[NOTE: the following is an excerpt from my newest marriage relationship book, Guiding Your Children through Divorce]
An important factor to hold onto is that your relationship with your children’s other parent will never, never end. Far too many people are under the misconception that a divorce ends the relationship between a husband and wife. But if you have children,
your lives are tied together forever.
Let me explain what I mean. Your children hold certain expectations for you and their other parent, expectations they will almost demand you either uphold or pay dearly for not upholding. In your children’s eyes, parents are supposed to do certain things, like attend their school functions, their ball games, band concerts, or whatever. No matter
how you get along with your soon-to-be ex, your kids will expect to see the two of you sitting in the bleachers to watch them play— maybe they don’t expect you to be seated together holding hands and visiting pleasantly, but they do expect you both to show up. You’ll be called on to attend second grade plays, and junior high and senior high ball games. And you’ll be expected to both be at their high school graduation. Now, they won’t expect you to talk to each other because they’ll be teenagers and with their friends, but they will want to see that Mom and Dad cared enough to show up.
Then, shortly after graduation, you’ll both be expected to attend their wedding. And they won’t want to have someone poke their head in the back room and say, “Hey, can you come out here and get your mom and dad to settle down. They’re making everyone uncomfortable.” This is their special day. They want you to show up, look pretty, pose
for pictures, and play nice together. In fact, they’ll be counting on it.
And then after that, probably in the middle of the night, you’ll get a phone call saying
to hurry to the hospital because the baby is about to be born. And you’ll hustle off to
see your baby have a baby. And I promise you, they won’t want to hear anything like, “Well you know I can’t come up while she’s there!” or “Not while that woman’s around,
I won’t!” They frankly won’t give a single care about your petty squabbles or your hurt feelings. They’ve just had a baby. They’re tired and starry-eyed. They just want you to come in quietly, ooo and aww over the baby, pose for more pictures, then get out so they can rest. And THEN, that baby will expect (brace yourself) grandma and grandpa (that’s you) to both show up for his or her kindergarten graduation and little play and choral concert, and so on. It goes on and on.
Your responsibilities to work together and to get along will go on as long as your children and your grandchildren are alive. So you’d do well to figure out now a way to make this work. Because some very important people are demanding a lot from you. And there’s no piece of paper that will get you out of their needs and expectations.
------------
Since your children will be a primary focus in your life for a long time to come, how you handle your divorce is extremely important to your new relationship. Your new spouse will be profoundly affected by the way you build your new relationship with your ex-spouse and your children. I've seen far too many second or third marriages destroyed by a mis-managed earlier divorce.
I'll be talking more about how to make this work in upcoming blog posts. This new guidebook is taken directly from my award winning lessons for newly divorcing parents, which I've taught for nearly seven years to thousands of about-to-be single parents. You can get a copy for yourself at http://www.familymediator.org/childrendivorce.html
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
When I Am the Brat
Twila Paris sings a song, The Warrior is A Child, about a Christian minister who falls into his Father's arms when he gets hurt or tired, despite others thinking he is a tough warrior. I love that song because it so clearly depicts the parent's or stepparent's dilemma. We are supposed to be strong, to remain calm and wise, to bear all the stepkids' attacks and our own children's tests, and to be saintly to our dear spouse. But we can be just as weak and just as prone to failures as anyone else in our family ... can't we?
I lost it last night. I have excuses. Input overload; tired from pressures of work; frustrated over numerous small problems; a slow Internet signal; cats determined to steal some of our cheese dip; on and on. You know, life. Anyway, one straw too many was dropped onto this camel's back and I sort of, you know, ... exploded at everyone. Threw a fit. Had a tantrum. Acted inappropriately. And ruined what had been until my outburst a perfect evening at home. My darling wife had blessed me with a short nap when we got home, then a wonderful dinner, then a quiet evening together. And I blew it.
On my way to work this morning I stopped at a little park on the way and gathered the fragments of my mind for a moment by the lake. It is a perfectly still, cool morning today, so the surface of the lake is like a sheet of glass. No ducks or geese make trails across the water today. As I look at the lake, I see so clearly the trees, rocks, and walkers on the other side of the lake, reflected in the pristine surface. An occasional bubble from a bottom feeding turtle breaks the surface and causes ripples that disrupt the serene picture in the liquid mirror, but overall it's perfect.
The Bible says, "Be still and know that I Am God." And, once again, He is right.
When I am at peace, I more clearly reflect God. Looking at that lake surface, you have to really focus to see the lake itself. Instead, you see what is reflected on it's peaceful face, in this case, the beautiful natural setting on the other side of the lake. When I am at peace, you do not at first see me. You see what I reflect.
However, on a windy day when waves disrupt the lake, or when outside forces disturb it (like ducks or rocks thrown by someone), the lake itself jumps into view. You lose the serene picture of the reflection and are jolted back to looking only at the lake and what's disturbing it.
How much time do you devote to peaceful meditation and prayer? How many times during the day do you sit aside the jangling issues of your life to find your peaceful, quiet center? ("Be still and know that I Am God.")
If you are a spouse to someone you value; if you are a parent to a normal child; if you are a stepparent to a "typical" stepchild, you need to "renew your strength" on a regular basis. To be who your mate, your children, and your stepchildren depend on, you must give them the gift of a peaceful you. And in order to have that peaceful you available for them, you must take time for your surface to grow calm.
I know, I know. In a hectic daily grind life of work, chores, responsibilities, parenting, marriage, and everything else, it can seem impossible to find your quiet self. But of all your tasks, this one is one of the most important. You MUST do it. In order to be the person your family is depending upon, you MUST repair your soul regularly. Join a prayer group or a Bible study class or a yoga class. Find a quiet park on the way to work and leave early enough to stop there. Hire a coach to guide you.
Get something in place to help you. Because, if you're like the vast majority of overburdened individuals out there, you'll set it aside and place your serenity last. If you put it off, if you let it slide, you will wake up someday ashamed and disturbed at what you've become. You owe it to your family, your God, and yourself to do this.
If you just cannot find a way to find your peaceful center otherwise, I will help. But whatever method or assistant you choose, DO IT. Your future is counting on you.
God bless your whole family!
STEPcoach Bob Collins
To hear Twila Paris' song and read the lyrics, you can go here: http://artists.letssingit.com/twila-paris-lyrics-warrior-is-a-child-dcc26pg
I lost it last night. I have excuses. Input overload; tired from pressures of work; frustrated over numerous small problems; a slow Internet signal; cats determined to steal some of our cheese dip; on and on. You know, life. Anyway, one straw too many was dropped onto this camel's back and I sort of, you know, ... exploded at everyone. Threw a fit. Had a tantrum. Acted inappropriately. And ruined what had been until my outburst a perfect evening at home. My darling wife had blessed me with a short nap when we got home, then a wonderful dinner, then a quiet evening together. And I blew it.
On my way to work this morning I stopped at a little park on the way and gathered the fragments of my mind for a moment by the lake. It is a perfectly still, cool morning today, so the surface of the lake is like a sheet of glass. No ducks or geese make trails across the water today. As I look at the lake, I see so clearly the trees, rocks, and walkers on the other side of the lake, reflected in the pristine surface. An occasional bubble from a bottom feeding turtle breaks the surface and causes ripples that disrupt the serene picture in the liquid mirror, but overall it's perfect.
The Bible says, "Be still and know that I Am God." And, once again, He is right.
When I am at peace, I more clearly reflect God. Looking at that lake surface, you have to really focus to see the lake itself. Instead, you see what is reflected on it's peaceful face, in this case, the beautiful natural setting on the other side of the lake. When I am at peace, you do not at first see me. You see what I reflect.
However, on a windy day when waves disrupt the lake, or when outside forces disturb it (like ducks or rocks thrown by someone), the lake itself jumps into view. You lose the serene picture of the reflection and are jolted back to looking only at the lake and what's disturbing it.
How much time do you devote to peaceful meditation and prayer? How many times during the day do you sit aside the jangling issues of your life to find your peaceful, quiet center? ("Be still and know that I Am God.")
If you are a spouse to someone you value; if you are a parent to a normal child; if you are a stepparent to a "typical" stepchild, you need to "renew your strength" on a regular basis. To be who your mate, your children, and your stepchildren depend on, you must give them the gift of a peaceful you. And in order to have that peaceful you available for them, you must take time for your surface to grow calm.
I know, I know. In a hectic daily grind life of work, chores, responsibilities, parenting, marriage, and everything else, it can seem impossible to find your quiet self. But of all your tasks, this one is one of the most important. You MUST do it. In order to be the person your family is depending upon, you MUST repair your soul regularly. Join a prayer group or a Bible study class or a yoga class. Find a quiet park on the way to work and leave early enough to stop there. Hire a coach to guide you.
Get something in place to help you. Because, if you're like the vast majority of overburdened individuals out there, you'll set it aside and place your serenity last. If you put it off, if you let it slide, you will wake up someday ashamed and disturbed at what you've become. You owe it to your family, your God, and yourself to do this.
If you just cannot find a way to find your peaceful center otherwise, I will help. But whatever method or assistant you choose, DO IT. Your future is counting on you.
God bless your whole family!
STEPcoach Bob Collins
To hear Twila Paris' song and read the lyrics, you can go here: http://artists.letssingit.com/twila-paris-lyrics-warrior-is-a-child-dcc26pg
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Empty Bird Cages
This is about the clearest, most fitting description of Christian salvation I've ever seen. Please read it and let me know if you "get it," agree, disagree, or even have your own "bird cage" story to share.
God bless y'all!
---- ---- ---- ----
GOD’S GRACE
There once was a man named George Thomas, pastor in a small New England town. One Easter Sunday morning he came to the Church carrying a rusty, bent, old bird cage, and set it by the pulpit.
Eyebrows were raised and, as if in response, Pastor Thomas began to speak....
"I was walking through town yesterday when I saw a young boy coming toward me swinging this bird cage. On the bottom of the cage were three little wild birds, shivering with cold and fright.
I stopped the lad and asked, "What do you have there, son?"
"Just some old birds," he replied.
"What are you going to do with them?" I asked.
"Take 'em home and have fun with'em," he answered. "I'm gonna tease'em and pull out their feathers to make'em fight. I'm gonna have a real good time."
"But you'll get tired of those birds sooner or later. What will you do then?"
"Oh, I got some cats," said the little boy. "They like birds. I'll take'em to them."
The pastor was silent for a moment. "How much do you want for those birds, son?"
"Huh?? !!! Why, you don't want them birds, mister. They're just plain old field birds. They don't sing. They ain't even pretty!"
"How much?" the pastor asked again.
The boy sized up the pastor as if he were crazy and said, "$10?"
The pastor reached in his pocket and took out a ten dollar bill. He placed it in the boy's hand. In a flash, the boy was gone. The pastor picked up the cage and gently carried it to the end of the alley where there was a tree and a grassy spot. Setting the cage down, he opened the door, and by softly tapping the bars persuaded the birds out, setting them free. Well, that explained the empty bird cage on the pulpit, and then the pastor began to tell this story:
One day Satan and Jesus were having a conversation. Satan had just come from the Garden of Eden,
and he was gloating and boasting. "Yes, sir, I just caught a world full of people down there. Set me a trap,
used bait I knew they couldn't resist. Got 'em all!"
"What are you going to do with them?" Jesus asked.
Satan replied, "Oh, I'm gonna have fun! I'm gonna teach them how to marry and divorce each other, how to hate and abuse each other, how to drink and smoke and curse. I'm gonna teach them how to invent guns and bombs and kill each other. I'm really gonna have fun!"
"And what will you do when you are done with them?" Jesus asked.
"Oh, I'll kill 'em," Satan glared proudly.
"How much do you want for them?" Jesus asked.
"Oh, you don't want those people. They ain't no good. Why, you'll take them and they'll just hate you. They'll spit on you, curse you and kill you. You don't want those people!!"
"How much? He asked again.
Satan looked at Jesus and sneered, "All your blood, tears and your life."
Jesus said, "DONE!" Then He paid the price.
The pastor picked up the cage and walked from the pulpit.
__._,_.___
God bless y'all!
---- ---- ---- ----
GOD’S GRACE
There once was a man named George Thomas, pastor in a small New England town. One Easter Sunday morning he came to the Church carrying a rusty, bent, old bird cage, and set it by the pulpit.
Eyebrows were raised and, as if in response, Pastor Thomas began to speak....
"I was walking through town yesterday when I saw a young boy coming toward me swinging this bird cage. On the bottom of the cage were three little wild birds, shivering with cold and fright.
I stopped the lad and asked, "What do you have there, son?"
"Just some old birds," he replied.
"What are you going to do with them?" I asked.
"Take 'em home and have fun with'em," he answered. "I'm gonna tease'em and pull out their feathers to make'em fight. I'm gonna have a real good time."
"But you'll get tired of those birds sooner or later. What will you do then?"
"Oh, I got some cats," said the little boy. "They like birds. I'll take'em to them."
The pastor was silent for a moment. "How much do you want for those birds, son?"
"Huh?? !!! Why, you don't want them birds, mister. They're just plain old field birds. They don't sing. They ain't even pretty!"
"How much?" the pastor asked again.
The boy sized up the pastor as if he were crazy and said, "$10?"
The pastor reached in his pocket and took out a ten dollar bill. He placed it in the boy's hand. In a flash, the boy was gone. The pastor picked up the cage and gently carried it to the end of the alley where there was a tree and a grassy spot. Setting the cage down, he opened the door, and by softly tapping the bars persuaded the birds out, setting them free. Well, that explained the empty bird cage on the pulpit, and then the pastor began to tell this story:
One day Satan and Jesus were having a conversation. Satan had just come from the Garden of Eden,
and he was gloating and boasting. "Yes, sir, I just caught a world full of people down there. Set me a trap,
used bait I knew they couldn't resist. Got 'em all!"
"What are you going to do with them?" Jesus asked.
Satan replied, "Oh, I'm gonna have fun! I'm gonna teach them how to marry and divorce each other, how to hate and abuse each other, how to drink and smoke and curse. I'm gonna teach them how to invent guns and bombs and kill each other. I'm really gonna have fun!"
"And what will you do when you are done with them?" Jesus asked.
"Oh, I'll kill 'em," Satan glared proudly.
"How much do you want for them?" Jesus asked.
"Oh, you don't want those people. They ain't no good. Why, you'll take them and they'll just hate you. They'll spit on you, curse you and kill you. You don't want those people!!"
"How much? He asked again.
Satan looked at Jesus and sneered, "All your blood, tears and your life."
Jesus said, "DONE!" Then He paid the price.
The pastor picked up the cage and walked from the pulpit.
__._,_.___
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Smother Your Stepchildren!
I rarely work with children. My specialty and my gift is working with couples, either current couples or former (divorced) couples who are trying to work out conflicts that interfere with their relating. But occasionally I will work with kids, if their parents really want it, and if the conflict is between the parent and child. Sometimes (like you didn't know!) it's just impossible to get your children to hear you. And it's often even more difficult with your stepchildren, right?
Well, this stepmom and her nine-year-old stepson were at "that point." Their communication had been reduced to either screaming at each other or sulking in their respective corners. So I agreed to meet with stepmom and stepson. Biological Dad refused to attend, saying this was a problem between them. Shrug.
When we began, "Billy" we'll call him, was sullen and silent - not uncommon in this sort of setting where yet another adult was present to gang up on him. So I let stepmom go first; to tell her side of the story. As she told how unfair and mean Billy was to her, he quickly found his tongue and warmed up to the discussion, also the typical response.
Stepmom, let's call her Meg, and Billy had been together since he was an infant. She married his dad when Billy was just nine months old. So they knew each other pretty well. She had watched him develop and he had learned many of his basic life lessons from her, as well as his dad. Their relationship should have been pretty solid, right. (We both know better than that, don't we?)
As Billy had grown up he had developed a confusion about his biological mom, who was rarely in his life, and his stepmom, who was there daily. He found himself conflicted about which "mom" he should be loyal to. And this lead to acting out against his stepmother. Meg was at first hurt and confused herself about this once sweet little boy's turning into a sulky enemy. As they battles wore on, her hurt turned to anger and resentment. And the war was on.
At the point we met, the relationship between Billy and Meg had been reduced to the screaming/sulking attitude mentioned before. Meg's attitude had become one of "I know he's not going to do what I say, so I try to just ignore him, until I can't stand it anymore and I start yelling at him to try to make him do what I want."
Billy was getting good at ignoring Meg, too, and them screaming back at her before he slammed his bedroom door for a good sulk. Dad was avoiding the tension and fussing at home, which left Billy and Meg even more in each other's company. Something was going to break is something wasn't done soon, and Meg was talking about a divorce and getting out of the situation.
After Meg and Billy spouted out their anger toward each other for a while, I asked Meg to let me talk to Billy alone. He told me in no uncertain terms that he hated his stepmother and resented his dad for marrying her (and leaving his mother). Billy's biological mom had been telling him for a few years that Meg didn't really love him and she was wanting him gone so she could have Dad to herself. (In other words, Mom was jealous of her son's close relationship with his stepmom, even though she didn't do much to foster a better relationship with him.)
We talked for a little while, then I asked Meg to come in and Billy to step out. I told her what Billy had said (I had gotten Billy's permission to do so), and she said she wasn't too surprised. The ex had tried the same thing with Meg's husband early on, but husband had seen through it and nipped in the bud quickly. I asked her what her true feelings for Billy were, and she said she loved him with all her heart and wanted a close friendship with him again.
"How long since you demonstrated that to Billy?" I asked her. She admitted that it had been awhile since he'd let her hug him or even listened when she said she loved him.
"So, while he has his bio-mom telling him you don't love him, you aren't showing him otherwise, right?" I asked. She thought about it and said, "I've fallen into her trap, haven't I?"
We talked about nine year old boys and their insecurities and fears. We talked about what she and Billy used to do; and we talked about possibilities for reconnecting. Then I asked Billy back in. Meg apologized to him for being so cranky and short tempered, and she said that she was going to dedicate herself to being a better friend and stepmom to him. Billy stared at his feet, but I could tell he was listening. He finally agreed to try to step screaming in the house and to at least attempt to be a friend to Meg. They shook hands on the deal and left to begin starting over.
Children - step or biological - can easily get confused about how their family feels about them, especially if there are other conflicts going on, such as fighting between the parents or a biological parent injecting trouble. However, all children want and need affection and acceptance.
My advice to Meg is the same as I would offer to you - don't get pulled into your child's childish attitude. If you want them to be nicer to you, demonstrate what you want by being nicer to them. And always, no matter what else is going on, smother them with love. You won't spoil a child by loving them too much; you won't lead them into expecting too much by giving them attention and affection.
When the flames of sulking, anger, and rudeness break out, smother them with a warm blanket of love.
God bless your whole family!
STEPcoach Bob Collins
Well, this stepmom and her nine-year-old stepson were at "that point." Their communication had been reduced to either screaming at each other or sulking in their respective corners. So I agreed to meet with stepmom and stepson. Biological Dad refused to attend, saying this was a problem between them. Shrug.
When we began, "Billy" we'll call him, was sullen and silent - not uncommon in this sort of setting where yet another adult was present to gang up on him. So I let stepmom go first; to tell her side of the story. As she told how unfair and mean Billy was to her, he quickly found his tongue and warmed up to the discussion, also the typical response.
Stepmom, let's call her Meg, and Billy had been together since he was an infant. She married his dad when Billy was just nine months old. So they knew each other pretty well. She had watched him develop and he had learned many of his basic life lessons from her, as well as his dad. Their relationship should have been pretty solid, right. (We both know better than that, don't we?)
As Billy had grown up he had developed a confusion about his biological mom, who was rarely in his life, and his stepmom, who was there daily. He found himself conflicted about which "mom" he should be loyal to. And this lead to acting out against his stepmother. Meg was at first hurt and confused herself about this once sweet little boy's turning into a sulky enemy. As they battles wore on, her hurt turned to anger and resentment. And the war was on.
At the point we met, the relationship between Billy and Meg had been reduced to the screaming/sulking attitude mentioned before. Meg's attitude had become one of "I know he's not going to do what I say, so I try to just ignore him, until I can't stand it anymore and I start yelling at him to try to make him do what I want."
Billy was getting good at ignoring Meg, too, and them screaming back at her before he slammed his bedroom door for a good sulk. Dad was avoiding the tension and fussing at home, which left Billy and Meg even more in each other's company. Something was going to break is something wasn't done soon, and Meg was talking about a divorce and getting out of the situation.
After Meg and Billy spouted out their anger toward each other for a while, I asked Meg to let me talk to Billy alone. He told me in no uncertain terms that he hated his stepmother and resented his dad for marrying her (and leaving his mother). Billy's biological mom had been telling him for a few years that Meg didn't really love him and she was wanting him gone so she could have Dad to herself. (In other words, Mom was jealous of her son's close relationship with his stepmom, even though she didn't do much to foster a better relationship with him.)
We talked for a little while, then I asked Meg to come in and Billy to step out. I told her what Billy had said (I had gotten Billy's permission to do so), and she said she wasn't too surprised. The ex had tried the same thing with Meg's husband early on, but husband had seen through it and nipped in the bud quickly. I asked her what her true feelings for Billy were, and she said she loved him with all her heart and wanted a close friendship with him again.
"How long since you demonstrated that to Billy?" I asked her. She admitted that it had been awhile since he'd let her hug him or even listened when she said she loved him.
"So, while he has his bio-mom telling him you don't love him, you aren't showing him otherwise, right?" I asked. She thought about it and said, "I've fallen into her trap, haven't I?"
We talked about nine year old boys and their insecurities and fears. We talked about what she and Billy used to do; and we talked about possibilities for reconnecting. Then I asked Billy back in. Meg apologized to him for being so cranky and short tempered, and she said that she was going to dedicate herself to being a better friend and stepmom to him. Billy stared at his feet, but I could tell he was listening. He finally agreed to try to step screaming in the house and to at least attempt to be a friend to Meg. They shook hands on the deal and left to begin starting over.
Children - step or biological - can easily get confused about how their family feels about them, especially if there are other conflicts going on, such as fighting between the parents or a biological parent injecting trouble. However, all children want and need affection and acceptance.
My advice to Meg is the same as I would offer to you - don't get pulled into your child's childish attitude. If you want them to be nicer to you, demonstrate what you want by being nicer to them. And always, no matter what else is going on, smother them with love. You won't spoil a child by loving them too much; you won't lead them into expecting too much by giving them attention and affection.
When the flames of sulking, anger, and rudeness break out, smother them with a warm blanket of love.
God bless your whole family!
STEPcoach Bob Collins
Friday, July 23, 2010
Temper Tantrum!!
I was working away at my neighborhood Panera Bread when World War 3 erupted at a nearby table. The two or three year old toddler who had just before been quietly gnawing on a bagel suddenly went nuclear and got everyone's attention.
I watched as Mom went from shock to embarrassment as her pride and joy let everyone around know that he was very unhappy about ... something, and he wasn't going to take it any longer. She tried placating, fussing, demanding, pleading, and almost weeping to get him under control as we all snuck peeks at the excitement. She was very aware of the attention she was getting! Finally she apologized to her friends, gathered her things, gave up, and left. It was a sad sight.
This wasn't the first public tantrum I'd witnessed. And, in fact, I'd been involved in a few with my grandson when he was that age. Some I felt like I won, some I definitely lost! So, I started making notes of what I've learned and observed and then went digging for other experts' ideas on the topic of public temper tantrums and how to handle them.
First of all, realize that every toddler has tantrums. Some just seem more embarrassing because they're yours. "The terrible twos" didn't become known as such just because of your cranky child. Every mom and dad has gone through the same thing. Forget about others' judgment. Just deal with your child.
But do be sensitive to the needs of others. If you're in a church service, a movie theater, or (horrors!) a funeral, quickly and as quietly as possible take your child outside to deal with his or her actions. A restaurant setting is iffy - are there more parents there, or is it a pretty formal place? At the mall or in a grocery store you don't necessarily need to run outside. You're probably surrounded by other parents who are more understanding.
PREPARE AND PREVENT
You can often prevent tantrums by preparing before your trip by feeding your child, giving them a nap, and making sure they understand the rules and consequences ("if you decide to throw a fit in the store like last time, you will get in very big trouble") - and goal of shopping trip (just groceries, no toy). For many children, preparation and a good discussion will help greatly.
You can also prevent some tantrums by thinking ahead for possible triggers your child my encounter. If you know she will see her favorite candy store on the way to your destination, either go a different way or plan time to go to the candy store first. You're not giving in to her tantrum if you take preemptive action and pacify her before she gets upset.
#1 ADVICE
If these preventative measures don't work (and they won't always), the number one advice by most experts about how to deal with a tantrum is to ignore it. Yeah, you say, easier said than done! But remember that your young child is not out to embarrass you. He is screaming for a reason. Granted the reason may be to try to make you go back to the toy aisle, but there is a reason behind the fit. What you don't want to do is to reward his fit with attention.
How do you handle temper tantrums at home? Probably by ignoring them or sending him to a cooling off place - like his room or a quiet corner. As hard as it may be with thousands of eyes glaring at you for being an awful parent (not really, but it can feel that way!), the best tact is to be consistent. Focus on your child and deal with it the same way as at home.
CHANGE THE VENUE
If you feel you must, you can take him somewhere more private - to a bathroom, to your car, or just outside. But don't indicate that you are surrendering or attacking. Just move the contest to a different location. Quietly, calmly explain to your child that she is not getting her way, and you are prepared to wait her out. Don't entertain her or reward her during this time. In some cases, just moving your child away from the triggers can stop the fit. Triggers might be tempting toys, other children, a boring situation, or any other thing that sets off your child. When she calms down, take her back to where you were.
THREATEN CAREFULLY
Be careful that you don't make empty threats - you will HAVE TO follow through on whatever you threaten, so be careful what you say. If you tell your daughter that the trip to the park is off, you'll have to stick to it. That may mean you'll miss out on something you and she both need or are really wanting. And what will the results be of the punishment? Don't make things a lot harder on yourself just for the sake of a scary sounding threat!
COMFORT AND CONGRATULATE
Finally, bear in mind that a tantrum can also be frightening for the child who's throwing it. Sometimes a child will lose control completely and even scare the child himself. Afterward the storm has passed - immediately after he calms down, you can respond positively. Reinforce your loving relationship with your upset young'un. Congratulate her on getting over her anger. Comfort her with a hug, and reassure her that you still love her, you just didn't like the way she was acting. Don't be tempted to reward her with a present, she may equate that with winning the tantrum and try it again!
Tantrums happen (good bumper sticker, huh?). They're part of a child learning self-control and appropriate behavior. A fit doesn't mean you have a bad child. It just means you have a child. See it as an opportunity to teach and guide your child and you will survive this phase much more successfully.
PLEASE COMMENT with your own horror story or your personal best advice for dealing with tantrums. Share with others!
Dr. Sears has some more detailed, great advice for tantrum prone children at http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/t063300.asp
And here are some tips from dealing with autistic children: http://special-needs.families.com/blog/whenyourchildthrowstantrumsinpubli
Love them no matter what!
STEPcoach Bob Collins
I watched as Mom went from shock to embarrassment as her pride and joy let everyone around know that he was very unhappy about ... something, and he wasn't going to take it any longer. She tried placating, fussing, demanding, pleading, and almost weeping to get him under control as we all snuck peeks at the excitement. She was very aware of the attention she was getting! Finally she apologized to her friends, gathered her things, gave up, and left. It was a sad sight.
This wasn't the first public tantrum I'd witnessed. And, in fact, I'd been involved in a few with my grandson when he was that age. Some I felt like I won, some I definitely lost! So, I started making notes of what I've learned and observed and then went digging for other experts' ideas on the topic of public temper tantrums and how to handle them.
First of all, realize that every toddler has tantrums. Some just seem more embarrassing because they're yours. "The terrible twos" didn't become known as such just because of your cranky child. Every mom and dad has gone through the same thing. Forget about others' judgment. Just deal with your child.
But do be sensitive to the needs of others. If you're in a church service, a movie theater, or (horrors!) a funeral, quickly and as quietly as possible take your child outside to deal with his or her actions. A restaurant setting is iffy - are there more parents there, or is it a pretty formal place? At the mall or in a grocery store you don't necessarily need to run outside. You're probably surrounded by other parents who are more understanding.
PREPARE AND PREVENT
You can often prevent tantrums by preparing before your trip by feeding your child, giving them a nap, and making sure they understand the rules and consequences ("if you decide to throw a fit in the store like last time, you will get in very big trouble") - and goal of shopping trip (just groceries, no toy). For many children, preparation and a good discussion will help greatly.
You can also prevent some tantrums by thinking ahead for possible triggers your child my encounter. If you know she will see her favorite candy store on the way to your destination, either go a different way or plan time to go to the candy store first. You're not giving in to her tantrum if you take preemptive action and pacify her before she gets upset.
#1 ADVICE
If these preventative measures don't work (and they won't always), the number one advice by most experts about how to deal with a tantrum is to ignore it. Yeah, you say, easier said than done! But remember that your young child is not out to embarrass you. He is screaming for a reason. Granted the reason may be to try to make you go back to the toy aisle, but there is a reason behind the fit. What you don't want to do is to reward his fit with attention.
How do you handle temper tantrums at home? Probably by ignoring them or sending him to a cooling off place - like his room or a quiet corner. As hard as it may be with thousands of eyes glaring at you for being an awful parent (not really, but it can feel that way!), the best tact is to be consistent. Focus on your child and deal with it the same way as at home.
CHANGE THE VENUE
If you feel you must, you can take him somewhere more private - to a bathroom, to your car, or just outside. But don't indicate that you are surrendering or attacking. Just move the contest to a different location. Quietly, calmly explain to your child that she is not getting her way, and you are prepared to wait her out. Don't entertain her or reward her during this time. In some cases, just moving your child away from the triggers can stop the fit. Triggers might be tempting toys, other children, a boring situation, or any other thing that sets off your child. When she calms down, take her back to where you were.
THREATEN CAREFULLY
Be careful that you don't make empty threats - you will HAVE TO follow through on whatever you threaten, so be careful what you say. If you tell your daughter that the trip to the park is off, you'll have to stick to it. That may mean you'll miss out on something you and she both need or are really wanting. And what will the results be of the punishment? Don't make things a lot harder on yourself just for the sake of a scary sounding threat!
COMFORT AND CONGRATULATE
Finally, bear in mind that a tantrum can also be frightening for the child who's throwing it. Sometimes a child will lose control completely and even scare the child himself. Afterward the storm has passed - immediately after he calms down, you can respond positively. Reinforce your loving relationship with your upset young'un. Congratulate her on getting over her anger. Comfort her with a hug, and reassure her that you still love her, you just didn't like the way she was acting. Don't be tempted to reward her with a present, she may equate that with winning the tantrum and try it again!
Tantrums happen (good bumper sticker, huh?). They're part of a child learning self-control and appropriate behavior. A fit doesn't mean you have a bad child. It just means you have a child. See it as an opportunity to teach and guide your child and you will survive this phase much more successfully.
PLEASE COMMENT with your own horror story or your personal best advice for dealing with tantrums. Share with others!
Dr. Sears has some more detailed, great advice for tantrum prone children at http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/t063300.asp
And here are some tips from dealing with autistic children: http://special-needs.families.com/blog/whenyourchildthrowstantrumsinpubli
Love them no matter what!
STEPcoach Bob Collins
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)