5 Surprising Ways to Improve Your Marriage in 2011

Although I rarely post other bloggers' articles, this one was so useful I couldn't resist sharing it with you, my dear friends. Be sure and let me know your thoughts on these topics.

Written by Melissa 

For me, 2010 was a year of personal discovery.
Mr. Right and my two step kids came along for the ride.
We accomplished some awesome personal goals. We found and donated a meteorite. We dealt with heartache on a level you may never understand if you are not divorced or raising kids from a previous marriage.
At times, we felt anger, fear and resentment toward each other.
But not more than we felt happiness, love and contentment.
The scales tipped in our favor.
With the end of year near, I wanted to share some things that improved my marriage in 2010. When I sat down to write this post, I realized the improvements didn’t directly involve Mr. Right. While things like date nights, having sex and communication no doubt improve a marriage, the things that really made a difference were much more unique.
All of the ideas on this list helped us grow – both as a couple – and as individuals.
Today, we are deeper in love.
And here’s a bold statement, but a true one:
We are happier today than we were on our wedding day.
Why? Because we’ve each made an effort to take the bad in life and improve it. Which has affected everything –  our marriage, our kids, ourselves.
Here are five surprising ways to improve your marriage and inspire those around you:

Get out of debt.

This year, we finally did it. With the final car payment made, we demolished our $42,000 debt snowball. Besides our mortgage, we are completely debt free; for the first time since we met, we have money in savings. That’s an amazing feeling.
Don’t be deceived – the process to get out of debt wasn’t easy. At times, we argued. The kids asked, “Are we poor now?” There were months we totally blew our budget.
The good news is – it’s possible. Even if you’re a twit about money, like me. Learn more by reading:
The Married Money Management series by Dustin @Engaged Marriage.
Get Out of Debt with the Debt Snowball Plan by Dave Ramsey.

Quit your day job.

Before you jump to conclusions about this tip, hear me out.
This June, I quit my day job. Up until then, our family lived within a whir of constant chaos. We were stressed out, burned out, used up.  We were doing a lot of things, but nothing very well.
By getting out of debt, we were able to downsize our lifestyle to live on one income. This let me opt out of the rat race to be at home. Now, I work on freelance projects while the kids are at school.
When they come home, I switch into mortar mode – taking care of the homework, teacher’s notes, dinner and cleaning up before Mr. Right even walks through the door.
It’s improved our life in a major way. We’re all a lot less stressed.
Here’s the post that made me believe I could quit.

Try minimalism.

Getting out of debt and living a downsized lifestyle are related to minimalism. If you’ve never learned about it but want to try, my advice is to start small.
For instance, I’m just wrapping up a minimalist clothing experiment myself. The idea was to wear only 33 items for 3 months. My take on it?
I like it.
A lot.
I’ll never go back to my bloated closet again. Sometime in January, I’m giving away most of the clothes I now realize I don’t need or use.
If you want to learn more about how to minimize areas of your life, read:
The Dress with Less Challenge by Courtney Carver
A Guide to Creating a Minimalist Home by Leo Babauta
101 Physical Things That Can Be Reduced In Your Home by Joshua Becker

Each week, go on a digital sabbatical.

Instead of spending the weekend trolling Facebook, zoned out to another reality TV show or Tweeting – turn it all off and actually live your life. Be present with your kids. Talk to your spouse. Hear your own thoughts. Disconnect from distraction at least once a week and notice how peace descends.

Shrug off the burden of doing it all.

This world is filled with pressure.
Pressure to be skinny, pressure to get kids involved, pressure to be happy.
I felt it all the time before some of the changes above. I pushed myself to be productive. My house was spotless. My schedule, tightly packed.
I was also stressed to the max, irritable and on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Now, I’m still productive. I still take on a lot. Instead, I get to choose what to carry. I’ve shrugged off the world’s burden of doing it all.
My message to you is simple, just like the title of this blog.
If you want a better marriage, do things that improve your life and future. If you’re unhappy, get off the couch and do something about it. I’m not saying that to be mean or arrogant, though it might sound that way. I’m telling you this because years ago, a certain girl I know really needed to hear it. Maybe you need to hear it now.
New year, new you?
You decide.
ABOUT THE WRITER

Melissa is a step mom, wife, editor, columnist and laundry fairy who decided to focus on amazing work this year by doing what she loves: writing. She hopes to inspire others through her blog, Peace & Projects, by sharing what makes her tick: fitness, organizing, simplifying, loving, learning and getting stuff done. She and Mr. Right are dedicated to making their blended family work for almost eight years now. So are: Little Boy, Little Girl and The Dog. Read her full bio here.

How will American Christians Cope?

I get emails and newsletters every day, speculating about the collapse of the American economy and what it will mean to us, as Christians, as our civil and religious freedoms are taken away. We've seen the 10 Commandments removed from public; God, Jesus, the Bible, and Christianity in history verboten in schools; Cursing Jesus' name is OK, but praising it is ridiculed or forbidden; evolution the new state religion; constitutional foundations cast aside as old fashioned ... on and on and on. What does all this mean to us, to individual Christians and to our children and our families?

I can tell you exactly what it all means to us - relatively little! People, of all the  American citizens, WE have the least to be concerned about. Why? Because we have been through all this and much worse before! Time and time again!

We like to ignore history because it's hard to keep up with, and it's uncomfortable to think of how things have been before. I don't know about your (step)children, but for mine getting her interested in history was like trying to feed her spinach! But if you push your children (and yourself) to take a bit of time to look back, you'll be very encouraged by what you see ... eventually.

Just after Jesus' resurrection and ascension, the brand new baby church was almost snuffed out by the current general public. Civil religious rights? How about being shunned by businesses and government services? How about a school system that taught our kids to actually worship idols? How about being hustled out of our beds and homes in the middle of the night to be dragged into mock courts where we were charged with everything under the sun, found guilty without representation or recourse? How about having your family taken from you and probably tortured and killed? How about being the entertainment for a blood thirsty mob as you are murdered publicly in cruel and imaginative ways?

In the Dark Ages, we true Christians even had these things done to us by "The Church." If we refused to accept the world government's twisted version of Christianity, the very religion (in name) that we followed would jail, torture, or kill us!

Even following the Great Enlightening and the Reformation, which broke the monopoly of the false Catholic church, we were subject to the nearest king's warped ideas of how we should worship, pray, or even believe. When we finally got miraculous freedom to worship publicly and we gained some influence over our own lives here in this new experiment of America, we saw enemies confront us on every front.

Despite political challenges, evolution, and a slowly eroding government, we have been able to relax into our illusion of security, forgetting where we have been and what we have come through to get here. We have found it easy and comfortable to think we have permanent home here in this world, when Jesus Himself regularly reminded us that we are strangers in a hostile land. We used to sing songs that were to serve as reminders: This World Is Not My Home, I'm only passing through, among others. But history is just to pesky to remember. And we've let ourselves and our children get lazy and complacent about our real position in a lost world.

And so, here we are again, about to be shaken from our reverie and woken to the harsh reality that we are Christians in a lost world. We may lose our temporary liberties to exercise our beliefs freely and openly. We may lose the right to worship at the corner church or promote our convictions in elections or wear t-shirts or bumper stickers that shout our ideals to the world. And we may feel really, really put upon and downtrodden and persecuted. And we may in fact be outlawed.

But, whatever else we lose, whatever else is taken away from us (or pried from our cold, dead fingers), Christians - true Christians will never lose our faith. Just as school boards may insist on no prayer in schools, but our kids can still pray silently whenever they want, in the same way we, their parents, can never be stopped from believing in our hearts that Jesus Christ is the way, the truth, and the life. We may have to use codes, as some of our ancestors did in Ireland or Poland, but we will still be able to encourage each other. We may meet in back rooms and basements, but we will still pray and praise together.

So my idea of preparing for hard times is not to stockpile gold or bonds. Rather I'm concentrating on increasing my dependence on God's providence, my familiarity with scriptures, and leading my family into a greater understanding of those Words of life. I know that, no matter what happens with the government, the economy, the ecology, the world community, or even the New World Order, my God will still answer prayer, He will still watch over His children, and He will provide for His own.

If we only survive a few years or months or weeks as fugitives and secret worshipers, we will leave others behind who know the truth and who know how to share it. And we will still have a wonderful, perfect future to look forward to in Heaven, then the New Earth with our God and our family. And it will be unimaginably better than anything we have had here, in America, over the last couple of centuries.

So, bring it on world, and Come Lord Jesus, Come!

STEPcoach (and Christian!) Bob Collins

Love On Me.flv

I just found this, while searching for class materials, and thought you'd appreciate it. The singer/writer is telling of his relationship with his stepdad. Title of the song is "Love On Me" by Jeff Payne. His site is at http://hismessagemedia.com/

Enjoy!



All rights reverved. Entire song copyrighted 2008 by DTJ Music, a division of DTJ Marketing Inc., Nashville, TN 615-469-5883. Written by J. Alan (Jeff) Payne. Used by permission.

What do you think of this song? What does it make you think of? How's your relationship with your stepparents?

YOU are NOT Alone!

As I've met with thousands of stepparenting couples, I've noticed that most of them fear that they are alone in their struggles in building a new family together. Most remarried couples are unaware they are, in fact, part of the majority of families in America today.

The same stressful challenges you face with your stepfamily - the rebellious stepkids, the interfering ex-spouses, the difficulty in getting past your painful past, fears, confusion, hurt feelings - are the same issues virtually every stepfamily is trying to survive. And many times, it helps these stepfamilies to learn they are not failing, after all.

If you are a stepparent, or married to the stepparent of your children, let me assure you that you are not alone either in the challenges you face, or in finding solutions to those. Let's look at the most common trials among blending families - and some tips that have helped others to overcome.

1. My stepkids hate/resent/don't like me!
   Even if your new spouse's children were crazy about you before you married their mom (or dad), you should know that it is very common for them to resent your presence in their family. In fact, it's even understandable, if you think of their point of view. These kids have witnessed their mother and father turn their world into a war zone where the kids have to constantly switch their allegiances from one to another. Their future is uncertain; their past is memories of chaos, and now you have popped into the picture, another adult to complicate things. Who wouldn't resent that?
   
   So what do you do about it? The best advice is to slow down, move back, and step carefully. Show your stepkids how unshakable you are, even when they test you. Demonstrate to them how steady is your care and concern for their parent, and that you are a calming influence in their home. Whatever you do, DON'T add to the tension in the home by charging in with a whole new set of your rules to further complicate their lives. Don't try to be either an instant buddy or an instant authority figure. Allow the biological parent to be the parent. You just concentrate on being a blessing to your new spouse. Give your stepkids time to "adopt" you based on your charming, calming presence in their parent's life.
   
   
2. My spouse's/my ex is driving us nuts!
   Another basic fact of life in stepfamilies is the ex-spouse or ex-spouses. Some are nearly invisible, but many others are far too involved in your life. When you dreamed of marrying this dream boat you've won, you most likely acknowledged the existence of that "other person," but you probably also didn't expect them to be part of your family. For better or worse, the other parent - whether your ex or your new mate's ex -will become an important part of your new life.
   
   How do you handle them? Well, that depends on a few factors: first, what does your mate want you to do? Always (always!) put your spouse's desires and needs before your ex-es' wants. Second, how will your "help" affect your relationship with your stepkids? You are building a future of friendship with them; attacking their other parent is a sure killer! Third, try objectively to see how your participation affects the overall family health. If your chipping in of advice causes more tension, go take a walk! Your overall goal is a peaceful, happy family. Don't rock the boat.
   
3. My spouse and I seem to fight too much!
   While a few blending families move smoothly into the new relationship with few explosions, most experience many upsetting disagreements for various lengths of time. Often these "settling in times" can last for the first few years of your new marriage. Why do stepcouples fight more than first marriage newly weds? Because they are build on a foundation of brokenness, disappointment, and failure. One, if not both, of you have been through a traumatic breakup or divorce before finding each other. Those leave scars of fears and sensitivities that are difficult to just ignore, as much as you may try.
   
   How can we stop the fights? You can't - at least not immediately. You have a lot of issues in your past. To deny that and act like this is your first marriage is dangerous. Accept that you each have a past. Accept that both of you are rebuilding your trust, your hearts, and your skills as spouses. Give your mate much more forgiveness than you ever did your first partner. Your love is going through the same confusing feelings and tumultuous emotions you are. This is a natural part of remarriage! You have been betrayed or hurt and you have to grow past your past. You have to relearn trust. This can be extremely difficult. If you feel your relationship is being damaged, GET HELP! Do-it-yourself mediators wind up divorced.

You can build a happy, healthy new future in this family you've created. I've done it, and I've seen thousands succeed where it looked impossible. One of the most important facts to remember is to be patient and to give yourself and your mate time to work through the newness. Nationally, it takes from FOUR to SEVEN years for a stepfamily to blend successfully. If you're in the first year or two of your marriage and still stumbling along - THAT'S NORMAL! It's just a part of the rebuilding process which is so necessary in second or third relationships.

Don't panic. Don't give up.

Instead, remember your vows - "through sickness and health, til death do us part." You're committed to this for the rest of your life. Don't give up - make it better. If you can't do that on your own (and the divorce rate shows how tough it can be!), then get help. Call or write me, find a pastor or priest who understands divorce recovery and remarriage, or look for a counselor to help. One note of caution: make sure any counselor you work with is fully competent to work with remarriages - one who is a stepparent him or herself is often best.

Bottom line: you can do this. If you will work together as a team, you can build a super family. A husband and wife who are committed partners can over come any of the challenges common to stepfamilies. In fact, a team like that can overcome anything that comes along.

STEPcoach Bob Collins

Divorced Kids: Painful Complications

[NOTE: the following is an excerpt from my newest marriage relationship book, Guiding Your Children through Divorce] 

° Two thirds of children of divorce say they felt like they grew up in two families, not one, which creates “endless and often painful complications for a child.”

To a child, “family” means Me, Mom, and Dad. That’s the same for a child whose parents live together in one house or for a child whose parents are divorced and live across the state from each other.

Let’s look at an example. Imagine a little boy whose 
dad is stationed in Iraq or Afghanistan, while Mom is raising that little boy in their home town....

Even though there may be five or six thousand miles between them, that little boy sees 
his family as him, his mama, and his daddy, all one clan. And his dad is most likely very actively involved in his son’s life. ... if that little boy gets in trouble in school, his daddy will be talking to him by phone or web cam to help straighten him out, or if he gets straight As on his report card, Daddy will email him a card or call him to say “Good job, Son!”

And the same should be true for your children, even if you’re not 5,000 miles away, if you’re just across town you should still be very actively involved in their schooling, their discipline, the important details of their day-to-day lives.

° Fully 44 percent of children of divorce said “I was alone a lot as a child,” 
vs. Only 14 percent of those in intact families— a three-fold difference.

And these children aren’t happily reporting that they were able to sneak away from a loud, annoying sister to find some peace and quiet to read a book. Rather they’re saying that, when they needed Dad for some advice or some encouragement, he wasn’t around for them. And when they needed Mom to comfort them or needed her to just be Mom, she was too busy with something else.

Granted, this is one of the most hectic, frantic, upsetting times of your life. I recall my own divorce and all the chaos involved. I had to find a new place to live, pay deposits, 
get utilities started and pay deposits on them, open a new savings and a new checking account. Some people have even more to deal with following their divorce.

It’s a very 
busy time.

However, right in the middle of all this hectic running around, your children are desperately needing you. In fact, during the first two years of your divorce, your children are more dependent on you than they have since they were in diapers! They are facing feelings, issues, and crises they have no experience with and no frame of reference to know how to handle. They are looking directly to you— both their biological parents— for some idea how to act and react to the new situations they find themselves in.

Be careful not to let them down by showing them the wrong way!
---------------------------------

Your children will be dealing with these and similar complications for the rest of their lives - but especially while they're minors living with you. The divorce was not their idea. You owe it to them to make all the effort necessary to help them recover. It's in your best interest, too, you know. When your children are more comfortable with your new family setup, including your divorce, they will make your whole life more manageable.

I'll be talking more about how to make this work in upcoming blog posts. This new guidebook is taken directly from my award winning lessons for newly divorcing parents, which I've taught for nearly seven years to thousands of about-to-be single parents. You can get a copy for yourself at http://www.familymediator.org/childrendivorce.html