorite times of the entire week is Sunday morning, 10:45. Our Sunday School class is refreshing, invigorating, and challenging … and fun. Pete Ramsey has been teaching our class since its creation a few years ago, and one of his secrets of success is allowing this classroom full of latent scholars the freedom to contribute, interject, and even argue with his lessons.

But underlying the participatory nature of the discussions, the teacher’s preparation lays the ground work for our lively lessons. A key to this sort of forum is providing topics to keep our minds popping and our ideas flowing. And we’re not talking about your typical topics, such as “why did Sarah insist on Hagar’s substitution for bearing a son,” or “what are the symbols in Isaac’s near sacrifice?” We, in this Adult 3 class, have all been through the easy stuff like that. Rather, the teacher digs way below the surface to mine the hardest minerals.

From this last week’s discussion questions:
* How does God want His people to respond to the aggression of others? - OK, this is sort of basic. It takes you back to a consideration of the Old Testament’s God of Wrath versus the New Testament’s Grace Gospel of forgiveness. But the bite comes in the second part of the question:
* Does the Christian have any rights? If so, what are they? - Ah-ha! Rights! Of course we want to stand up for our rights. But what rights are we talking about? Do we have the right to demand recompense in a court of law for wrongs done us in this world? Hmmm? “Of course we do”? But aren’t we taught to give more than is taken from us? To turn the other cheek? and how many times? “Seven times seventy.” A colloquialism for “as many as it takes.”

Was Christ more interested in our worldly rights to equal justice and equal standing among the rest of the inhabitants of this life? Or was His teaching more about sacrifice for the purpose of leading others to Him? When Jesus tells us daily, “If someone steals your coat, give him your shirt, too,” where does that leave us about filing charges against a pick-pocket, or a burglar, or a mugger, even? Or, for that matter, how is Christ asking us to respond to the mugger standing before us with a gun, demanding our money or our life?

As we delve deeper into these sort of painful questions, we are actually being asked to answer the question, Who are we? Are we just people, like everyone else, who just happen to go to church and call ourselves Christians? Or are we a holy, sanctified body, representing Jesus Christ Himself, as his ambassadors and His face to a lost world who needs to see Him?

WHAT ABOUT STEPPARENTS?
And, to steer the discussion directly to the subject of this blog, how does this principle apply to stepparenting? Do stepparents have rights? Of course. But should we insist upon those rights to respect, to recompense, to politeness from our stepkids? Is it prudent to start demanding that our stepkids smile and sweetly say "Hello, dear stepparent; thank you for your sacrifices and your consideration"? Is it realistic?

Sure, we have the right to require that - we've certainly earned it! But how much more trouble will we stir up if we begin being pushy about what we want? I've seen many a marriage endangered just because the stepparent wasn't strong enough to forgive and forget the many slights they receive. How do you determine the limits without damaging the possible relationships?

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See what I mean? Pretty stiff stuff, huh? That’s the sort of discussion that keeps me anxious for each week’s next Sunday School class. I would encourage you to find a class like this for yourself. It’ll keep you from getting complacent about this life you have been granted. It’ll keep you thinking about who you really are in the Grand Scheme of things. Or, if you’re in Western Arkansas on a Sunday morning around 10:30, come on to East Side Baptist Church and find Pete Ramsey’s class. But bring your thinking cap - you’ll need it!

PLEASE COMMENT ON THIS TOPIC - WHETHER YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A CHRISTIAN OR NOT, I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK ... in other words, as a non-Christian, do you think it's hypocritical for Christians to preach "turn the other cheek" then call the police when someone keys their car? COMMENT, PLEASE!