It's Easier than you think!

I've got a shocking newsflash for you stepparents:
Stepparenting is much easier than you're making it!

Over the years, working with over a thousand stepfamilies, I've heard it all. From mean stepkid stories to ex-spouse horrors to marriage messes. But one thing that's common in most stepfamilies is that the stepparents are frustrated and worn down by the difficulty of it all.

Most stepparents had really good intentions going in. They were going to love their new partner and his or her kids with all their hearts and win them over. Maybe even straighten out a few bad behaviors and make them a perfect family. It all seemed so easy and clear cut. Just apply love and enjoy the rewards!

But then the unexpected happened - perhaps your new spouse seemed to give their child preference over yours. Or they didn't follow your suggestions on how to better discipline their kids. Or, conversely, they started telling you how to raise your own kids. Or their kids ignored you ... or they ignored your kids ... or their kids ignored your kids. Something got in the way of your perfect picture and the colors began running together, just making a mess.

But, as I've told so many in our private sessions or our group meetings, "You're making a simple blessing into a hard, uncomfortable job." Stepparenting, when done right, is a very simple prospect. So, why do most - the vast majority in fact - of stepfamilies end in another divorce?

And there's a pretty simple answer ... pride.

Instead of moving into an ongoing family with the sincere intention of being an uplifting blessing to the family, so many of us go in looking for what they can do for us. And that's a certain recipe for failure! Jesus stated the formula for success pretty simply: "Do to others what/how/like you wish they'd do you." It ain't brain surgery, folks! But it is heart surgery.

When I can help a couple get their minds twisted back around to where they were at their wedding ceremony: "I am so blessed to become part of this wonderful family," They can begin re-building the hope. But far too many of you are hanging onto your "why are they so mean to me?" mind set. How many? Well, the divorce rate for second marriages is two out of every three; and the divorce rate for third marriages is around NINE out of TEN! That's how many.

Look, like I said, it ain't brain science or rocket surgery!

• Back off and let a parent do the parenting. 
• Don't stick your advice where it isn't directly asked for.
• Parent your own kids and leave the others' discipline to their own parent.
• If your toes get stepped on, go to the bathroom and put on a band aid.
• Be nice.
• Be kind.
• Act like you did to attract your spouse while you were dating.
• Be a friend / confidant / helper to your stepkids and that's all.
• Focus on being a perfect spouse to your spouse - that's the only job you signed on for!

I know, it's a lot more complicated than just saying "be perfect." I've faced my own multitudes of attacks, hateful glares, rude mouthings, and more as a stepdad. But as soon as I learned (and began applying) the principle that this is an easy job, it got much easier!

If you don't understand, don't get discouraged. This is advanced stepparenting stuff. Like how in college algebra they taught you all the hard formulas at first and then showed you the short cuts in advanced algebra. Well, here's the short cut: it's a lot easier than you're making it!

Still confused? Write me. I'll explain in more detail.

Meanwhile, relax. It can be fun. Really.

God bless y'all,

STEPcoach Bob Collins
stepcoach@gmail.com

STEPparenting LETTER: Invisible to the Ex??

In a new post to our newsletter members, I answered a member's question who felt like he was "Invisible to the Ex?? or: What Am I, Chopped Liver?"
Here's what I wrote:

A new member to the group (Welcome!!) writes:

"How do you handle it when your spouse's ex won't even look at you, acknowledge you or talk to you in anyway?"

Well, I know how many of our members would answer this question ... With cart wheels! or champaign! or some sort of celebration. Frankly, I hear much more about ex-es who acknowledge our members TOO much, from direct insults, to cutting them down to the kids, to snide remarks over the phone. But there are plenty with this same problem who feel the icy glare or the cold shoulder that says, "you're not worthy of my time or any of my attention."

And, while you didn't exactly marry your sweetheart to get close to her ex-spouse, those blank stares can leave you feelings pretty worthless and low!

A couple questions I'd ask the writer are, how long have you been married to your current spouse? and has the ex always been like this or is this something new?

First, if you've been married less than a year of two, it's fairly normal to still get a cold shoulder from your "new ex." It takes most folk a little while to get past the fact that the person they were once married to is now married to someone else. Although their own marriage relationship may be completely over (or it may not be TOTALLY over in their mind), the historical fact that they once were part of your new spouse is enough to keep those confusing thoughts alive. It can take two or even three or four years for an ex to accept the fact that their once-and-only has moved on.

One thing I've noticed is that when an ex becomes involved in a new relationship themselves, they can suddenly become much more accepting of their ex's progress. Something about jealousy or maybe even competition makes it more understandable when they've both moved on. So you might find yourself hoping that ex finds love for themselves!

However, if you were on decent terms with the ex, and that relationship has suddenly turned sour, ask yourself if you've done something to offend them. Not that you probably have, but that's just the easiest place to start. Think back honestly and see if you were out of sorts at some point and maybe snapped at them unintentionally. You may simply need to apologize to mend the fence.

Or they may have ended a relationship, as I was talking about before, and that makes them envious of your happiness with their ex. In that case, and if you can find out for sure that's what happened, sympathy might patch up the break.

Whatever the cause, it is always (always!) in your best interest to do all you reasonably can to maintain a good working relationship with your spouse's ex, as well as your own. These people may seem like the enemy or an outsider, but they are vital parts of your life. And they will be as long as your spouse and they have children alive together ... and grandchildren.

My whole stepfamily gave a sigh of relief when I made nice with my wife's ex-husband. When he and I could speak civilly over the phone, or shake hands at custody exchanges, everyone's life was made easier. Tensions between ex-es and spouses can lead to bitterness and battles you don't want to get into. If they are your enemy, they can infect vacation plans, date nights, child visits, child support exchanges, and ... well, pretty much every aspect of your new marriage.

Is that fair? Not really. Is it normal? Very much. Whenever you marry someone who has children with someone else, you should fully expect that child's other parent to take a strong interest in you and your part in helping raise their child. The huge importance of building a secure relationship between divorced moms and dads is why I wrote Guiding Your Children through Your Divorce . This is a vital foundation upon which your whole future will rest. It pays you to get it right!

And nothing can give a stepchild more reason to accept you into their heart than seeing both parents also accepting you.

STEPcoach Bob Collins

P.S. Feel free to write with your own stepparenting questions and I'll answer them here! You find many answers in our primary guidebook, Improving Your Stepfamily in 12 Steps , in our online bookstore .

5 Surprising Ways to Improve Your Marriage in 2011

Although I rarely post other bloggers' articles, this one was so useful I couldn't resist sharing it with you, my dear friends. Be sure and let me know your thoughts on these topics.

Written by Melissa 

For me, 2010 was a year of personal discovery.
Mr. Right and my two step kids came along for the ride.
We accomplished some awesome personal goals. We found and donated a meteorite. We dealt with heartache on a level you may never understand if you are not divorced or raising kids from a previous marriage.
At times, we felt anger, fear and resentment toward each other.
But not more than we felt happiness, love and contentment.
The scales tipped in our favor.
With the end of year near, I wanted to share some things that improved my marriage in 2010. When I sat down to write this post, I realized the improvements didn’t directly involve Mr. Right. While things like date nights, having sex and communication no doubt improve a marriage, the things that really made a difference were much more unique.
All of the ideas on this list helped us grow – both as a couple – and as individuals.
Today, we are deeper in love.
And here’s a bold statement, but a true one:
We are happier today than we were on our wedding day.
Why? Because we’ve each made an effort to take the bad in life and improve it. Which has affected everything –  our marriage, our kids, ourselves.
Here are five surprising ways to improve your marriage and inspire those around you:

Get out of debt.

This year, we finally did it. With the final car payment made, we demolished our $42,000 debt snowball. Besides our mortgage, we are completely debt free; for the first time since we met, we have money in savings. That’s an amazing feeling.
Don’t be deceived – the process to get out of debt wasn’t easy. At times, we argued. The kids asked, “Are we poor now?” There were months we totally blew our budget.
The good news is – it’s possible. Even if you’re a twit about money, like me. Learn more by reading:
The Married Money Management series by Dustin @Engaged Marriage.
Get Out of Debt with the Debt Snowball Plan by Dave Ramsey.

Quit your day job.

Before you jump to conclusions about this tip, hear me out.
This June, I quit my day job. Up until then, our family lived within a whir of constant chaos. We were stressed out, burned out, used up.  We were doing a lot of things, but nothing very well.
By getting out of debt, we were able to downsize our lifestyle to live on one income. This let me opt out of the rat race to be at home. Now, I work on freelance projects while the kids are at school.
When they come home, I switch into mortar mode – taking care of the homework, teacher’s notes, dinner and cleaning up before Mr. Right even walks through the door.
It’s improved our life in a major way. We’re all a lot less stressed.
Here’s the post that made me believe I could quit.

Try minimalism.

Getting out of debt and living a downsized lifestyle are related to minimalism. If you’ve never learned about it but want to try, my advice is to start small.
For instance, I’m just wrapping up a minimalist clothing experiment myself. The idea was to wear only 33 items for 3 months. My take on it?
I like it.
A lot.
I’ll never go back to my bloated closet again. Sometime in January, I’m giving away most of the clothes I now realize I don’t need or use.
If you want to learn more about how to minimize areas of your life, read:
The Dress with Less Challenge by Courtney Carver
A Guide to Creating a Minimalist Home by Leo Babauta
101 Physical Things That Can Be Reduced In Your Home by Joshua Becker

Each week, go on a digital sabbatical.

Instead of spending the weekend trolling Facebook, zoned out to another reality TV show or Tweeting – turn it all off and actually live your life. Be present with your kids. Talk to your spouse. Hear your own thoughts. Disconnect from distraction at least once a week and notice how peace descends.

Shrug off the burden of doing it all.

This world is filled with pressure.
Pressure to be skinny, pressure to get kids involved, pressure to be happy.
I felt it all the time before some of the changes above. I pushed myself to be productive. My house was spotless. My schedule, tightly packed.
I was also stressed to the max, irritable and on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Now, I’m still productive. I still take on a lot. Instead, I get to choose what to carry. I’ve shrugged off the world’s burden of doing it all.
My message to you is simple, just like the title of this blog.
If you want a better marriage, do things that improve your life and future. If you’re unhappy, get off the couch and do something about it. I’m not saying that to be mean or arrogant, though it might sound that way. I’m telling you this because years ago, a certain girl I know really needed to hear it. Maybe you need to hear it now.
New year, new you?
You decide.
ABOUT THE WRITER

Melissa is a step mom, wife, editor, columnist and laundry fairy who decided to focus on amazing work this year by doing what she loves: writing. She hopes to inspire others through her blog, Peace & Projects, by sharing what makes her tick: fitness, organizing, simplifying, loving, learning and getting stuff done. She and Mr. Right are dedicated to making their blended family work for almost eight years now. So are: Little Boy, Little Girl and The Dog. Read her full bio here.

How will American Christians Cope?

I get emails and newsletters every day, speculating about the collapse of the American economy and what it will mean to us, as Christians, as our civil and religious freedoms are taken away. We've seen the 10 Commandments removed from public; God, Jesus, the Bible, and Christianity in history verboten in schools; Cursing Jesus' name is OK, but praising it is ridiculed or forbidden; evolution the new state religion; constitutional foundations cast aside as old fashioned ... on and on and on. What does all this mean to us, to individual Christians and to our children and our families?

I can tell you exactly what it all means to us - relatively little! People, of all the  American citizens, WE have the least to be concerned about. Why? Because we have been through all this and much worse before! Time and time again!

We like to ignore history because it's hard to keep up with, and it's uncomfortable to think of how things have been before. I don't know about your (step)children, but for mine getting her interested in history was like trying to feed her spinach! But if you push your children (and yourself) to take a bit of time to look back, you'll be very encouraged by what you see ... eventually.

Just after Jesus' resurrection and ascension, the brand new baby church was almost snuffed out by the current general public. Civil religious rights? How about being shunned by businesses and government services? How about a school system that taught our kids to actually worship idols? How about being hustled out of our beds and homes in the middle of the night to be dragged into mock courts where we were charged with everything under the sun, found guilty without representation or recourse? How about having your family taken from you and probably tortured and killed? How about being the entertainment for a blood thirsty mob as you are murdered publicly in cruel and imaginative ways?

In the Dark Ages, we true Christians even had these things done to us by "The Church." If we refused to accept the world government's twisted version of Christianity, the very religion (in name) that we followed would jail, torture, or kill us!

Even following the Great Enlightening and the Reformation, which broke the monopoly of the false Catholic church, we were subject to the nearest king's warped ideas of how we should worship, pray, or even believe. When we finally got miraculous freedom to worship publicly and we gained some influence over our own lives here in this new experiment of America, we saw enemies confront us on every front.

Despite political challenges, evolution, and a slowly eroding government, we have been able to relax into our illusion of security, forgetting where we have been and what we have come through to get here. We have found it easy and comfortable to think we have permanent home here in this world, when Jesus Himself regularly reminded us that we are strangers in a hostile land. We used to sing songs that were to serve as reminders: This World Is Not My Home, I'm only passing through, among others. But history is just to pesky to remember. And we've let ourselves and our children get lazy and complacent about our real position in a lost world.

And so, here we are again, about to be shaken from our reverie and woken to the harsh reality that we are Christians in a lost world. We may lose our temporary liberties to exercise our beliefs freely and openly. We may lose the right to worship at the corner church or promote our convictions in elections or wear t-shirts or bumper stickers that shout our ideals to the world. And we may feel really, really put upon and downtrodden and persecuted. And we may in fact be outlawed.

But, whatever else we lose, whatever else is taken away from us (or pried from our cold, dead fingers), Christians - true Christians will never lose our faith. Just as school boards may insist on no prayer in schools, but our kids can still pray silently whenever they want, in the same way we, their parents, can never be stopped from believing in our hearts that Jesus Christ is the way, the truth, and the life. We may have to use codes, as some of our ancestors did in Ireland or Poland, but we will still be able to encourage each other. We may meet in back rooms and basements, but we will still pray and praise together.

So my idea of preparing for hard times is not to stockpile gold or bonds. Rather I'm concentrating on increasing my dependence on God's providence, my familiarity with scriptures, and leading my family into a greater understanding of those Words of life. I know that, no matter what happens with the government, the economy, the ecology, the world community, or even the New World Order, my God will still answer prayer, He will still watch over His children, and He will provide for His own.

If we only survive a few years or months or weeks as fugitives and secret worshipers, we will leave others behind who know the truth and who know how to share it. And we will still have a wonderful, perfect future to look forward to in Heaven, then the New Earth with our God and our family. And it will be unimaginably better than anything we have had here, in America, over the last couple of centuries.

So, bring it on world, and Come Lord Jesus, Come!

STEPcoach (and Christian!) Bob Collins

Love On Me.flv

I just found this, while searching for class materials, and thought you'd appreciate it. The singer/writer is telling of his relationship with his stepdad. Title of the song is "Love On Me" by Jeff Payne. His site is at http://hismessagemedia.com/

Enjoy!



All rights reverved. Entire song copyrighted 2008 by DTJ Music, a division of DTJ Marketing Inc., Nashville, TN 615-469-5883. Written by J. Alan (Jeff) Payne. Used by permission.

What do you think of this song? What does it make you think of? How's your relationship with your stepparents?