YOU are NOT Alone!

As I've met with thousands of stepparenting couples, I've noticed that most of them fear that they are alone in their struggles in building a new family together. Most remarried couples are unaware they are, in fact, part of the majority of families in America today.

The same stressful challenges you face with your stepfamily - the rebellious stepkids, the interfering ex-spouses, the difficulty in getting past your painful past, fears, confusion, hurt feelings - are the same issues virtually every stepfamily is trying to survive. And many times, it helps these stepfamilies to learn they are not failing, after all.

If you are a stepparent, or married to the stepparent of your children, let me assure you that you are not alone either in the challenges you face, or in finding solutions to those. Let's look at the most common trials among blending families - and some tips that have helped others to overcome.

1. My stepkids hate/resent/don't like me!
   Even if your new spouse's children were crazy about you before you married their mom (or dad), you should know that it is very common for them to resent your presence in their family. In fact, it's even understandable, if you think of their point of view. These kids have witnessed their mother and father turn their world into a war zone where the kids have to constantly switch their allegiances from one to another. Their future is uncertain; their past is memories of chaos, and now you have popped into the picture, another adult to complicate things. Who wouldn't resent that?
   
   So what do you do about it? The best advice is to slow down, move back, and step carefully. Show your stepkids how unshakable you are, even when they test you. Demonstrate to them how steady is your care and concern for their parent, and that you are a calming influence in their home. Whatever you do, DON'T add to the tension in the home by charging in with a whole new set of your rules to further complicate their lives. Don't try to be either an instant buddy or an instant authority figure. Allow the biological parent to be the parent. You just concentrate on being a blessing to your new spouse. Give your stepkids time to "adopt" you based on your charming, calming presence in their parent's life.
   
   
2. My spouse's/my ex is driving us nuts!
   Another basic fact of life in stepfamilies is the ex-spouse or ex-spouses. Some are nearly invisible, but many others are far too involved in your life. When you dreamed of marrying this dream boat you've won, you most likely acknowledged the existence of that "other person," but you probably also didn't expect them to be part of your family. For better or worse, the other parent - whether your ex or your new mate's ex -will become an important part of your new life.
   
   How do you handle them? Well, that depends on a few factors: first, what does your mate want you to do? Always (always!) put your spouse's desires and needs before your ex-es' wants. Second, how will your "help" affect your relationship with your stepkids? You are building a future of friendship with them; attacking their other parent is a sure killer! Third, try objectively to see how your participation affects the overall family health. If your chipping in of advice causes more tension, go take a walk! Your overall goal is a peaceful, happy family. Don't rock the boat.
   
3. My spouse and I seem to fight too much!
   While a few blending families move smoothly into the new relationship with few explosions, most experience many upsetting disagreements for various lengths of time. Often these "settling in times" can last for the first few years of your new marriage. Why do stepcouples fight more than first marriage newly weds? Because they are build on a foundation of brokenness, disappointment, and failure. One, if not both, of you have been through a traumatic breakup or divorce before finding each other. Those leave scars of fears and sensitivities that are difficult to just ignore, as much as you may try.
   
   How can we stop the fights? You can't - at least not immediately. You have a lot of issues in your past. To deny that and act like this is your first marriage is dangerous. Accept that you each have a past. Accept that both of you are rebuilding your trust, your hearts, and your skills as spouses. Give your mate much more forgiveness than you ever did your first partner. Your love is going through the same confusing feelings and tumultuous emotions you are. This is a natural part of remarriage! You have been betrayed or hurt and you have to grow past your past. You have to relearn trust. This can be extremely difficult. If you feel your relationship is being damaged, GET HELP! Do-it-yourself mediators wind up divorced.

You can build a happy, healthy new future in this family you've created. I've done it, and I've seen thousands succeed where it looked impossible. One of the most important facts to remember is to be patient and to give yourself and your mate time to work through the newness. Nationally, it takes from FOUR to SEVEN years for a stepfamily to blend successfully. If you're in the first year or two of your marriage and still stumbling along - THAT'S NORMAL! It's just a part of the rebuilding process which is so necessary in second or third relationships.

Don't panic. Don't give up.

Instead, remember your vows - "through sickness and health, til death do us part." You're committed to this for the rest of your life. Don't give up - make it better. If you can't do that on your own (and the divorce rate shows how tough it can be!), then get help. Call or write me, find a pastor or priest who understands divorce recovery and remarriage, or look for a counselor to help. One note of caution: make sure any counselor you work with is fully competent to work with remarriages - one who is a stepparent him or herself is often best.

Bottom line: you can do this. If you will work together as a team, you can build a super family. A husband and wife who are committed partners can over come any of the challenges common to stepfamilies. In fact, a team like that can overcome anything that comes along.

STEPcoach Bob Collins

Divorced Kids: Painful Complications

[NOTE: the following is an excerpt from my newest marriage relationship book, Guiding Your Children through Divorce] 

° Two thirds of children of divorce say they felt like they grew up in two families, not one, which creates “endless and often painful complications for a child.”

To a child, “family” means Me, Mom, and Dad. That’s the same for a child whose parents live together in one house or for a child whose parents are divorced and live across the state from each other.

Let’s look at an example. Imagine a little boy whose 
dad is stationed in Iraq or Afghanistan, while Mom is raising that little boy in their home town....

Even though there may be five or six thousand miles between them, that little boy sees 
his family as him, his mama, and his daddy, all one clan. And his dad is most likely very actively involved in his son’s life. ... if that little boy gets in trouble in school, his daddy will be talking to him by phone or web cam to help straighten him out, or if he gets straight As on his report card, Daddy will email him a card or call him to say “Good job, Son!”

And the same should be true for your children, even if you’re not 5,000 miles away, if you’re just across town you should still be very actively involved in their schooling, their discipline, the important details of their day-to-day lives.

° Fully 44 percent of children of divorce said “I was alone a lot as a child,” 
vs. Only 14 percent of those in intact families— a three-fold difference.

And these children aren’t happily reporting that they were able to sneak away from a loud, annoying sister to find some peace and quiet to read a book. Rather they’re saying that, when they needed Dad for some advice or some encouragement, he wasn’t around for them. And when they needed Mom to comfort them or needed her to just be Mom, she was too busy with something else.

Granted, this is one of the most hectic, frantic, upsetting times of your life. I recall my own divorce and all the chaos involved. I had to find a new place to live, pay deposits, 
get utilities started and pay deposits on them, open a new savings and a new checking account. Some people have even more to deal with following their divorce.

It’s a very 
busy time.

However, right in the middle of all this hectic running around, your children are desperately needing you. In fact, during the first two years of your divorce, your children are more dependent on you than they have since they were in diapers! They are facing feelings, issues, and crises they have no experience with and no frame of reference to know how to handle. They are looking directly to you— both their biological parents— for some idea how to act and react to the new situations they find themselves in.

Be careful not to let them down by showing them the wrong way!
---------------------------------

Your children will be dealing with these and similar complications for the rest of their lives - but especially while they're minors living with you. The divorce was not their idea. You owe it to them to make all the effort necessary to help them recover. It's in your best interest, too, you know. When your children are more comfortable with your new family setup, including your divorce, they will make your whole life more manageable.

I'll be talking more about how to make this work in upcoming blog posts. This new guidebook is taken directly from my award winning lessons for newly divorcing parents, which I've taught for nearly seven years to thousands of about-to-be single parents. You can get a copy for yourself at http://www.familymediator.org/childrendivorce.html

How to Please the Master

This cute little video is really a life lesson lived out before you. In it, we learn all we need to do to please our Master.




1) come when we are called - even if we're tired or doing something else

2) give Him our full attention, sit quietly

3) unless asked to speak up for Him

4) heed His call to prayer

5) bow humbly at your Master's feet

6) pray sincerely, remembering others and to say thank you

7) never fear to ask for help to be a better person

8) enjoy His blessings and provision

9) accept and enjoy His love and praise when we do well

-------------------
Bob Collins
stepcoach@gmail.com

How Long? - Ex-files

[NOTE: the following is an excerpt from my newest marriage relationship book, Guiding Your Children through Divorce]

An important factor to hold onto is that your relationship with your children’s other parent will never, never end. Far too many people are under the misconception that a divorce ends the relationship between a husband and wife. But if you have children, 
your lives are tied together forever.

Let me explain what I mean. Your children hold certain expectations for you and their other parent, expectations they will almost demand you either uphold or pay dearly for not upholding. In your children’s eyes, parents are supposed to do certain things, like attend their school functions, their ball games, band concerts, or whatever. No matter 
how you get along with your soon-to-be ex, your kids will expect to see the two of you sitting in the bleachers to watch them play— maybe they don’t expect you to be seated together holding hands and visiting pleasantly, but they do expect you both to show up. You’ll be called on to attend second grade plays, and junior high and senior high ball games. And you’ll be expected to both be at their high school graduation. Now, they won’t expect you to talk to each other because they’ll be teenagers and with their friends, but they will want to see that Mom and Dad cared enough to show up.

Then, shortly after graduation, you’ll both be expected to attend their wedding. And they won’t want to have someone poke their head in the back room and say, “Hey, can you come out here and get your mom and dad to settle down. They’re making everyone uncomfortable.” This is their special day. They want you to show up, look pretty, pose 
for pictures, and play nice together. In fact, they’ll be counting on it.

And then after that, probably in the middle of the night, you’ll get a phone call saying 
to hurry to the hospital because the baby is about to be born. And you’ll hustle off to 
see your baby have a baby. And I promise you, they won’t want to hear anything like, “Well you know I can’t come up while she’s there!” or “Not while that woman’s around, 
I won’t!” They frankly won’t give a single care about your petty squabbles or your hurt feelings. They’ve just had a baby. They’re tired and starry-eyed. They just want you to come in quietly, ooo and aww over the baby, pose for more pictures, then get out so they can rest. And THEN, that baby will expect (brace yourself) grandma and grandpa (that’s you) to both show up for his or her kindergarten graduation and little play and choral concert, and so on. It goes on and on.

Your responsibilities to work together and to get along will go on as long as your children and your grandchildren are alive. So you’d do well to figure out now a way to make this work. Because some very important people are demanding a lot from you. And there’s no piece of paper that will get you out of their needs and expectations.
------------

Since your children will be a primary focus in your life for a long time to come, how you handle your divorce is extremely important to your new relationship. Your new spouse will be profoundly affected by the way you build your new relationship with your ex-spouse and your children. I've seen far too many second or third marriages destroyed by a mis-managed earlier divorce.

I'll be talking more about how to make this work in upcoming blog posts. This new guidebook is taken directly from my award winning lessons for newly divorcing parents, which I've taught for nearly seven years to thousands of about-to-be single parents. You can get a copy for yourself at http://www.familymediator.org/childrendivorce.html

When I Am the Brat

Twila Paris sings a song, The Warrior is A Child, about a Christian minister who falls into his Father's arms when he gets hurt or tired, despite others thinking he is a tough warrior. I love that song because it so clearly depicts the parent's or stepparent's dilemma. We are supposed to be strong, to remain calm and wise, to bear all the stepkids' attacks and our own children's tests, and to be saintly to our dear spouse. But we can be just as weak and just as prone to failures as anyone else in our family ... can't we?

I lost it last night. I have excuses. Input overload; tired from pressures of work; frustrated over numerous small problems; a slow Internet signal; cats determined to steal some of our cheese dip; on and on. You know, life. Anyway, one straw too many was dropped onto this camel's back and I sort of, you know, ... exploded at everyone. Threw a fit. Had a tantrum. Acted inappropriately. And ruined what had been until my outburst a perfect evening at home. My darling wife had blessed me with a short nap when we got home, then a wonderful dinner, then a quiet evening together. And I blew it.

On my way to work this morning I stopped at a little park on the way and gathered the fragments of my mind for a moment by the lake. It is a perfectly still, cool morning today, so the surface of the lake is like a sheet of glass. No ducks or geese make trails across the water today. As I look at the lake, I see so clearly the trees, rocks, and walkers on the other side of the lake, reflected in the pristine surface. An occasional bubble from a bottom feeding turtle breaks the surface and causes ripples that disrupt the serene picture in the liquid mirror, but overall it's perfect.

The Bible says, "Be still and know that I Am God." And, once again, He is right.

When I am at peace, I more clearly reflect God. Looking at that lake surface, you have to really focus to see the lake itself. Instead, you see what is reflected on it's peaceful face, in this case, the beautiful natural setting on the other side of the lake. When I am at peace, you do not at first see me. You see what I reflect.

However, on a windy day when waves disrupt the lake, or when outside forces disturb it (like ducks or rocks thrown by someone), the lake itself jumps into view. You lose the serene picture of the reflection and are jolted back to looking only at the lake and what's disturbing it.

How much time do you devote to peaceful meditation and prayer? How many times during the day do you sit aside the jangling issues of your life to find your peaceful, quiet center? ("Be still and know that I Am God.")

If you are a spouse to someone you value; if you are a parent to a normal child; if you are a stepparent to a "typical" stepchild, you need to "renew your strength" on a regular basis. To be who your mate, your children, and your stepchildren depend on, you must give them the gift of a peaceful you. And in order to have that peaceful you available for them, you must take time for your surface to grow calm.

I know, I know. In a hectic daily grind life of work, chores, responsibilities, parenting, marriage, and everything else, it can seem impossible to find your quiet self. But of all your tasks, this one is one of the most important. You MUST do it. In order to be the person your family is depending upon, you MUST repair your soul regularly. Join a prayer group or a Bible study class or a yoga class. Find a quiet park on the way to work and leave early enough to stop there. Hire a coach to guide you.

Get something in place to help you. Because, if you're like the vast majority of overburdened individuals out there, you'll set it aside and place your serenity last. If you put it off, if you let it slide, you will wake up someday ashamed and disturbed at what you've become. You owe it to your family, your God, and yourself to do this.

If you just cannot find a way to find your peaceful center otherwise, I will help. But whatever method or assistant you choose, DO IT. Your future is counting on you.


God bless your whole family!
STEPcoach Bob Collins

To hear Twila Paris' song and read the lyrics, you can go here: http://artists.letssingit.com/twila-paris-lyrics-warrior-is-a-child-dcc26pg