Holiday Tips - #9

Stepfamily Holiday Survival Tip #9:
Wear thicker skin over the holidays. As the inevitable pressures build, be prepared to be an example of patience and lovingkindness.

Be careful that you don’t lose control of yourself and damage relationships you have to maintain throughout the rest of the year. Someone has to be the adult, it might as well be you. And don’t be a martyr about it, telling everyone how tough it is, just do it with a smile. Even if no one else appreciates your strength, you can feel proud of yourself on January 4th!

Understand that, when your kids return from their holiday visits, they will probably be wearing an attitude. They usually do after a trip to “that other house,” don’t they? Have you figured out why yet?

More than likely, it’s because they’ve had a not–so–great time. They were away from home, in a strange place, among strangers with strange customs. They missed you, and that made them feel guilty for not loving their Dad more. Possibly they were left out of activities and treated like street urchins brought in out of charity.

Do you see why it’s so important to put forth the effort to make the kids who come visit you feel welcome?

On the other hand, the kids who do come visit you may very well be less than gracious about your efforts to include them and make them feel comfortable. Never mind. It’s not really important how well someone receives a gift from you. It’s how you give the gift that matters. The visiting kids may have been “prepped” by their mom or dad to expect you to be a monster, so they are putting up the best defense — a good offense.

Well, you just prove to them what kind of a person you really are! And you will, good or bad.

[NOTE: this is an excerpt from our guide book, Beat the Holiday Blues.]
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Don't forget about my special Christmas gift offer: 25% off my standard rates for couple mediation/coaching sessions. Details are HERE

You are NOT alone! We love you and we can help.

God bless your whole, wonderful family,
STEPcoach Bob Collins 

Holiday Special Offer for Your Family

If you have wanted to get private personal guidance and help for your family conflicts and arguments, this is your chance.

I am offering, as a Christmas present to your family, a 25% discount off my regular fees for private mediation/coaching sessions. This is limited to new clients who order and pay for a minimum of four sessions before Christmas, the sessions to begin following New Years 2010.

These sessions are not limited to any topic or subject. We can begin rebuilding your family's relationships and finding healthy solutions to your disputes regarding parenting, marriage, divorce, ex-spouses, stepchildren, or any other family related issues that are causing distress in your home.

Why am I giving away one fourth of my fees? Because you need it. Our families are failing at a horrifying rate today. Stepfamilies are divorcing much faster than ever before. The challenges facing our marriages, our children, and our extended families are becoming overwhelming.

I can help you with those challenges and I want to. I have been teaching peaceful solutions to breaking and broken families since 1996. I have been able to help thousands of stepfamilies and divorced parents rebuild trust and teamwork. And I can help your family, too.

To take advantage of this one-time special offer, contact me before midnight, December 24, 2009; agree to a contract for a minimum of four sessions to begin in January 2010; and pay for the sessions in advance. You will receive a 25% discount off my standard session fees. This offer is open only to first time clients, please.

Please let me help you and your family find the peace you had hoped for before you married. You owe it to yourself and your whole family to begin the process of building a healthier future now.

Email me HERE, or call me at 479-522-7490 to begin a new, healthier family life for 2010.

God bless your whole, wonderful family!

STEPcoach Bob Collins

Holiday Tips - #8

Stepfamily Holiday Survival Tip #8:

If kids come to visit you for the holidays, don’t neglect them. Whether they are your own children, for whom your spouse has custody, or your stepkids, make them part of everything that goes on.

Please, amid the stresses and emotions, try to remember that these children are not ropes for a tug of war game. They are not enemy spies from the ex. They are children hoping to have some enjoyment during a special time of the year, in a place that is not their regular home. You have the power to make a positive or a negative impact on them.

As you practice your new traditions, don’t forget to include them. They are family, too, even your stepkids. Ask them for their stories (then listen to them), expect them to help or take part, and talk to them, too.

Children who visit their other parent’s home seem to fall into two categories. They are either an extended part of the family, or complete outsiders. Whether your kids get to visit regularly and often (say, every other weekend) or just twice or three times a year, they still deserve to get some permanent consideration. You owe it to them to make sure they are comfortable and settled.

You’d be surprised at how many stepparents tell us that they only provide a drawer for their stepkids’ clothes and belongings when they visit. “After all,” they rationalize, “the kids are only here for a few days, why would they want anything more. We do pay child support, you know!”

That’s shameful! They’re not pets dropped off on you for a kennel stay. (Can you say, “Grinch”?) They are children who are basically at the mercy of your courtesies. If you live in a small house and have little extra money, be creative. Save up and buy (or even borrow) some furniture — a bed, a chest of drawers — it doesn’t have to be a lot. The point is to make an effort just for them out of love.

How would you want your own children to be treated at a stepparent's home? Would you want them ignored, overlooked, given lesser gifts than their stepsiblings, spoken to the same way you speak to your own stepkids?
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Let me know if you need any special help settling the upsets in your family. I can help you!

[NOTE: this is an excerpt from our guide book, Beat the Holiday Blues.]

You are NOT alone! We love you and we can help.

God bless your whole, wonderful family,
STEPcoach Bob Collins 
 

Holiday Tips - #7

Stepfamily Holiday Survival Tip #7:

If your kids do have to travel to visit their other parent, don’t whine about it. Family ties are important to all children, but especially so for children of divorce. After spending all year in a new home with new family members to adjust to, your kids probably will feel relieved to be back around familiar faces. Let them.

One mother said that her feelings about her kids being gone for Christmas could be summed up in one word: Hallelujah! It wasn’t that she didn’t love her kids, she did very much. But she chose to look at this as her court–appointed vacation from them. At first she felt guilty about enjoying their absence, but, she says, she realized that they were having fun, so she might as well, too. Now, while she looks forward to their phone calls and their return, she plans special times just for her husband and herself.

Don’t fret or obsess about their being gone. Enjoy the free time; schedule some time just for yourself at least every other day.

When plans are being made for your kids’ or stepkids’ visit away from home, look for positives about the trip. Make sure you don’t make them feel guilty about wanting to see their parent. You are not in a contest for whom they love the most. They will always love both of you. You wouldn’t really want kids who can hate their father as much as you do, would you? They might practice on you!

It should go without saying (but I’ll say it anyway) that you should take care to never — ever —  put down your ex or your spouse’s ex in front of their kids. Never tell your children how awful you think their Dad or Mom is! First of all, you wouldn’t want them to hear the same sort of thing about you. And secondly, regardless of how you feel about him, he is still your kids' daddy. To belittle him belittles them, in their eyes.

(NOTE: This topic is covered in more detail in our other booklets, Improving Your Stepfamily’s Communication, You’re Not My Dad!, and  You’re Not My Mom!)

BLESS your children. Help them have a care-free, fun, enjoyable holiday season. If you can't be happy about it, keep it to yourself or share it with your mate where your children can't hear. Give them the gift of a happy Christmas season.

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[NOTE: this is an excerpt from our guide book, Beat the Holiday Blues.]

You are NOT alone! We love you and we can help.

God bless your whole, wonderful family,
STEPcoach Bob Collins 

Holiday Tips - #6

Stepfamily Holiday Survival Tip #6:
Switch days to celebrate to ease the pressure. If your kids’ non–custodial parent must (or just chooses to) have your kids on the holiday, you may want to consider this alternative. Many stepparents have found that having flexibility in this area makes everyone more relaxed.

We have rather arbitrarily decided that Christmas, for example, will be celebrated on December 25th. There is really no reason why you can’t meet with the rest of the family on the 25th, then have a second, more intimate celebration later when the kids are back home.

Tell them you want them to have two Christmases this year, one with Dad and one with you and stepdad. Then, don’t scrimp on the festivities. Whatever new traditions you’re going to practice, give them as much attention as your other activities.

This brings up a very important point. The primary focus of most holiday celebrations is the children. However, in trying to give our kids the best holiday experience, we can get carried away. If your honest desire is to make you kids happy this season, then think of them first.

Constant bickering, tension and pressure to be happy and have fun, and tug of wars over whose home, when will not produce the desired result. Children are extremely sensitive to their parents’ attitudes. Your children have suffered through the divorce and seeing their parents separate, the last thing they want for Christmas is another fight.

Compromise, then make up lost time when they come home.
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If you're struggling to keep the joy of the holidays in your heart and home, I can help you re-focus your relationships. Email me at stepcoach@gmail.com if you want to learn more about building a better home.
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[NOTE: this is an excerpt from our guide book, Beat the Holiday Blues.]

Watch for more guidelines between now and Christmas to help you survive and enjoy holidays with your family!

You are NOT alone! We love you and we can help.

God bless your whole, wonderful family,
STEPcoach Bob Collins

Holiday Tips - #5

 Stepfamily Holiday Survival Tip #5:

Begin new traditions just for your new family. 

Every family, every clan, every culture has its own special traditions for holiday celebrations. You developed deeply rooted patterns in your former household, and so did your spouse’s family. Many stepfamily conflicts involve couples trying to continue to do things the same way they always did them. This is a recipe for trouble!

Some stepfamilies have been successful at this by keeping some elements from each side’s traditions and blending them into a new pattern. But the selection of what to keep and what to toss out can lead to feelings of “What I want is not important to you!”

Far better, many believe, is to scrap all the old ways and find new traditions.

Begin by letting everyone have a say about what they would like to do. But it is important that everyone is part of the process. Keep a positive attitude about the process.

Ask other families what they do. If you are members of a stepfamily support group (and you should be!), you may find suggestions there. Look for unique activities. There are more ways to celebrate than eating contests followed by TV football marathons.

Here are a couple of examples from post support groups:
Have a cookout. If you live somewhere warm, that’s OK, but this activity will be more of an adventure if there is snow involved! Roast hot dogs and marshmallows. Look at the stars in the crisp, cold sky. Tell funny ghost stories. Carols are optional.

Make a time capsule. Place photos, notes, letters, items with special significance in the capsule, make sure it is water tight (use super glue or caulking), and hold a ceremony as you bury it.

The point is to look for new activities you can repeat year after year to develop a kinship between the new family members.

Changes don't have to be bad. Keep a positive mental attitude and lead your new family into a new future together!
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[NOTE: this is an excerpt from our guide book, Beat the Holiday Blues.]

Watch for more guidelines between now and Christmas to help you survive and enjoy holidays with your family!

You are NOT alone! We love you and we can help.

God bless your whole, wonderful family,
STEPcoach Bob Collins

Holiday Tips - #4

 Stepfamily Holiday Survival Tip #4:

Concentrate on making these Holy Days instead of holidays.

The holidays we celebrate today all began as religious observations. In fact, we get out word “holiday” from the original term, “holy day,” which in earlier times was the term for a period of religious celebration, reflection, or remembrance. Through the years, however, commercialism and frantic expectations, and a general turning away from things spiritual, have distracted us from the true reason we celebrate our most cherished family traditions of Thanksgiving, Christmas, the New Year, and Easter.

Some families, rather than fall prey to the commercial influences of a retail Christmas season, even go so far as to hold a birthday party for Jesus for their children! Rather than give all the gifts to each other, the best gifts go to homeless, poor, or sick families nearby. By leading their families in this charitable activity, they both help the children to learn to care for others, and the expand the holiday experience beyond their own immediate homes.

Whether you are a Christian, or you practice another faith, or none at all, this practice of giving to others less fortunate than yourselves can move your holiday mindset from competition and frustration to reflection and patience. And it can help both bio- and stepchildren to look past their own feelings. If you can help stepchildren focus on something besides their own challenges of remembering past family celebrations and home exchanges, you can bring perspective to their own situation.

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[NOTE: this is an excerpt from our guide book, Beat the Holiday Blues.]

Watch for more guidelines between now and Christmas to help you survive and enjoy holidays with your family!

You are NOT alone! We love you and we can help.

God bless your whole, wonderful family,
STEPcoach Bob Collins

Holiday Tips - #3

Stepfamily Holiday Survival Tip #3: 

Keep a holiday journal of this, and every coming, holiday gathering. This suggestion comes from a support member who said she has holiday journals that go back to her first season with her stepkids. She says that the older journals — the worst ones where everyone was either insolent or sulking — are the most valuable to her. They show how much her new family has progressed over the years.

Without some perspective, you will likely feel that you are making no progress. But you will make progress. Most every stepfamily moves through six stages of development, as described fully in our workbook, “Stepfamilies: Basic Training for Couples.”

The Dream Stage — is that magical time before you marry, when everything is perfect. {Your betrothed is, or you are, the white knight on the white stallion, coming to save the day.}

The Discovery Stage — comes just after the wedding when problems start to arise. {You realize you’re going to have to clean up after the knight (and his stallion!)}

The Decision Stage — {NOTE: this is when the stallion dies and starts to stink!} This is the point where you decide whether to stay and fight or wimp out, and run out on your promises to this family.

The Determination Stage — not for the failures, but for those tough enough to stick it out — when you first say, “We might make it.” This stage may begin as early as the third to fifth year.

The Development Stage — is reached when you begin to have more good days than bad ones. Some families reach this stage earlier, but most hit it in the fourth to sixth year. Someone says “I love you.” or “Thank you for staying.” This is not the end of all your growing pains, but you’ll know when this stage comes, and you’ll realize it was all worth while.

So, keep a journal. Record in it gifts given by and to whom, where you went, and some of the more notable things said and done. These days are valuable, don’t lose them.

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[NOTE: this is an excerpt from our guide book, Beat the Holiday Blues.]

Watch for more guidelines between now and Christmas to help you survive and enjoy holidays with your family!

You are NOT alone! We love you and we can help.

God bless your whole, wonderful family,
STEPcoach Bob Collins

Different Take on the "Christmas" Battles

Letter from Jesus about Christmas --

It has come to my attention that many of you are upset that folks are taking My name out of the season.

How I personally feel about this celebration can probably be most easily understood by those of you who have been blessed with children of your own. I don't care what you call the day. If you want to celebrate My birth, just GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

Now, having said that let Me go on. If it bothers you that the town in which you live doesn't allow a scene depicting My birth, then just get rid of a couple of Santas and snowmen and put in a small Nativity scene on your own front lawn. If all My followers did that there wouldn't be any need for such a scene on the town square because there would be many of them all around town.

Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling the tree a holiday tree, instead of a Christmas tree. It was I who made all trees. You can remember Me anytime you see any tree. Decorate a grape vine if you wish: I actually spoke of that one in a teaching, explaining who I am in relation to you and what each of our tasks were. If you have forgotten that one, look up John 15: 1 - 8.

If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of My birth here is my wish list. Choose something from it:

1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way My birthday is being celebrated, write letters of love and hope to soldiers away from home. They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year. I know, they tell Me all the time.

2. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don't have to know them personally. They just need to know that someone cares about them.

3. Instead of writing the President complaining about the wording on the cards his staff sent out this year, why don't you write and tell him that you'll be praying for him and his family this year. Then follow up... It will be nice hearing from you again.

4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can't afford and they don't need, spend time with them. Tell them the story of My birth, and why I came to live with you down here. Hold them in your arms and remind them that I love them.

5 Pick someone that has hurt you in the past and forgive him or her.

6.. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt to take their own life this season because they feel so alone and hopeless? Since you don't know who that person is, try giving everyone you meet a warm smile; it could make the difference.

7. Instead of nit picking about what the retailer in your town calls the holiday, be patient with the people who work there. Give them a warm smile and a kind word. Even if they aren't allowed to wish you a "Merry Christmas" that doesn't keep you from wishing them one. Then stop shopping there on Sunday. If the store didn't make so much money on that day they'd close and let their employees spend the day at home with their families

8. If you really want to make a difference, support a missionary-- especially one who takes My love and Good News to those who have never heard My name.

9. Here's a good one. There are individuals and whole families in your town who not only will have no "Christmas" tree, but neither will they have any presents to give or receive. If you don't know them, buy some food and a few gifts and give them to the Salvation Army or some other charity which believes in Me and they will make the delivery for you.

10. Finally, if you want to make a statement about your belief in and loyalty to Me, then behave like a Christian.. Don't do things in secret that you wouldn't do in My presence. Let people know by your actions that you are one of mine.

Don't forget; I am God and can take care of Myself. Just love Me and do what I have told you to do. I'll take care of all the rest. Check out the list above and get to work; time is short. I'll help you, but the ball is now in your court. And do have a most blessed Christmas with all those whom you love and remember :

I LOVE YOU,

JESUS

Holiday Tips - #2

Stepfamily Holiday Survival Tip #2:

Develop flexibility in your holiday plans.
Everything doesn’t have to be perfect. Again, realize that this is only one celebration out of many others to come over the years. Next year, everyone will be a little more familiar with each other, and hopefully they’ll also be a little more accepting.

This is just one small step in the blending process, not the whole thing.

If Cousin Dave or Aunt Bertha just has to make a comment on the fact that, unlike last year, there is only one kind of pie for dessert, or that it looks odd that all your presents are wrapped in the same color paper, or asks where some particular decoration is that just didn’t have room with all the others, just let it roll off. Smile and comment on how much you like their home made fruitcake, and then tell them some little positive story to brag about your stepkids.

Being in a stepfamily means dealing with multiple family plans. Your ex — or your spouse’s ex — will most likely have family celebration plans of their own, involving your kids. Naturally, it will be easier if you can work together in cooperation to coordinate both sets of parents’ programs. Unfortunately, this doesn’t happen very often. If your spouse’s plans conflict with yours, you will have to find a way to compromise.

(More on scheduling later.)

Remember that the purpose of family holidays is supposed to be for loved ones to gather and — well, love each other. If your family gets snippy about the seating arrangements around the dinner table, love them anyway. If they can’t seem to get over the changes, remind them how lucky you all are to have new family members with you. Don’t get sidetracked. Your goal is to have a relatively positive experience to help unite the whole family.

You are building a new family, with new traditions. Maybe one of those new traditions can be that little things don’t matter so much. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to look back on a season of no big fights? Aim for that - no big problems. Little ones come with the territory.

Besides, if you get every little thing perfect this year, what will you have to do next year to improve on it?!

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[NOTE: this is an excerpt from our guide book, Beat the Holiday Blues.]

Watch for more guidelines between now and Christmas to help you survive and enjoy holidays with your family!

You are NOT alone! We love you and we can help.

God bless your whole, wonderful family,
STEPcoach Bob Collins