Morning Rescue!

Admit it: getting your kids up and out the door to school each morning is even harder than getting them to bed at night, isn't it? And, if you'd be completely honest, you'd consider just letting them rot in their bed some days rather than face the prospect of the war that usually occurs.

But, there are ways and means to get them critters movin' without water hoses (spraying with, not beating with!) or major deconstruction of the bedroom furniture. Here are seven tips to help you ease your way into the day and help your kids move a little quicker.

1. Begin early: if your kids are still very young (preschool or kindergarten) NOW is the time to begin a morning routine (see below) to integrate the idea of getting up and at'em before they begin their school daze; if they're already into the hustle, then ...
2. No thought required: the first order of business is to get rid of as much thinking as possible. Most kids are pretty slow to wake up to full consciousness, so remove the necessity for decisions as much as you can. The key word is ROUTINE! Do the same thing, the same way every day to help them get automated and into a familiar system.
3. Let there be light! studies agree that we are creatures of light, and light affects us positively. Give your kids a boost by getting lots of light into their room right away. Don't let them wake in a dim room. If the sun's up (it works better than indoor lights), open the shades and let it in! If they're rising in the dark, turn on all their lights. You can get a lot of bright out of some of the newer fluorescent "energy efficient" light bulbs. Use em!
4. Pre-Package their clothes outfits: Let them help choose their clothes, but do it the night before - or the weekend before! Have each child lay out (with your help) a full outfit for each day: underwear, socks, shirt, pants or skirt, belt, ribbons, etc. Then place each outfit together in a bag. Label the bags with the day's and child's name. They can just grab a bag each morning.
   
5. Fast food to go: If you're not using breakfast as a daily family meal, then consider fast food to go. You can pre-make their favorite breakfast sandwich and let them eat it either at the table or in the car on the way. Peanut butter and bananas really is a fairly good breakfast to get a child revved up for first class. Avoid meats and dairy which will tend to slow them down, though.
   
6. To reward or not to reward: Some children respond well to rewards, some don't. If yours do, keep a chart of morning successes in the kitchen or other public area and track their weekend rewards.
   
7. Last resort: you've heard about it, but do you have the guts to do it? Nothing is more motivational to a child than fear. Just one trip to school in their pajamas is usually enough to get them moving the next mornings. WARNING: don't threaten this if you don't intend to follow through! Also, notify your child's teacher of your possible action so they can assist, not derail your plan.
   

Of course, no list like this can be fully complete. You may have something that works even better, or you may think of a situation or child type who needs a different type of approach. If so, PLEASE SHARE in the comments. One of the main things to remember in parenting is that we can all work together to make the load lighter!

Happy mornings!

STEPcoach Bob

Letter: What Is A Stepparent?

Got this letter recently:

My husband fathered a child in his teens with a woman he was not married to. The teen mother never involved him in the raising of the child. The child never lived with the father. The father never contributed to the welfare of the child.

When the child was a teenager she contacted him and they met. At that time I was married to him. The child labeled me her step-mother. I do not feel as if I’m her step-mother for two reasons. First, her mother and father were never legally married. Second, the child never lived with her father.

My question is what legally makes a person a step-parent?

-------------
My answer to her was:

While there are no legal statutes that cover all states, most specify that if you are married to the biological parent of a child, you are the stepparent of that child. Taking responsibility or not does not affect biological connection. Many times I did not feel like I was anything at all to my often-awful stepdaughter, but the fact that I was married to her mother made me an influence in her life.

I chose to take advantage of that connection to demonstrate to a young person how generous and loving someone can be regardless of whether of not that child deserves anything. It has affected her life positively in many ways, she tells me now that she is grown. It cost me nothing except a few moments of forgiveness and kindness, but it has paid off many, many times over as she became more part of my life later on and I now have a wonderful (step)grandson who thinks I'm the bees' knees!

It's your choice entirely, to either resist and push away and become bitter and cold, or to accept and embrace and grow in grace. You will influence your stepdaughter, one way or the other. Period. It's your choice. And your opportunity.

So, what is a stepparent?

A stepparent is a person who is not related and legally not obligated to do anything at all for another person's child; yet, simply out of love for that other person (and sometimes for the child) a stepparent turns their whole world upside down for that child. They give money, time, effort, ideas, fears, worries, and most of all caring for a child who may never acknowledge the gift.

Some people think a stepparent is chief among fools for allowing herself to become emotionally invested in a child who resents your very presence in her life. Some people (mostly stepchildren) think of a stepparent as interfering and demanding and "wicked." And, honestly, some are!

Most stepmoms and stepdads, though, are doing their best to walk a fine line between interfering in their spouse's childraising, and being too distant from their stepkids. Most stepparents make the mistake of giving advice that is unasked-for and upsetting their spouse and their stepkids. So, they get offended or more cautious and pull back too much so everyone thinks they don't care enough.

And then there's the stepparent's other family - her ex-husband who's either jealous of the new guy's place with his kids or just unsure where he stands (or both!), and her children from her previous marriage who are, also, jealous of the new kids and new spouse, and who feel somehow left behind by Mom's new life. And THEN there are all the grandparents! Her own parents, the ex-spouse's parents, the new spouse's parents, maybe even his ex-wife's parents all want to know how the new person will care for their grandkids!

So, a stepparent has a lot of pressure to be absolutely perfect all the time, right from the beginning of the marriage. It's a wonder the divorce rate is only 66% for second marriages! The majority of couples just can't cake all the challenges and stress on a new relationship. (the divorce rate for third marriages is even higher - around 85%).

That's why I constantly urge couples about to marry into a stepfamily situation and couples already in a stepfamily to get help. They can't predict all the issues that will come up, even if they've been in a previous stepfamily relationship.
When I help couples prepare for or repair their stepfamily, I first investigate all the family connections and how they are affecting the mixture, then look at the immediate issues. Before I can help a couple build a success plan to strengthen their family, we have to know what kind of a foundation we're building on.

Stepparenting is the toughest job you'll ever take on, but despite the scary statistics and divorce rates, it is not impossible. You can survive and succeed at building love and peace in a happy home - with the right help. Don't give up, get busy! Call or email me and we'll talk about how I can help your family succeed.

STEPcoach, Bob Collins

Self-Image Guidance

Interesting blog article by Intimacy 4 Us. I found it (of course, on Twitter) just today and read some wonderful advice. MY advice is to go there (link is below) and read their advice.

Some of the things they talk about are Breast Anxieties, Hairy Situations, Excessive Sweating, Should I Nip and Tuck? Some are very personal - but those are the ones so many people need some guidance in.

YOU are the most important person in your family. You owe it to THEM to take care of YOU. So go visit http://www.intimacy4us.com/bandaids-selfimage/ and get you some you time!

Looking out for YOU,
STEPcoach Bob Collins
Twitter: STEPcoach

Just Found: New Resource

I am really beginning to love Twitter! I know, I know - some folk think of Twitter as a way for kids or celebrities with too much time on their hands to tell WAY too much about themselves.
And it is that.

But it's also a super way to connect with like-minded businesses, individuals, and support organizations. That is where I've really come to appreciate this social network. And I just found another great resource for you (y'all) (youse guys):

WeParent is a neat web site with tons of useful information for divorced parents who are working together to raise their children right. As their "about" statement says:

We’re on a mission to support and facilitate a co-parenting “revolution” among African-American parents! We want to be support central for parents willing to face the challenges of co-parenting in order to enjoy the fulfillment of raising healthy, whole children.

I strongly encourage all my friends who are in divided families (and most of us are!) to check out the good folks at WeParent!

Have a super Summer!

STEPcoach Bob Collins
follow me on Twitter as
http://twitter.com/STEPcoach

Counseling Ladies Safely

How to privately, confidentially meet with an emotionally fragile wife without compromising her safety and my reputation is a tough issue that I, like all male ministers, counselors, and mediators must face. Recently, I read a good article on this topic by motivational (and funny) speaker, Mark Gungor on his blog. Among the comments, was this from a lady reader:

From a woman's perspective and my own personal experience it is my opinion that women go to men instead of women because men have the ability to re-frame a woman's problem in boxes and take the emotion of the problem. If a woman is having emotional problems she does not want to go to an emotional being to fix the problem. The times that I used to go to men for situations I was struggling with, the guy would be able to articulate my problem without the emotion of it and put it in his boxes which helped me to see it differently and take care of it. Sometimes going to women just added to the emotion in the my head. HOWEVER, this does not give women an excuse to put men in a situation where they are tempted. I think what I have experienced is that once a man sorts your problem and put it in boxes the women wants him to do it again and again. I agree highly that women should mentor other women and getting a mans opinion occasionally is fine.

Ladies am I right????

I was impressed by her insight that sometimes women want to know how men view their problems. I replied:

I think you’re right that women appreciate having a man compartmentalize their emotional dilemmas for them. As a Christian family mediator, I am often approached by wives or ex-wives wanting me to help them get a message across to their mate or ex so they can begin solving the problems. I rarely meet with these women without their spouse or ex (that’s the whole purpose of mediation, to get THEM communicating), but in initial sessions we do sometimes meet alone.

On those occasions I always alert two of the secretaries at the church to help me by “patrolling” past the half-window door to my meeting room several times where the client can see them. This gives me two safeties: the secretaries can bear witness that nothing untoward happened; and the client feels safer knowing other women are nearby.

It’s a dangerous (and litigious) world out there, so we have to be careful to protect ourselves and our reputations - but we also have a responsibility to serve hurting families. Balance and being “wise as a serpent but harmless as doves” are key to doing it right.
STEPcoach.com

If you've thought about seeking professional advice, guidance, or mediation, let me make two suggestions: first, make sure you know who you're talking to. Just picking a name out of a phone book or a web listing can be dangerous. It's a jungle out there, know whose advice you're getting. Ask a friend or pastor, research the person, go to someone you know.

Most all of my clients come from readers of my blog, articles, newsletter, or web site. They know a lot about me before they ever contact me.

Second, insist on a preliminary meeting to feel each other out. Any reputable coach or counselor should be willing to talk to you before setting a contract.

I always meet with potential clients to see if we "fit." Sometimes my mediation or coaching services aren't what they need. If not, I'll suggest someone else. Sometimes we just don't click - whether because of their personalities or because of other conflicts. Find out first.

For your own safety, and for mine, it is important to ... well, to "step carefully" when you seek out help in something as vital and personal as your own or your family's relationships. Investigate and be safe!

STEPcoach Bob Collins

P.S. if you're interested in relationship help from me - either formal mediation, or personal guidance coaching - contact me directly and we'll proceed s l o w l y to figure out exactly what you need to get your life happy again.